Once again it’s Monday morning. I’m anxious again but its not as bad as usual. I can’t remember how much I’ve said lately about things or how much I’ve written. I have come to realise that often I write about external things. Well the garden is growing well and we have had a few feeds of lettuce leaves and spinach so far. It’s very therapeutic being out there doing things. Right back to my head again. I’m so all over the place it’s hard to keep a track on what I’ve written, who I’ve spoken to, what I’ve said and if some of my thoughts are just thoughts or if I’ve aid about it.  I’ve been going up and down so much lately it’s getting a bit much. I’ve realised that I’m a bit surprised at myself. I drink alcohol again, I eat meat again too. These things I held very dear to me. They were part of what I believed to be the right thing to do and the right way to live and I’ve kind of just thrown them to one side. Last Thursday I phoned the local well being team and left a message because I can’t keep going on like this. I need to talk to them and see if I can’t get some help. I have so much self discipline in most things but it cracks and breaks in others. I very nearly rang the Samaritans because of struggling so much. Life and death seem so mixed up and close at the minute not much seems real. I feel like I’m a bit high on drugs a lot of the time. Kind of a bit fuzzy. I know at times I’m getting obsessions too. Little things. Mostly I handle things ok and that’s good but sometimes a tiny little thing will niggle me too much. It’s so hard to know when it’s happening. I drank last night. I was going to buy fruit wine, then I wasnt, I was going to buy cider then I wasnt. We went to a shop and I told my wife I wouldn’t have any booze. I stayed in the car for about 30 seconds and then went in and bout fruit cider. Ok it’s only a drink but it’s the thought patterns that I struglle with about it. Strange. Oh well I will keep plodding on. For now. 

Ok so some thoughts. Life is fucking short so make the most of it as much as possible. Take out enough life insurance to cover your bloody funeral and other outgoings. In fact cover your arse really well with insurance. Haha I’ve just realised that the last one could almost contradict the first. Ok so insure yourself well enough but fucking live too. Stop buying so much crap. You don’t need it. It’s all just clutter. De clutter your lives and your mind. Never be afraid to show your emotions. I hide mine far too much. It kills me inside. I well up inside but outside I look normal. I’m almost breaking and you’d never notice. Maybe I’m breaking right now. Maybe I’m at the start of a breakdown but can’t tell just yet. It could just be grief but my head is fucked up lately. Very fucked up. I’ve been thinking about hurting people or murderous thoughts lately. I’ve had paranoia too. I’ve had thoughts that the hospital killed my dad off and that they do away with people to keep numbers down. I’ve thought that that’s why they admitted him to hospital, so they could finish him off as soon as possible. Ok, we are all just walking meat and are really no different from any other animal. I know we think we are but truthfully we aren’t. We are just a bunch of chemicals reacting inside an organic bunch of cells all slapped together. Life isn’t even real. It’s just a figment of imagination. My imagination. My imagination is a figment of my imagination too. I’m a self created myth. I’m only real while I think I am and even those thoughts are lies. Regardless I intend to try to enjoy this thing called life. I have to because the other option is to check out. To cash my chips in and see what’s on the other side fully. To go into the bardo state of death. To enter the nether realms. To exist in non existence. Anyway non of it is real. 

Its Friday evening already and I’m feeling ok today. Yesterday was a shocking day. I hasuch rage all day. I wanted to kill or hurt people. I was livid. I was fuming. Luckily I calmed myself down. I needed to.  

Anyway today has been ok. Tonight will be ok. I will be ok. Everyone else can just deal with it. One thing that has flared up today is my hay fever. That can really batter me badly. Anyway I’m sat indoors now as the pollen is high. I’m drinking cider too. My wife bought me a couple of bottles. She bought herself a bottle of wine. Maybe tomorrow I’ll buy a few bottles of wine for myself and get hammered. I feel like it. Anyway for tonight the cider will do.  

So tomorrow I needto clear more of my dads house the closer it gets toning c,ear the harder it is. It’s the house I grew up in. It was always my place of safety. It’s where I lived pretty much 3/4 of my life so far. Also what’s hard is it’s the last remnant I have of my dad. Once it’s cleared it’ll be handed back to the council and someone else will move in and life will have to move on. I know my wife doesn’t get it. She has moved several times in her life, even in childhood. Plus her parents a still alive and in their 80’s. My mum died aged 53 and now my dad aged 74.  I just don’t think she gets it at all. Oh well. That’s life. So tomorrow will be hard. I’ll go there on my own and start clearing things. Lots of the furniture nobody wants so I will end up having to scrap it or break it up and dispose of it. A whole life in boxs, bags and the rubbish dump, how very sad that is. 

Today I’ve had a huge angry rage all day. The end. I’ll live. 

I wish I had internet all the time becaue when I’m at my worst I should get things down. Usually I dont put it straight down. Well today I’m feeling ok. My body doesn’t ache too badly either. Yesterday however I was a yoyo, up and down all day. I was so tired by the end of it all too.  I really need to kick my own arsenal get back into some proper sleep habits. Far too many wired nights lately. I really do have to remind myself that I need sleep. Lots of sleep. I need to get myself up to bed far earlier and to actually try to go to sleep earlier too. Often I go to bed and just read or go online because I’m not tired. It’s a vicious circle too because getting out of synch makes things worse and the worse things are then the more out I get thrown ad infinitum. I guess that’s one good thing about trying to blog everyday, I notice things mostly and notice them better than ever before. The older I get the worse I get. Life does suck at times.   It would seem that lately it’s been so up and down too. Far too much for my liking. I intended to phone the local wellbeing team yesterday but had no signal and I’d also forgotten too. Oh well. 

