It’s Friday again and I’m reasonably happy. I’ve got maybe 2 hours work to do today and then I’m home to get in the office and do some prices. Work is really busy and after my 2 hours I can make another bill out too. Hurrah. I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.
I can’t remember if I mentioned it or not but I’ve joined a bipolar forum where lots of things can get discussed. I had a funny moment last night because I posted up asking if anyone has any blogs they recommend and I mentioned that I write this for my personal record. So far a few people read my post but no one has commented. Well last night before bed I realised I felt paranoid about not getting replies and started thinking that they’re either ignoring me, thinking I’m trying to promote this blog which I’m not or they don’t like me. I found it funny that a forum full of people who can get paranoid must be a strange place to open up at times and it must be really good for having to deal with ones paranoia and any anxiety about social interaction too! I also thought maybe they don’t like me and that’s actually ok. I’m fine with that. It’s helped me realise that as long as I’m happy with myself that’s all that really matters.
I emailed asking about the retreat I had used earlier this year and it’s available for 10 days in December. I’m going to email back and hopefully have the first 3-4 days so that I’m relaxed before Christmas. I’m already looking forwards to it. It will be great having a goal to keep me going and also having a cut off point for work, a definite date where I am ‘away’. Great.
I’ve been up since 6 am and I’ve mostly been meditating and working on no mind. I’m pretty relaxed but I’m wondering if I can bring Saturdays work forwards to tomorrow. Hopefully I can as Saturday might well be wet. I’m feeling like I’m getting on top of everything in life to a degree. Small steps work better than the huge leaps I usually make. Sometimes I’m so confident I make big choices without thinking about anything other than the positives. I’ve always thought others were holding me back but now realise that they were possibly a little more rational than me. That’s very hard to admit to! It’s not often, or it didn’t used to be, that I admit I’m wrong. Maybe now I’m more aware of these things I will move forwards in how I want to live much more easily.
Life catches me out at times and when it does I feel small and I feel like I just want to disappear into w hole in the ground. When it happens it catches me totally unaware and it’s only now that I’ve been working on it that I’m seeing the triggers easier, in fact I probably never did see triggers before. Anyway I’m feeling great again, a nice great not high, and I’m enjoying it. I’ve realised I don’t need to be super human all the time especially not at work. Quite often I do the work of two people.
Now that I’m getting on too of things much more I think I need to book myself into the solitary retreat that I used earlier this year. I know it gets very booked up so I might need to book for early next year. If that’s the case then I’ll have a few days at home to myself. A few relaxing days where I meditate and unwind a lot.
So far it’s a good day at work. Things are going really well and I’m happy and pretty present. I’m almost relaxed too! It can’t be bad if I’m feeling all of that. I’m sitting here wondering about reality and life and death whilst eating my lunch. I wonder what does happen when we die. I know I’ll find out when I die or maybe I won’t know anything about it. This isn’t unusual for me to think about these things. Only last night whilst in the shower I was thinking if animals have consciousness and I’ve drawn my own conclusion that they do. If they get hurt they feel it and show it by crying out or by their movement. Some animals mourn their dead too. So as far as I’m concerned they’re conscious beings too and I’m glad I’m vegetarian. Why would we think otherwise? This has drawn me to questioning death and reincarnation. It’s said that if we reincarnate we may come back as an animal. Maybe there’s far more to it than most would dare to believe.
I’ve been awake since 6am but had woken earlier a few times and I’ve just had a few thoughts. Last night my daughter got angry, she’s 8, and threw her small table and broke some glass in an old cabinet. She can have quite a temper on her. My son, who’s 10, can have a temper too. Do I affect them? I mean are they affected by growing up around me or have they inherited something from me? I know I had a temper when I was younger, is it part of my illness and have they inherited it too? Maybe they’re just tired and growing and I’m worrying too much. Anyway it got me thinking how a mental illness affects those around us. Often when I’m feeling really good I feel like I’m a fake because I don’t consider I have a mental illness, I guess that’s also the illness. When I go over the abyss I feel so bad that I don’t even question if I’m mentally ill.
I’ve joined a bipolar forum and that has concerned me a bit too. It’s concerned me because some of the people are on lots of medication and can’t work and have even been institutionalised briefly. That scares me because I don’t want to get that far down the road. I’ve felt that I’ve been really really close though. I’ve felt so empty that I’ve wanted to be institutionalised to have a mental break from the real world. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed the solitary retreat I did. Maybe that’s what I need more than anything else, to have a little more time on retreat.
Anyway the more I learn and understand, the more I’m aware of how I honestly feel and that also helps me to see any triggers or notice any moods that go out of a normal range. I’m determined to live a full normal life.
