Its Monday morning already again. I’m Tired but very wired. I went to bed just after 10:30pm but didn’t sleep until after 1am and was awake before 5:30am. Not good. I’m not sure if I’m anxious or just wired. I’ve a busy day ahead. Maybe I’m just wired. My ears are ringing. Who knows what’s in store for me today. I’ve actually just come over very serene. I’m a bit all over the place these last few days. I should write a list of things I need to do today.
It’s Sunday. I didn’t sleep very well last night. I woke from 2:20am onwards. The kids are tricky too.
It’s Saturday morning and I’m wondering if I should go to work or not as it might rain very soon. I don’t mind the rain but what I have to do is outside and the rain will cause issues with what I have to do. I don’t want to get behind at work though. It’s a tough one. If I rest I will have more get up and go next week. I’m feeling pretty good in myself and things are pretty good in life. It’s tough not being 100% about what to do though. I’ll give it a little while and see. If it doesn’t rain I’ll feel silly.
I woke up early yet again. I went to bed at least half an hour later too. My wife asked me if it was an orange flag moment last night too. I’m not so sure but my ears are still ringing, although I may know why, and I’m a little anxious this morning but not the normal anxiousness. I guess I’ll see. Lots to do today. I might have a coffee to try to balance me out. It’s funny how it can do that. I’ve also just realised that my throat is feeling sore, another sign. At least I’m very aware of it all. Last night I played lots of music. That can be a sign but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t last night. I was just enjoying being able to have music on.
It’s Thursday already. This has been a busy week so far. I’ve still got lots I’d like to do too. I may work some of Saturday. I’ve realised how much what others say to me affects me and can continue to do so until register that it’s eating at me. Last night my wife had had a bottle of wine and then was quite angry or passive aggressive towards me briefly. I waited and then went and apologised to her for anything I may have done to upset her, something that can happen. When she explained her anger I was surprised. Anyway I found that it was eating away at me this morning and was playing on my mind when I was in ritual. It took a while until I realised that it was me carrying this inside and letting it eat away at me. As I write this I sense de ja vu. It’s good when I can realise that things can eat at me. Things my wife says to me especially so. I’ve often wondered if she does it on purpose. Then I realise that it’s not so, or at least it better not be.
I guess life has it’s ups and downs and once again I’m feeling a bit tired in all respects. A life of solitude seems most appealing. A life of no work. A life of not being so tired. A life where I have more time for my family and myself where we can live much more healthily. A relaxed life. Maybe even a life where I don’t interact so much with others if only for the winter.
The last two mornings I’ve woken early, much earlier than normal. I’ve woken a few times in the night and probably woke fully am before 5:30am this morning. I’m ok but I’m getting tired earlier during the day. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year or if it’s a change of mood. The more I look into these things the more questions it raises. It might even be due to the rituals that I’m carrying out. Either way I’m going to have to keep to regular sleep patterns more than ever. I’m also going to try keeping to my daily diary again too. The one where I log all moods and meal times and sleep etc. I’ve not written in it for a long while. If it’s dry tonight I’ll do a workout too.
I’ve woken up this morning very slightly anxious. I’ve been unsure about the weather so maybe it’s that. It’s supposed to get out today and be dry. I hope so. I think I’m finally starting to overcome a few things too. My ears are still ringing and have been for over 2 weeks now. It’s been a while since I’ve felt any anxiety. Maybe this is brought on by the weather throwing my work a little even though I can get on elsewhere. I guess I need to erasure myself that it’s just building a picture on the greater whole.
I’ve done my morning ritual too.
Its a wet start to the week ahead. It’s going to be wet for several days now too, maybe at least until Thursday. I need to finish painting the outside of a house too and have another one to do yet. Luckily I’ve got the inside of a big house to decorate out. I’m reasonably happy this morning too. I woke briefly a couple of times in the night but that’s ok. I did fear I might be anxious this morning but I’m not. I’m actually feeling good. Life is good. I think the internal works I’m carrying out are helping me. It’s certainly keeping me to good sleep habits.
I’ve already practiced this mornings ritual. I’m various as to how much I can write but I can say the divine spark is growing inside me. I’m always cautious about saying these things in case I awaken ego or if it’s ego talking. Anyway my works are going well and there have been moments of inspiration and intervention, both good and also nosey intervention. I’m reading a little about Gnosticism and also the divine spark within oneself. At the moment it’s resonating with me. I’m not saying it’s all a cure for my mind but it’s certainly helping me to stay in a good place. I guess it’s about finding what’s truly important in ones life.
I’ve tried helping a few others to awaken, in the past I’d say I wasted my time, and it’s helped form a good perspective of where I am at, where I’m headed and how I’ve gotten here too. In the end though I have had to cut those people out for my own mental health and for my own spiritual journey to continue.
I guess if I had to offer any advice to another, or myself for that matter, it would be to discover your true inner self. Often we live external lives and not internal. We are caught up in materialism, which is a false system, and forget that we really are good people at heart no matter how bad our thoughts can get. To fully know yourself is a big journey to undertake too. It’s not just about admiring your best points or your worst traits either. Admitting those is a start but actually trying to understand yourself and the reasons further behind them is where you start to find your true self. It can be a very painful journey too and that’s why often those that take some steps stop and back away. I would even suggest that it’s possibly too hard for some to contemplate in this moment in time, but there’s always hope, always the glimmer of divine spark within each and every one of us. Life, however hard, is a good thing and any problems that seem too much can be broken down. Enjoy your day ahead.
I have realised that I’d not written yet today. It’s 7:24pm. My stomach is slightly upset this evening. My mood however is reasonably stable. I’m tired. Earlier I had a headache and my ears continue to ring. I had written recently that my mood felt pretty normal for about 3 weeks. I’m not fully sure if it was or wasn’t. When a high crept in I barely saw triggers which normally I do see. In hindsight I’ve seen them but not at the time. I’ve also learnt that for me if I’m high or low coffee is a good leveller. Coffee with no sugar that is. Sugar avoidance is a big must at all times for me as it sets me off and also I tend to crave it when I’m very tired, so I have to be cautious. Normally I avoid most stimulants these days. If I’m craving sugar I’m starting to be more aware of possible mood changes due to tiredness and sometimes that tiredness leads to me being awake longer if that makes sense.
My rituals are still ongoing and will be for the foreseeable future too. I’m pretty sure they’ve helped level me. They’re certainly helping to give me some focus again. I’m researching several things too all related to my ongoing works and the HGA.
I did a workout again last night. I’m feeling a bit normal again. I think. It’s hard to say. Hopefully I’ve levelled off again. I guess I’ll know more later.
I did my ritual again last night and this morning. Things are going well. I can’t say much more.