I woke early. I woke in the night several times. I didn’t go straight to sleep either. I’m not overly anxious but I think I was anxious in the night about getting tidy at work ready for the customers arrival tonight. I think I’ll go in this morning and tidy up and then take it from there. It’s windy outside today and maybe it’ll rain so I’ll try staying indoors at work. I hope it was only some anxiety in the night and not the start of a build up.

   Tomorrow is the aniversary of the death of my mum 7 years ago so I’m concious that it might be affecting me slightly. It usually does. Also it’s 7 years ago. I wonder about the significance of numbers, 7 is quite a magical one. Maybe I can finally work my grief through properly or allow it to dissipate. It’s time to put it to bed and allow life to move on for my and my family’s sake. This year is the start of better things for us. A time of growth and love. Our world is changing and growing and I have to be ready to flow freely with it. Plans that we’ve wanted to make and have been placed on hold are still waiting for us to bring them to fruition. It’s time to let go and embrace my life again. It’s time to let go of my mental anguish and hell. It’s time to relax into myself. I’m alive and I’m 40. I didn’t die on my birthday so life will grow in abundance. 

I’m not starting work until later today. It might only be a half day. It may well be less. Who knows. When I do get to work I’ve got lots of tidying up to do as the customer comes down tomorrow night. Luckily it’s tomorrow night. Last night they had thought they were coming down today. That really made me panic. Even aftertaste changed their mind I panicked when I had gone to bed. I lay there trying to remember the email. Trying to remember if they had said Thursday or Thursday night. Anyway panic over. I’m calmer now.  

Sometimes I sit back and realise how lucky I really am. I’m lucky to have work, Licky to have good health, I’m lucky I’m feeling awesome, I’ve a good family too. I’m very lucky, although I’m not sure I fully believe in good or bad luck per se. We can each have a big hand in how we shape our lives and what we decide to do with it. Thinking we only have bad luck is just a mindset and can be changed with training. It’s like switching a light if we really want it to be. The chemicals in our brains react to stimuli in lots of funny ways. Music and drum beats affect us more than we realise. I’ve been playing around with this at work. When I need to really crack on I play upbeat dance music or heavy metal because it reacts to and with me.  

Today I’m feelibg very good and pretty awesome. I’m superb. 

I’ve woken up a little before I would normally. I feel very refreshed and once again I’m rearing to go. Lots to get done today.  

I’ve memories of a strange dream last night. Part of the dream was a swollen river and I think I went under but didn’t come back up. It was fast flowing too. While it was all going on I was by the river on the bank watching. Quite strange. Part of the dream was about a couple of blokes I know but haven’t met yet. One of which seems to be going through a mental breakdown.  Anyway I knew I’d be ok and would get out of the water further along because there was a strong current. I watched it all from above as well as the bank.   I know dreams about rivers or water can mean our emotions. I guess it’s quite apt at the minute. 

I’ve woken up feeling good and I’m ready for cracking on at work. I’ve got lots to achieve and get done today. Things are good. I’m feeling better than I have over the weekend too. I’ve found it hard to concentrate over the weekend and I’ve once again been on facebook too much. When I’ve written this blog I’m going to deactivate it. My thoughts have been faster than usual but they’ve settled down a lot.  

I’m making mental plans for the year ahead and I need to put them down on paper too. I need to get my business back fully into the black and my personal bank account as well. I want to save £10-12k over the next 12-15 months and then the same again the following 12 months so that we can buy land or even another house. If we can buy both in the next 5-8 years all the better. Then we can get planning permission to build an Eco house and sell where we are and have no mortgage and have a small income from the rental. I’d like 2-3 houses to rent out in the next few years ideally. Lots to think about and to put into action. 

I got up at just after 6.  I was shattered but as soon as I got out of bed I was wide awake. I’ve had pretty vivid dreams last night too, Friday night as well. I got tired earlier last night, around 9:30 but didn’t go to sleep until 10:30. All is good. 

Yesterday morning I was really grumpy. Really really grumpy. I’ve put most of this down to training thighs on Thursday and how much it takes out of me, but last night I took myself off out the way for a long bath because I felt I was going the other way. A long way the other way. My thoughts were racing and the evening seems a bit of a blur. I’m glad I took myself away because otherwise I might of ended up all over the place. I know that I’d lost touch with what some would call reality a little last night but reality has returned already this morning. My sleep last night was good but a little disturbed. I had to force myself to go up to bed and to lay down. I started to feel like I wouldn’t sleep but realised this and relaxed my whole body. I used to love the feeling of being wired, I love it less so nowadays. I’m gong to watch my moods very carefully today at work.   I should of seen the warning signs. I’ve been on facebook far far too much this last week and I’ve also put off making a bill out for someone and put off other paperwork.   I’ll be honest. When it creeps up on me and I’m not fully aware it shocks me. I often think I’m getting it all under control, it had been for at least 2-3 months. Oh well if it’s just the odd mini up and down I can live with that. A full blown 2-3 month high on the other hand is a different beast altogether.

