Everything is getting too LOUD! I need complete silence. The wind’s too noisy, voices are too noisy, people are crazing me, even my thoughts are noisy. It can all fuck off. 

Why is it that people talk so much about the past?  Things they’ve done or things they remember.  Does it give them a sense of identity?  Are we all made from past memories? When will we move forwards and escape from this ? If we are formed from the past like this then surely at some point there is reason to break free and move onwards or forwards ? Why keep going on about these things? Strange. 

I think it’s time to have some mental space. People wear me down. I feel like I have to constantly perform , to be what they think I am, what they project onto me. I’m not that person. I’m me. It’s a shame they don’t want to know who I am really.  It’s all so false.  A falsehood of reality. I guess most people don’t realise that they’re acting at being themselves , portraying a toke that’s not real, pretending to be the version of themselves that others who act too project onto them. I’m tired of it all. Tired of all the falseness. 

It’s a rainy, wet Sunday here today. I’m pretty relaxed though, which is good. I had a moment earlier though where I felt myself tensing up. We have family here and we were all talking about things and I started feeling pretty tense. My shoulders and neck were very tense and I felt myself absorbing into a cluttered mind state. It took a little bit of time to be able to unwind and become more present. At least I’m becoming much more aware of when I’m not present and can bring myself back around. I’ve noticed if I’m meditating and I close my eyes and my mind wanders my higher self steps in and tells me to open my eyes or brings me around again. I usually meditate with my eyes open using a Tibetan technique. I live the state of no mind. 

I think today I’ll need to be aware of myself much more so that I don’t slip into lower consciousness. I’ll have to keep a check on myself as I’m tired and don’t want to be rude or irritable.  It’s easy to slip, especially when tired. Anyway I guess practice makes perfect. 

8 1/2 hours work on a Saturday is far too much. Why do I do it?  I guess it’s because I’m way behind at work and I’m trying to keep customers happy. It’s seriously tiring me out though! I’m shattered. I have it in mind to get a day or so off next week if it’s too wet to do anything though. I doubt that will happen though. If it rains there will be something to do I’m sure!

Today I’ve felt like giving up mostly. Although I never do. I keep going. I don’t think I know another way other than to blindly keep going. Well that’s unless I die or kill myself. Then it would end. It would stop. I don’t think I’ll do that though. If I did I wouldn’t write about it either. Well I guess I wouldn’t be able to! 

I’m hoping to meet a few guys who might be able to offer some good financial advice to me. I’m tired of constantly chasing money and getting nowhere. Well I used to be getting somewhere a few years back. I’m going to get back to that level again. I’ve already started. 

Do I punish myself? I think I do. I do it far too much. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be comfortable in life.  I want to build my retreat so I need some capital. 

The weeks seem to fly by but it’s all good. 

I’ve been yoyoing a fair bit the last few days several times per day. It’s not been great but I’ve kept it to myself a fair bit. Sometimes it’s best not to go on about things too much. On my way back from working in Norwich today I nearly pulled over to get out of the van and just lay down at the side of the road. I just felt like laying down and letting everything just pass me by. I didn’t though because I had to go and fence an area off at another job to make it safe. I was frustrated on both counts. Frustrated at wanting to just lay down and give up for a while and also frustrated at being so loyal to my customers and not just being able to just pull over and lay down. 

I guess life is what it is and I always do what needs to be done. Maybe one day I will just give up and go and be a hermit. Maybe I need to be a hermit. People really do craze me. They drive me insane and around the bend. Oh well at least I’m feeling my own version of normal now.  Well at least until the next time. 

Today has been really productive. Ive done the work of at least 2 people today and maybe a day and a quarter too. It’s good to get that much done, but if I’m honest it’s really taken its toll on me physically and mentally. Most of today I’ve felt like I am on the edge of the precipice waiting to just fall backwards into it whilst laying back and relaxing into it. I’m pretty sure I’ve been on a high for at least 5-6 weeks now. I fear the drop off. I fear it mentally and physically. I’ve had a cough, which is only just lingering, for about 6 weeks too. I’m still producing phlegm sometimes when I cough. I’ll live though, I always do. It’s been ages since I last died although over the last few weeks I’ve wished for it several times. Anyway I’m not going anywhere yet. I’ve lots to accomplish. 

I need to figure out what I do next business wise and life too. If I didn’t have to work I most certainly wouldn’t. There’s so much more to life than work. I’ve also noticed today my gums are sore. I think I’m getting run down. I’m pretty concerned about my wife and her health too. She went to the doctors yesterday and he sent her straight to hospital for a blood test. She’s feeling worn out and in pain. 

I’m still trying to be as present as I can but today I failed miserably until just now. Maybe I should become a spiritual guru with lots of followers and a big mansion type retreat all paid for by my followers of course, then I can be really present! Maybe not though. Onwards and upwards. 

I’m really tired with a big workload still to get through but I’m starting to see the woods for the trees now.  

Last night I struggled to get to sleep straight away as I was a bit stressed and my body temperature went up a bit. This usually happens when I’m stressed.  

Today I know what needs to get done but I’ve a few options as to what to do. I guess I’ll just get stuck in and crack on as usual. 

Days seem to be merging into each other at the moment. It’s a case of get up, wake up properly, eat breakfast and go to work, finish up to 12 hours later and then try to unwind a little, eat, bathe then go to bed …repeat.  I’m sure it’ll get better pretty soon though so I’m not as worried about it all as I was 5 weeks or so ago. At least I’m still smiling most of the time now! 

I’ve almost caught up on my paperwork too except from pricing. 

I’m so busy at the minute I’m not sure I’ve had time to think about how I feel except from tired..  I have been pretty present though since deleting my Facebook account. I’m much happier for it too. Being present and being happy are 2 pretty important things in life so it’s all good. 

I had one of those conversations today. Where I’m working one of the plumbers watched me run over a ply hopper which is set at 45 degrees and then asked if I’m Buddhist because of my haircut and nimbleness. He was not overly surprised to hear that I pretty much am. The conversation the started about esoteric’s , magic, paganism, Qigong , Taoism, homeopathy, acupuncture etc etc which was really fantastic. His work colleague, who I thought must think we’re nuts, then started to tell us about some healing he had had! Good afternoons chat indeed. Not your usual building site banter!

Today is the first day I’m actually back working alone officially.  It’s a relief in lots of ways and I can finally work out exactly what I’m doing again, properly. No more babysitting. No more bad mistakes. No more things getting broken through poor judgement or carelessness. No more of me having to rush my arse off trying to do the work of another as well. Just relief.  I still have lots of work to catch up on though which will be a headache. I also think I might loose a little work too but I guess everything will be what it is. 

I’m feeling pretty relaxed and pretty positive about the week ahead now. I’ve been quite present today and being present helps me lots. I might go outside and skip in a little while but possibly not because I don’t want to speed myself up too much this late in the day. The thought about skipping has made me realise I’m nearly ready to start working out again soon. Maybe tomorrow or Tuesday I will start again seeing as I’m pretty much back to full health now. Also I think the exercise will do me good too. Exercise is always good. Now I’m back to working alone I’ve realised I can just get on with things and not have to constantly try to get someone else working hard. I can challenge myself completely again. If I’m slow it’s because I’m slow not because I’m getting slowed down. All is good again.