I’m in physical pain. I’ve done something to my shoulder, my left shoulder, and I dontknow what. It’s hurt all night and I’ve not slept so well. It hurts. When I did sleep my dreams have been freaky, very freaky. The last dream I had before getting up was about my dad. I was at his house and I think I was living there. I felt a cold draft and I had a fire burning because I could see smoke, so I went into his room and he lay there in bed unwell. I was trying to make him better. I couldn’t help him. It was winter outside and he had a small window open. Anyway it was freaky. He didn’t even want water. He had given up.  

I’ve lots to do today and need to be fully fit but I’m feeling tired now and my shoulder is a fucker. I always avoid pain killers but today I might take some. My stomach is grumbling away too and has been all night. I’ve had too many late nights and been too much of a mess psychologically recently.  I’m not even sure where my head is at. I knew my dads death would affect me but I’m mentally all over the place and the mask is firmly on. I tried to let it slip Sunday night by drinking but it didn’t work. If anything it’s made matters worse.  Far worse. Indeed to avoid drinking might be a good idea. It might well stop me being a twat and thinking stupid shitty thoughts. It might not though. My head is going to be the death of me. I hones,t thought I could control my thought patterns, that I could learn to see the triggers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t want to take medicication either. I’ve still not gone back to the doctors. Maybe I should but I know they’ll fob me off. I also fear what else they might do. They could lock me up.  

I’ve been wondering all day about if I should write this or not. Well I’m writing so I guess it’s going to be put down here. First I must say that im feeling ok tonight. That I’ve had a good day today too. Work went well and I’m in an ok place.  Right that said I need to go back to last night. Late afternoon/early evening yesterday I started drinking. I drank lots. I’m not a drinker but last night I drank more than two bottles of wine. I got extremely wasted. I almost broke down but didn’t quite. I ended up in a bad place mentally and emotionally and thanks to a few online friends I was able to get through it. I got so very low last night I couldn’t see a way out of anything. I was suicidal. I very nearly took a rope and hung myself. It didn’t quite get that far but the thoughts were there fully and I went up the garden where I intended to do it. In part it was down to the drink bringing up lots of emotions and grief. It heightened everything. I think that’s why I drank. So that I could try to get all of it out. To let go. Anyway it didn’t quite work that way.  Anyway I’m here to tell the tale today.  Last night I really didn’t think I would be.  Life goes on and perspectives change, luckily. 

It’s Monday once again. I’m not anxious today. Im still a bit pissed up from last night though. I had nearly 2 bottles of wine. I’m not a drinker either. I don’t ususaly drink either. I certainly had far too much to drink.  I almost broke down too. Almost. Emotions were running super high. Oh well. That’s life. I’m not sure where my head is at today.

Lots to do today at work. I’ve got the flooring and kitchen arriving today. 

Ok so it’s sunday already. I was high yesterday and completely forgot to write anything.  Friday and Saturday night I was up late. Well it was Saturday and Sunday morning before sleep. I’ve had 3/4 of a bottle of wine and I’m slightly pissed but fuck it I deserve it. I’m fucking awesome motherfuckers. Life’s so short. So very short. Who knows. When it will end. I’ve been online and have just bought a book about polytunnel a and also a cover for a polytunnel. Oh forgot to say we picked up a free polytunnel Friday night. How lucky is that. We’ve got about £350-450 pounds worth of polytunnel for £85 if you include hotspot tape. Anyway the epweather is really good and the greenhouse has been up to over 40*c. All is good. It’s strange though. Life I mean. We are born. We fuck about and think we know what we are doing but in reality we are all just winging it. Then we die. We kick the fucking bucket. No wonder the world is fucked. Up haha. That’s life I guess.  Humans. The bane of earth. Nature always finds a way. Nature will survive the fall of humankind. Good I say. Fuck it all. We all die. We don’t all love though. 

It’s Friday night already and for the past few days I’ve actually been feeling really good. I forgot to write yesterday. I intended to but it didn’t happen. Anyway late,y I’ve been dreaming lots about dead people. Especially family members.  I’ve been able to literally nod off and go straight into a dream. Last night it happened 3 times in quick succession. I saw my dads corpse/body as a kind of puppet suspended by his arms on a metal rod, kind of like a partial crucifix position. It’s was really strange and freaky. It threw me a bit. I’m also sleeping very very solidly at night, although waking up early and refreshed. Sometimes I’m awake too early but I just nod off again and try to relax. I’m surprised I’m still so tired but that’s ok so long as I’m feeling good.

Today we picked up a free polytunnel frame that was advertised in a local magazine. It’s so good to be able to reuse things and also to get them from free. We just need to get a cover for it now. I’ve already put it up. I’ll make the door and will also make a timber bottom frame so I can peg it down properly. All is good. Life is good. 

I’ve slept well but woke at 5:30 this morning. I did snooze again until 6:20 when I got up. I was so tired yesterday I had a sleep on the sofa about 6:45 last night. I’m trying to be off Facebook again. I’ve not deactivated but I’m trying to change how I use it.  One thing that’s good is where I’m working there is no phone signal at all so I can’t go on even if I wanted to. I can’t believe how much I got done in only a anew Hours there yesterday. Amazing. That’s the distraction of Facebook I guess and my addictive behaviours. So I’m trying to cut out anything that’s detrimental to me on there or anything that’s neggative based etc.  Anyway I woke early and was anxious when I got up. I’m not so anxious now but it’s still there simmering away.  

My van is in the garage and has been since yesterday. It’s a bit of a ball ache but hopefully I can pick it up later today.  I’ve so much to get done and it’s all doable. It’s just the anxiety that gets to me though. All the racing thoughts beating me up a bit. I know I’ll get there.    

