Today is the first day of the working week for me. In the UK it was a bank holiday last Friday and yesterday. I’m feeling pretty calm and ready for work, no anxiety today. I know where we will be working and have known for a week or so, which always helps. I often wonder if a job in a fixed place would suit me better, but then remember how I dislike being in one place too long. I don’t think I Could work for someone else either, not unless they had similar goals in life or business as I do.

Life is such a funny thing really. It’s funny how we get stressed over so many things which minutes, hours, days or weeks later aren’t important at all, let alone years later. Maybe I’m an idealist, but I do honestly believe we can all live far better than we do now. We need to strive to better ourselves and mankind. Money rules too many things, well not money but profit. I wonder what advances would occur if we really put ourselves to task?

Mood and mind wise I’ve been pretty level for a few weeks now with only minor drop offs. I’m hoping that is because I’ve put work in by keeping a diary of my moods and my eating and sleeping, I try to keep to a very regular bedtime and I wake up at a very similar time each day too. I’m keeping a good eye on my tension within my body too. My jaw and fists clench and my neck gets tight when I’m feeling some stress or anger.  I guess it’s all about keeping good circadian rhythms.

It’s funny how we always come back to feelings, rather than logic. I often write about how I feel or have felt.  This morning I’ve had a few doubts creep in to my mind about working out. I’m concerned that it might spread to other thoughts or thinking. I’ve been reading up lots on various forms of working out and I know logically that I’m right and my decision to train how I do is right, but the other part of me seems to be struggling with logic, I guess I’m trying to trip myself up, but this time I won’t allow it. I’m going to be selfish and stubborn and stick to what I know is right. It’s not easy though. I guess working out and this internal dialogue and struggle are a smaller part of all of my inner dialogue and struggles.  Maybe it’s a smaller battle but its one way to reset myself from downward spirals. I guess knowing I’m right is good enough. I just need to be patient and chart all progress with mind and body. 

I’m enjoying the feeling of myself growing again in all respects. I don’t like being stagnant. I’m enjoying the process, the philosophy and the results. I’m still feeling pretty good although I had a couple of moments the last few days, but I caught them quickly because I’d noticed the triggers or warnings. Yesterday I actually managed to let go of something, I don’t know what, but my children got me on a trampoline and I loved it. I’d not been on one with them before and I felt some kind of release, some kind of pure joy.

I guess it’s not easy when I have to be my own driving force. No one else will encourage me other than myself. I guess I feel at times that I’m half mocked, I’m sure I’m not but that’s how it feels. Back to ‘feelings’ again! Anyway encouragement would be nice. Maybe we should all help and encourage others to strive to be their best, to try to better themselves, to also create a better environment, a better place and world for all of us.  To have more of an Objectivist approach rather than be Machiavellian. Why live in a world of belittling others when we could raise everyone to their own best person rather than keep them down. I’m not talking about a false utopian world, but a real world where man only wants to work or compete etc with the best competition or rivals, to have the best people around them both in work life and home life. No more belittling others. 

I had strange dreams last night. I was trying to find my phone, which I knew was at my aunts house. I was trying to contact my mum, who was kind of there too, but when I phoned my mum I got my cousin instead. All very strange and quite a bad and frustrating dream. My mum died 6 years ago now. I could see her and sense her but couldn’t reach her or contact her. Pretty strange. I guess I felt a bit helpless although I was doing everything in my power to get to her and contact her.

The night before I dreamt I was having a physical fight with my dad. A violent fight, well it was more a case of me beating him up.   That 2 nights of strange dreams and both about my parents.  I think I need to be aware that my emotions are heightened. Maybe I’m a little tired too.  I just need to keep an eye out for any triggers.

I’m not feeling too bad in myself, in fact I feel pretty amazing physically and pretty good mentally. It’s hard to be relaxed about feeling good in case I nose dive, but if I don’t relax and feel good I could make it happen anyway. I guess it’s also easy to tie oneself up in knots and let my thinking run away with me. 

I’m feeling a little tired now. I worked out earlier and feel good but tired. I did have a few moments earlier when I noticed I was clenching my fists and jaw, but luckily I noticed the triggers so I calmed it straight down. I just hope I can continue noticing things as much as I have been lately. So far, so good I guess. Life is such a constant learning curve. 

I’m tired but happy this morning, not excited happy or high happy, just reasonably happy, kind of ‘level’.  Yesterday I took my children to a motorbike racetrack to watch free practice. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive each way and I was concerned they might get bored and knowing I might get tired too. It was however really nice to take them, they enjoyed it quite a bit and I was ready to leave when they had had enough too, so it worked really well. It’s taught me that I can keep my cool even if I’m tired and that I’m pretty aware of any mood drop off triggers. I’ve read that if one can switch from a bad mood and realise they can switch that’s a big thing, I read it in a Tibetan Buddhist book. 

Life is pretty good right now and I’m pretty certain that working out has helped lots and I’ve only been working out properly for a week. I guess my goals in life are to do what makes me happy and live life fully but not to put things off too long.

I’ve been up since 6am and it’s now 9:36am here. I’ve practiced qigong and have read a fair amount, I’ve done part of my VAT and might be off to watch some motorbike racing. I’m feeling nice and relaxed too. 

Today is the last day of my week this week as its Easter weekend. No more work until Tuesday. Lots of rest time.

I’m a little tired from working out again, but realise its part of the process. I’ll just rest a bit more. I’m feeling very good though. I’m conscious of it not becoming too much of an obsession though. 

I’m aware that the tiredness could lead to a drop off in my moods if I get too tired. I’m keeping a good eye on things and I’m pretty sure my wife is too. I think she’s a little concerned already. I have realised that I find it hard to read others sometimes.

It’s another fine day today. There is a tiny bit of frost out there too but it’s nice and clear. I’m feeling good. Lots of things to do today. I’ve practiced qigong for about 11 minutes and meditated for over 15 too already. I’m not too sore from doing a leg workout last night either. So all is good. Today I will be calm and relaxed. 

There’s not too much to say other than I’m feeling good. I’m not feeling hyper manic either, maybe the workouts are using up some energy and creating some different energy. I’m pretty focused on work too and getting out of debt. 

I know things don’t change over night, one needs to work at them long term and not give up.

I’ve had a really good day and I’m feeling really good too. I’ve done my first leg workout for years too! I love feeling this good.

I had a really good day yesterday, both at work and within myself, until later in the day/evening. I went into my office to start doing my VAT and really couldn’t be bothered. I noticed I had a slight headache and wasn’t feeling great. I explained to my wife how I couldn’t be bothered with doing the VAT and that whilst feeling like that I should leave it alone, so I did. I went and had a long hot bath. Normally I would push through regardless. I’m glad I didn’t because I’m pretty sure I avoided a tipping point in my mood. Looking back I would normally of forced myself to get on with the VAT sand ended up stressed, tired and nosediving. This morning I’m feeling quite relaxed and good again, not too high. I think I’m lucky that I’ve avoided a huge mood crash and a day or two of depression and worry. It’s difficult to know when instinct is instinct and not laziness. Instinct is always right with me, but when it’s laziness I end up stressed because of putting things off.

Today is another great day for getting on with things and I’ve promised myself that if I feel good when I get in I will start my VAT, even if I don’t finish it. Luckily I steer clear of coffee now or I would of drank strong coffee last night and forced myself into my office. What a difference some clear thinking can provide! I’m still yet to start my list of goals in life, family, business etc, but I will. In fact I will start now.