Today was a good day, so far, and I didn’t remain as present as I have been but I’m very present again now. It’s getting easier to watch my thoughts and feelings when they start to change for the worse now. I’m not saying it will always be like this but from little acorns mighty oaks grow. I’ll keep chipping away bit by bit until I’m at my best level of awareness and life. I’m positive that I’ll make these changes stick. It feels good to feel good. It feels even better to feel fully present.
I’m back working out again. I trained Saturday and yesterday with weights doing bodybuilding and this evening I just had a few minutes on the punchbag. I really enjoy skipping but it’s not ideal for bodybuilding. I might do a little anyway as I don’t need to be too serious about muscle gain.
So where can I head with this and with life? Feeling good is great but I’m also conscious of not getting high or going high. How funny is it to be worried about feeling too good! I’ll bet most people don’t think about it let alone HAVE to think about it. Onwards and upwards anyway. I’m off social media now I’ll possibly glance in from time to time but it’s a huge distraction and it’s a huge waste of time for me personally. I guess now I’m focused it’s easy but when or if I tail off then I’ll have to deal with what comes. I texted a friend yesterday pointing a few things out, I’m helping him to fully see the beauty of life and the esoteric meanings in things, I told him a few home truths and thought it might upset him but I think it was just what he needed to hear and he sent me a link to a YouTube video which was exactly what I was trying to say to him. I’ll share the link shortly in a separate post. Anyway he got the point hopefully.
So onwards and upwards for me and lots more meditation and reading to go with my not watching tv, in fact I’ve not watched tv for about 15 months now. We do occasionally watch a film on Netflix and we are watching breaking bad but don’t watch normal tv. Lots to do and lots of aims in life again.
I’m feeling very present again today. It feels really good. Last night I tailed off a bit but I woke this morning feeling really good and really present, maybe all of my hard work is paying off again! I think it is, to be honest I’m not thinking too much at all lately!
I’m at work and most of today I’ve been genuinely happy and I mean happy not high. I’m very present today and everything is good. I’ve had massive I sight into my wellbeing and my life. I feel that I’ve shed so much today from the last however many years that I’m ready to move fully forwards in life. I’ve had someone tell me recently that depression etc is just a case of people focusing on the negative but that is so far from right. People just don’t get how it feels to be high or low and when they talk of some physical ailment that they have I usually tell them to focus on the positive and it’ll go away, they usually either get my point or they get grumpy, either way I don’t mind. So I’m feeling how I assume it feels to be either fully normal or slightly enlightened. Either way it feels pretty good. Long may it last , in fact I’m cool with it however it goes because I’m cool with myself and being me.
Obviously I’m wondering what has helped me to feel like this because if it fades or goes I want to be able to focus on bringing it back.
It’s Sunday, obviously, and I’m tired as usual. I’ve just finished reading ‘Diary of a bipolar’ which is a pretty good book on kindle. I enjoyed the guys highs and low points and how he explained his feelings. It’s pretty easy to relate to things when others write them. I was especially interested in how he felt if he threw his rhythms out, I can really relate to that. I’ve only just started getting back into my own and I’ve seriously needed to.
Today my son is having one of those days where he’s doing everything he can go upset his sister and us. I try to understand his feelings but it tends to happen when his mum or I are worn out, quite often both of us. I know people we assume it’s because we are tired that we notice it more but we are very conscious of this and allow for it too. Maybe he picks up on our sensitivity. I really don’t know.
We camped in the garden last night as we had left the tent up since weeks back. Usually I get chilly but last night I was almost too warm! Other than feeling pretty tired I’m feeling ok. I’m not high or especially low. I think I’ve used up my high section up for a short while now! I’ve decided that I need to keep a better balance over myself and my workload and to keep on top of my pricing too. Hopefully it’ll ease any work pressures. I also started working out again yesterday after about a 7 week lay off. I’m down by 11 lbs body weight but that shod soon go back on. I’m also not going to have such lofty aims with working out, and life to to a degree, because it’s easy to get disheartened or to expect too much from myself. Doing this should help to ease stress that I place upon myself. I hope so anyway. Life’s too stressful mostly and too short to get my knickers in a knot too often.
I’ve been thinking about the best ways advance humanity and maybe the best way is to advance the self first. Is humanity ready for advancement? I don’t mean technological breakthrough either, I mean humankind and it’s own advancement. How can I make the difference? Not only my own difference but to humanity too? I think that as we all evolve ourselves we help to make small differences. Meditation is the key. Pure meditation in its truest form, not little mind tricks and trips, they just distract from the real pure meditation of no mind. It’s easy to do so called guided trips or meditations but all they truly are is ego feeding. Feeding the ego and tricking it into believing it’s doing a higher good. Don’t get caught in that trap. It’s a nice little ride but it won’t advance you further along the road of Adepthood or enlightenment. So learn pure meditation and help advance humanity into the next level of consciousness. Be your best, truest self. Learn real pure focus not mind tricking techniques. Let’s advance mankind together.