It’s still not sunk in or even sinking in that my dad has died. That he’s dead. He’s gone. His body is in a wooden box in a hole in the ground. The scary thing is that it feels like a film or something. Like none of it’s real. It’s not happened or happening. I can’t explain it very well but I feel like I’m not feeling it. Like I’m just plodding along but a bit more tired. It’s nuts. I know everyone grieves differently but I keep trying to be rational about it all. I really don’t know what I think or feel. I’m not sure I can even. I’ve so many others that need me to be me I have to keep going. So I’ll keep my mask on. Problem is it’s getting or got to the stage where I don’t even know if I’m wearing it or not. It’s all just a big huge roundabout going around and around. A carousel going around and around and up and down. The music is deafening too. Lah lah lah lah. 

Once again I’m anxious. Very anxious. I’m not sure why because today I can have an easy day if I want to. I woke up at 5:15 and have snoozed a little since then. I’ve got cold sores coming on my face again, I thought they were going.  My stomach is in knots too. I’m hoping that once I’m at work it will pass. I feel silly because yesterday I felt normal and because of that I felt fake. How bloody stupid of me. Who am I really and when will I know?

I’m sat here tying myself in knots and I don’t even know what about. I know I have to step back on the treadmill yet again. Everything is building up. I think I’m starting to worry about how I will pay for the funeral too. There’s still so much to do and so ice paperwork to go through. It’s getting a bit painful again. I’m hot too. My body is hot. Do I get lots of paperwork sorted out today or do I go to physical work and earn money. I don’t know. The house needs more clearing too. I never used to be so indecisive. I’m becoming a twat now I’m getting older. Weak minded too. Ah sod it all. I might just go back to bed. Go and hide from it all. I wish I could but I can’t.    

Oh my ears are ringing too. Am I going up or down. I don’t know. I’ll have to wait and see. Fuck. 

So it’s the last day of Maay and I’ve done more house clearing at my dads. I went there at lunchtime and started sorting photographs etc. Then my family arrived. We got loads into the van and car then it all got a bit much so we brought it hom and unloaded. A quick rest and cuppa and we went back and sorted some things that needed recycling and too them to the recycling centre. It’s fucking tough going through a dead parents things.  We brought his big tv back here and I installed it. It’s great but it also feels odd having it here. Kind of freaky and final. I know there’s lots still to do but its getting easier bit by bit. Life has to go on and it will. One thing that dawned on me is that I’m now free. I’m. Free with no real tied anymore. That in itself is fucking freaky but hey ho. I think I’m probably a bit high but that’s ok. I need it right now. I’ve also found out a few more people who came to his funeral. My children still amaze me day by day. Today they’ve been great help mostly while claring his house.  They both came to his funeral and followed the coffin and came to the grave side as he was intered.  What beautiful beings my kids are. I’m very lucky to have them. What a beautiful family I have and yet at times I feel so distant from them, like I distance myself for their and my own protection. Strange. But hey life is strange.

   Today I found old diaries of my dads with certain dates in. Like the death of friends of his or the time and date of birth of my children too.  I’m going to miss him at times. I’m just glad I was there towards the end. 

So it’s Saturday lunchtime already. Life goes on. Yesterday was the funeral and it was a good send off. Lots of my dads close friends and family came to say good bye to him. It seems strange or even funny that he is dead and buried in a hole in the ground. How funny life is and the traditions and superstitions we give to it. Anyway it’s time to take stock of lie and move forwards. Ive got lots of bridges to rebuild with people. Lots of things to do. Lots of socialising to start doing again too. For the last few years I have been pretty much a hermit. My mental health has almost crippled me at times, hell it’s even nearly killed me! Or I’ve nearly killed me! The last few years are over now. Both my parents have died and no amount of grief, anger or frustration will bring them back so it time grow a little more and move onwards. Life is precious.      

I’m not sure where life will take me or my family now but I do know I’m strong.  I’m stronger than I’ve ever known. I’ve also grown a lot lately too and in ways I never realised I could grow. There are things I need to change and other things indeed to start doing but I will get there. I know that depression will creep up on me as will the crazy highs but for now I accept that it’s part of who I am and I will do my best to just be myself.      

Life goes on and always will. 

It’s my dads funeral today and im starting to get angry. Actually I’m very angry already. Almost in a rage. It’s simmering away below the surface.  I’ll not suffer bullshait or fools lightly today. I’ve got the fuck gun ready and anyone who pisses me off will get both barrels. Boom. Fucking cunts. They can all fuck right off. There are a few who need telling. They need telling that they’re arseholes and wankers. Piss taking fuckers.

    My dreams were pretty strange last night. I dreamt I was getting injections. Also that I was cleaning shoes. I’ve no idea what that’s all about.  

People piss me off. They can fuck off.  I’m sure I’ll hear some good stories today.  I’ll probably hear all kinds of bullshit too. Maybe I should give a speech about what my dad really thought about people, both the good and the bad.  That’d be good wouldn’t it an honest funeral speech. I could stand there and point people out. Starting with all the good things. They’d all think how nice. Then boom I could point and say ‘ my dad said you were a cunt and couldn’t stand you. He didn’t want you in his house when he was ill. In fact he locked the door so he didn’t have to see you. He said you are a horrible person’ boom and on and on.  Yes yes yes I’m not likely to do that really. But maybe I should. Some people really do need telling. It’s the fucking  hippocrits I hate. Like the people who owe him money and have done for years. He was a soft touch for a sob story and for helping people out.  Funny thing is those people don’t know that I know who they are. Fuckers. I’ll get them. I’ll get even with them. Boom.  Anyway if anyone gives me bullshit today they’re getting it point blank. Cunts.  

 So how am I feeling?  Well I guess angry is a start. Getting a bit high too which is a worry but fuck it. It is what it is.