I’m in physical pain. I’ve done something to my shoulder, my left shoulder, and I dontknow what. It’s hurt all night and I’ve not slept so well. It hurts. When I did sleep my dreams have been freaky, very freaky. The last dream I had before getting up was about my dad. I was at his house and I think I was living there. I felt a cold draft and I had a fire burning because I could see smoke, so I went into his room and he lay there in bed unwell. I was trying to make him better. I couldn’t help him. It was winter outside and he had a small window open. Anyway it was freaky. He didn’t even want water. He had given up.  

I’ve lots to do today and need to be fully fit but I’m feeling tired now and my shoulder is a fucker. I always avoid pain killers but today I might take some. My stomach is grumbling away too and has been all night. I’ve had too many late nights and been too much of a mess psychologically recently.  I’m not even sure where my head is at. I knew my dads death would affect me but I’m mentally all over the place and the mask is firmly on. I tried to let it slip Sunday night by drinking but it didn’t work. If anything it’s made matters worse.  Far worse. Indeed to avoid drinking might be a good idea. It might well stop me being a twat and thinking stupid shitty thoughts. It might not though. My head is going to be the death of me. I hones,t thought I could control my thought patterns, that I could learn to see the triggers, but I don’t think I can. I don’t want to take medicication either. I’ve still not gone back to the doctors. Maybe I should but I know they’ll fob me off. I also fear what else they might do. They could lock me up.  

I’ve been wondering all day about if I should write this or not. Well I’m writing so I guess it’s going to be put down here. First I must say that im feeling ok tonight. That I’ve had a good day today too. Work went well and I’m in an ok place.  Right that said I need to go back to last night. Late afternoon/early evening yesterday I started drinking. I drank lots. I’m not a drinker but last night I drank more than two bottles of wine. I got extremely wasted. I almost broke down but didn’t quite. I ended up in a bad place mentally and emotionally and thanks to a few online friends I was able to get through it. I got so very low last night I couldn’t see a way out of anything. I was suicidal. I very nearly took a rope and hung myself. It didn’t quite get that far but the thoughts were there fully and I went up the garden where I intended to do it. In part it was down to the drink bringing up lots of emotions and grief. It heightened everything. I think that’s why I drank. So that I could try to get all of it out. To let go. Anyway it didn’t quite work that way.  Anyway I’m here to tell the tale today.  Last night I really didn’t think I would be.  Life goes on and perspectives change, luckily. 

It’s Monday once again. I’m not anxious today. Im still a bit pissed up from last night though. I had nearly 2 bottles of wine. I’m not a drinker either. I don’t ususaly drink either. I certainly had far too much to drink.  I almost broke down too. Almost. Emotions were running super high. Oh well. That’s life. I’m not sure where my head is at today.

Lots to do today at work. I’ve got the flooring and kitchen arriving today. 

Ok so it’s sunday already. I was high yesterday and completely forgot to write anything.  Friday and Saturday night I was up late. Well it was Saturday and Sunday morning before sleep. I’ve had 3/4 of a bottle of wine and I’m slightly pissed but fuck it I deserve it. I’m fucking awesome motherfuckers. Life’s so short. So very short. Who knows. When it will end. I’ve been online and have just bought a book about polytunnel a and also a cover for a polytunnel. Oh forgot to say we picked up a free polytunnel Friday night. How lucky is that. We’ve got about £350-450 pounds worth of polytunnel for £85 if you include hotspot tape. Anyway the epweather is really good and the greenhouse has been up to over 40*c. All is good. It’s strange though. Life I mean. We are born. We fuck about and think we know what we are doing but in reality we are all just winging it. Then we die. We kick the fucking bucket. No wonder the world is fucked. Up haha. That’s life I guess.  Humans. The bane of earth. Nature always finds a way. Nature will survive the fall of humankind. Good I say. Fuck it all. We all die. We don’t all love though. 

It’s Friday night already and for the past few days I’ve actually been feeling really good. I forgot to write yesterday. I intended to but it didn’t happen. Anyway late,y I’ve been dreaming lots about dead people. Especially family members.  I’ve been able to literally nod off and go straight into a dream. Last night it happened 3 times in quick succession. I saw my dads corpse/body as a kind of puppet suspended by his arms on a metal rod, kind of like a partial crucifix position. It’s was really strange and freaky. It threw me a bit. I’m also sleeping very very solidly at night, although waking up early and refreshed. Sometimes I’m awake too early but I just nod off again and try to relax. I’m surprised I’m still so tired but that’s ok so long as I’m feeling good.

Today we picked up a free polytunnel frame that was advertised in a local magazine. It’s so good to be able to reuse things and also to get them from free. We just need to get a cover for it now. I’ve already put it up. I’ll make the door and will also make a timber bottom frame so I can peg it down properly. All is good. Life is good.