  I think that the biggest trigger for me is my mum and the aniversary of her death, which is late next week. Every year around this time I seem to implode or self distruct my own mind somehow. Usually I get physically unwell too, possibly brought on by being high and or mixed and running on adrenalin. This year is different because we don’t have a car at the minute I’m only working 6-6 1/2 hours each day so I’m not pushing myself too much. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. 

I’ve woken up less than happy. I’d almost go as far as to say grumpy. One of the kittens jumped all over the sofa knocking my glasses and book on the floor.  My book now has a bent cover. I’ve been on facebook and been reminded that it’s friday 13th too. Oh and facebook is starting to piss me off. Why the f*ck am I even on there? It’s just a huge shitty waste of time. It’s all a load of old bollocks. I’m pissed off. I’m pissed off at being pissed off. It can all f*ck off. Blah blah blah.

  Work today should be quite straight forwards though because my wife came and helped out yesterday. She has gone ahead of me and rubbed lots of paintwork down so I’ve got lots to go at. That’s one good thing. I appreciated the help.  

 Maybe I need to snap out of this stupid mood. It’s time I stopped acting like a twat or a grumpy teenager and knuckled down with life. It’s time I grew up and got properly responsible. I think that I’ve got to accept things how they are and just get on with life. The only way I can change our situation is to work my arse off and start to get ahead in life. I’ve always tried to be very fair in business but maybe I should be like most others and say fuck it and be selfish. I’ve liked to believe that being kind and spiritual gets you further in the true life but maybe I’m getting old and cynical. Fuck it. 

I’m really not sure how I’m feeling today. A couple of weeks ago I had really good motivation for work but it’s slipping away. I’m not sure why. Maybe once I get to work it’ll flow, quite often that can happen. I think what has set it off is that I feel I should be further ahead. It’s silly to feel that because we are without a car and I’m doing the school run, so I’m loosing 2 hours each day. Working hour wise I’ve actually done really well. I think it’s just that I’ve got plans for the next few years. I mustn’t trip myself up over a minor detain though. That would be foolish. 

I can’t think that I have much to say. I have noticed I’m more tired than usual but that could be because of working out again. My mind has been a little grumpier than usual too but I think that’s because I’m aware of the aniversary of my mums death which is soon. Maybe I’m too aware of it? I’m not sure.  Can you be too aware of dates that have affected your life? Maybe deep down I don’t think its real or that she’s really dead either. Maybe we never really die. Maybe we never really love either. Maybe this is all some cosmic mind play and we are just figments of a higher conciousness. Who knows. I certainly don’t know too much right now. Or do I? Maybe I do know. Maybe it’s all becoming clear and present in my mind and I can see the higher consciousness within. Or maybe I cant.      

I think I’ve been struggling the last few days, maybe longer. At least I’m aware of it all. I feel like some of my motivation is slipping away. I thought I’d gotten past these kinds of feeling though. Maybe being aware of them has helped me to keep them under control. I sometimes wonder if it’s the opposite though. If being aware of them makes them more real. I don’t know. Maybe I’m on facebook too much and being influenced too much again. I think I’d better get off there. 

I’m awake and alive. That’s something we should all appreciate every day that we wake up. This is a crazy world we live in and at times I’m blown away by people’s undertanding and beauty and at other times I’m shocked by their stupidity.  Oh well I guess life has surprises.    

Yesterday I was talking with the guy who’s helping me at work about anxiety. His sister is suffering with it and is probably going through a breakdown. I gave a little advice and he was quite open to it too. He has done something similar for his brother in the past. He’s struggling to communicate with his sister and can’t get through to her, so I suggested that he writes her a letter explaining how he feels and if he can’t give it to her now then save it and give it to her when she’s feeling better. Hopefully it’ll help.  

I was told that I was a bit grumpy yesterday. I explained to the person that I’m aware I’m feeling a bit that way and why I’m feeling like it. It’s almost the 7th anniversary of my mum dying. Even though I’m now aware that it affects me I still I can’t relax about it which I find very strange. I feel that knowing and being aware should help me to relax more about it. Maybe though it’s more than the mental connection? Maybe it’s also the physical connection too, through DNA and the fact I was born from her body? I’m not sure but it shows I’m still holding on to something somehow. I guess it’s a level of attachment.