Today we went to the city, I drove, I was so tired at times I had a few mild hallucinations. I started getting pretty irritable more so internally than I let show externally but my thoughts were getting really dark. Even my so each wasn’t the most polite. I managed about a 20 minute snooze late afternoon and woke feeling full of beans again but still irritable. It’s now 10:27 pm and I’m wide awake having got maybe 6 hours sleep total last night with a break of 3 hours I between those 6 hours. I’m getting pretty concerned now about being this wired. It’s bit good I’m usually fast asleep by now. I’ll try sleeping soon because I’m tired but fear I’ll either not sleep or my dreams will be twisted dreams again tonight. Not good. I can’t articulate it all properly. Today my head hurt so much it felt like my brain had expanded to twice its normal size. Not good. It still hurts a bit now.
It’s Saturday morning already. I camped in the garden with my kids last night and woke up at 2:30 as usual, went out for a pee but then couldn’t sleep as I was wired. I got back to sleep about 5:30-5:40am but woke again at 6 then fell asleep until just after 8am. Not good. I did however avoid any bad dreams. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t sleep because of the dreams. I’m not sure but I will need to rest well all weekend now it I know my mood will go all over the place. I’m feeling a little like I’m tipsy drunk right now but I’ve not drank any alcohol. It’ll pass I’m sure but I need to keep an eye on my moods today.
Last night I noticed our neighbour seems to of pointed one of his CCTV cameras onto our front drive, nosey bastard. I’ll check properly later and if that’s the case he’s breaking the law. He’s a horrible guy too. Smarmy bastard who thinks he’s always right. I’ve looked into the legalities of it and it’s wrong and he’s not got boards up saying that he’s filming either. We live in very rural north Norfolk not the inner city! He’s odd very odd. He’s a twat.
I’m hungry and am going to eat.
Last night my dreams were very odd again and I woke up anxious and not as refreshed as normal. I dreamt my kids were being taken away into care and I was being arrested. It seems anxiety is creeping in first thing in the morning. Yesterday I felt like it too but got high at work. I had huge energy. I’m starting to get really tired too.
I need to work out why its heading this way. I don’t want a crash or a meltdown. I fear it right now but I don’t want to instigate it. I have made a few silly mistakes at work too because my focus has been shot to pieces.
And so I’ve realised anxiety is back. It’s been back all of this week in hindsight and probably last week too, but I’ve been caught up in feeling a little ok, possibly slightly delusional too. I’ve been dreaming about people I know who are already dead. It happens at times and usually it’s October/November time that my dreams turn slightly darker in nature. Two nights ago I dreamt about my mum, my grandad and my stepdad who are all dead. It was my granddad funeral and my mum and stepdad were there, they died before he did, and he was laying on a trailer being towed behind a car. I went up to him and he was warm, he wasn’t dead. I then found myself with them in my grandad sold house and nobody else was there. Last night I dreamt about an old neighbour who is dead too. Like I said it’s not unusual to have dreams like this but I’m conscious that they may be triggers or may indicate my mood is shifting again. I’m certainly very tired at the moment and if I didn’t have to go to work I would go back to bed and shut the world out for a few hours or days. I’m not feeling depressed, but maybe I’m on the brink of it. I don’t know. Maybe once I get to work I’ll feel high. It’s happened before. I guess it’s kind of a nervous anxious energy I get, but it can be a dark energy with moodiness thrown in, kind of mixed episode. I’m going to have to keep a close eye on myself.
I’m feeling good in myself again. I’m on a very good level but I’m getting a little tired. It’s a good tiredness but I’ll keep a check on it. I’ve not managed much meditation though.
I think I’ve levelled off a lot but I’m missing having full energy. I was a little later to bed last night and a little later getting up this morning. As long as I don’t tire too much at work I’ll be ok. Work is good at the minute too. I’m enjoying it lots. I’m enjoying life again too. I always used to think I was either happy with work or happy with life away from work but never happy with both. I guess it’s taken me this long to be able to understand myself better, I know I’ll have other incidences too, to be fully in touch with myself and to shed ego. Ego has been a big thing to deal with, to actually see it for what it really is.
The last two nights I’ve struggled to relax and unwind in bed which has affected my sleep. It’s taken longer to go to sleep too and I’m feeling full of anxious energy. I’ve some work stuff on my mind which I will deal with today. I know if I put things off they build up to a bigger picture in my mind. So I’ll deal with them head on. I’ve already contacted one person, just 3 more to go. I’m not sure what’s triggering this this time as I’ve had a good relaxing weekend. Hmmm.