Life is crazy, so very crazy. Sometimes I think I know myself and at other times I’m completely lost. 

Today I’m tired. I’m a bit grumpy too. Most of last week I was late to bed because I had energy. I’m still feeling good but just a little tired. I’m conscious that I’m feeling good and I’m questioning if I do have mental health issues at all.  Maybe I don’t and maybe I just over think and let things get on top of me too much.

I’m back practicing some ritual too. It’ll be a long process but it’ll be good.

I’ve had lots of headaches this week too. Possibly because of atmospheric pressure but possibly because my brain aches and I’m tired. I’ve certainly had energy. Maybe that’s caused the headaches.

Back to ritual. I’m doing workings to invoke my Holy Guardian Angel. It’s something I started years ago and got quite far with. I also started to cross the Abyss too but fell foul of Choronzon and although I thought I’d finished the works I don’t think I did, certainly not properly. That’s why I’ve had to go back to them and possibly why my head hasn’t been right either, because of not completing the works. Anyway, regardless of that, they need to be completed. I can also see how they’re connected to the higher Buddhist workings I’ve been practicing on and off. I’m going to get myself fully back on track with things. 

Today I’m feeling a bit human. I woke before 6 and didn’t go to bed until about 11. Usually I need more sleep than this. I’m feeling better anyway. The last few days were tiring in all ways. It’s good to be feeling a bit ok. I’m still forgetting lots of things and need more focus but that’s ok. It will come. 

I’m feeling all over the place. I’m feeling hot internally too. I think I’m a bit mixed. I’m anxious and full of energy too. Not sure what else to say. 

My head has been fuzzy lately and I seem to be struggling with my memory which is unusual. I’ve also been struggling with staying at work. Yesterday morning I nearly came home at 10am because I felt odd and my head was pounding. I don’t know why. I had a headache on Monday as well. My thinking is really muddled and my concentration seems shot most of the time. I struggled to do a simple sum earlier this week. I was completely vague which is very unlike me. I’m feeling like my brain has had overload. It’s strange. I can’t explain it fully. I’m writing this for me but who am I or what am I writing for ? I know I’m trying to keep a log of things but I don’t read back through anymore. I seem to of got addicted to a forum and I need, for my own sake, to take a huge step back. I’m fearful that being on there isn’t helping me with my mind. I always seem to get addicted to things. I can see cycles of my behaviour over weeks, months and years but every time I think I’ve broken the pattern I seem to find myself back in it! Is this all just a huge game? Am I just a character in a computer game and I only have set parameters that I can work within? It is starting to feel that way. I’m getting really tired of the mental pain and I’m struggling to see a way out. I’m tired of feeling this way, tired of these feelings, if you can call them feelings. I need balance in my life but I seem to fuck up any balance I have when I feel balanced. Oh and I just swore then. I do swear. Often. Why haven’t I sworn before? I’m writing this for me so fuck it. I’ll swear if I feel I need to. I know it doesn’t help in articulating how I feel but sometimes it helps to say fuck it. I even bought a book called ‘fuck it’ about a relaxed way of spirituality. Maybe I need to contact them or read it again. I hope I don’t offer them advice. I’ve contacted NASA before to point them in the right direction with interstellar space travel but they didn’t respond. I guess they thought I was a nutter.  Maybe they’ve just missed out on learning some stuff. Their loss. I even contacted David Icke once to try pointing him in the right direction, away from his negative views. People should listen to me. I’m not as nutty as they think. Maybe I’m almost a genius at times. I don’t know. 

anxious. Not at my best.

Why is it that my concentration fluid out of the window so easily? How come I focus so well for a few weeks or months and get on too but then I loose that focus? It’s time to get that focus back fully. It tears me to pieces to get in such a mental muddle. How and when did this happen? I’m not sure but I need to cure it that’s for sure. 

It’s Monday morning again and I only have the tiniest bit of anxiety. I’ve been awake since just before 6 so I know I’m getting back to my normal daily rhythms. I’m feeling quite rested too which is good. It’s a wet start to the day today but I’m working indoors so that’s ok. I’d better get started with the day and take it from there.  

I got up at 6:15 with my son this morning. I really did t want to but I knew I needed to. I did go back to bed to read and meditate and had a very brief nap around 9:30. I’m feeling a bit better in myself now too. My sleep had been pretty disturbed by having bad dreams and yesterday I thought I was headed into depression, I may still head a bit down, but I don’t think I am today. I’m feeling a bit more human. Life is a little brighter now too. I hope that I’m levelling off. I enjoy the highs but coming down is tricky.

I’m looking into my own method of balancing myself. I guess if it doesn’t work I’ve list nothing. I certainly need to start working out properly again as that did balance me out really well until I got a cough and also had to do long working weeks. Onwards and upwards. 

I thought I’d already written today. I’ve not though. My memory is all over the place. I’m behind on pricing too. I’m tired. I’m cold. I’m worn out. At least I’m feeling something I guess. I’m trying to lift myself up but I’ve slipped. I’m hanging over the edge of the abyss barely clinging on by my finger nails and I’m loosing grip. I can’t see the bottom either because it’s a deep dark hole. I’ve not got a parachute on either so if I fall I fall right down. Nothing makes sense right now. My memory is bad at the moment too. My ears are ringing. I’ve said to my wife that we should possibly go out for a walk later because it can lift me afterwards but I really can’t be bothered. I’ve taken St Johns Wort last night and this morning. Hopefully it’ll help lift me up a bit, but I don’t want to get high as much as I love being high. I just want to be level. 

I wish I could scream and shout. Externally I can seem calm and relaxed but I side I feel like shouting, screaming and telling everyone how I see it. Why can’t we do it? Why is it such a taboo? Why do I wear a mask often if not all of the time? Why do I have so many fears? Why ?

I’m tired of it all. It’s too tiring. I need lots of rest. I want to go to sleep for a long while. I want to do things too. I’m too overwrought with it all it’s all too much. I’ve had enough. Enough is enough.

Yesterday and today I’ve had a kind of meltdown. On the outside, to most, I probably didn’t or don’t seem much different at all. I guess that’s just the nature of the beast. I’m feeling mixed that’s for sure. Maybe I’m on the edge of the precipice looking down instead of up. Maybe I’m heading down.