My head has been too busy lately. Too often I let others get inside. It’s crowded enough with just myself in here. I’ve thought about a way out but I’ll not take that path yet, if ever. Where do I go from here? Stability is a very fine balancing act. I’ve had so much rage and anger inside lately it’s chewed away at me. Maybe it’s part of the reason I’ve been so tired. It all takes its toll on me. I’m hoping to see things more clearly soon. Life can be such a delicate and fine balancing act for me. I’m on Facebook less. It’s better for my brain. I sometimes wish I was dumb or less intelligent if I’m intelligent at all that is. Sometimes it’s so hard to see the good in myself orin the things I do. It will pass. It has to.
So much I could say. So much has gotten to me lately. I’m constantly tired. I’m sleeping 7-8 hours at night plus 1-3 hours late afternoon. Tired. Work is ok. I’m pushing through. I’m getting things done. I’m still fighting for my future. I’m not sure what future that is or how long it will last or be. Who knows. I think I’m destined to die young but hope I get old. It’s all confusing. I’m too unsettled and indecisive. Maybe I really do need to up my dose of meds. I don’t know. I’ll maybe keep riding it out for now. Bipolar is killing me.
Yet again I’m having to think through my life and yet again reassess everything. How far have I come and how far can I go? Have I got a grip on how bipolar affects me or do I trick myself? So many things come up. I remember the very first time I went to see a doctor about my mental health, she didn’t take me very seriously, and she told me it was “possibly cyclothymia. You wouldn’t want bipolar as the drugs are horrible” etc etc and how she explained how much worse it is than cyclothymia. I kind of felt relieved but over time I got scared when reading up on things. I read that cyclothymia can progress into bipolar. It scared me to think what I was going through could end up much much worse. After seeing another doctor at a much later date, having reached breaking point again, and getting referred to mh services on a kind of emergency “need to be seen within a week” appointment and seeing a cpn and then a few weeks later seeing a psychiatrist and getting a diagnosis of bipolar 1 I walked out and laughed. I was very mentally unwell but the laughter was relief. I knew straight away that the mental pain, anguish and torture weren’t going to get worse. It was bipolar not cyclothymia. I felt huge relief in being told that. So here I am again contemplating so much about my life and living with what is termed a serious mental illness. I still want to break the barriers down. I’m now thinking I’ll keep as I am, for now, instead of upping the meds again and work through it and not just ride it out. There’s so much I can learn about myself even from the huge rage I have inside. Masking it over will never help me. It will still be there. Only in working with and through it will I understand myself even more. I need to work towards the ‘not giving a fuck’ lifestyle I’ve tried to reach for so long and which a friend told me only the other day to live like. Cheers CP. I’m going to once again embrace the madness and face it fully.
Reflecting on my past life and it doesn’t have much time
‘Cause at 5 o’clock they take me to the Gallows Pole
The sands of time for me are running lowRunning lowWhen the priest comes to read me the last rites
I take a look through the bars at the last sights
Of a world that has gone very wrong for meCan it be that there’s some sort of an error
Hard to stop the surmounting terror
Is it really the end, not some crazy dream?
Somebody please tell me that I’m dreaming
It’s not easy to stop from screaming
But words escape me when I try to speak
Tears flow but why am I crying?
After all I am not afraid of dying
Don’t I believe that there never is an end?
As the guards march me out to the courtyard
Somebody cries from a cell “God be with you”
If there’s a God then why has he let me go?
As I walk all my life drifts before me
And though the end is near I’m not sorry
Catch my soul ’cause it’s willing to fly away
Mark my words believe my soul lives on
Don’t worry now that I have gone
I’ve gone beyond to see the truth
When you know that your time is close at hand
Maybe then you’ll begin to understand
Life down here is just a strange illusion
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hallowed be Thy name
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Hallowed be Thy name
I’ve been meditating a bit again. This morning I’ve meditated about 15 minutes. What I saw was that I constantly put up obstacles to hinder myself. I’ve seen how others are out to fuck me over too and I find it so funny that those who are of lower intelligence think they’re smart and clever yet they’re only fooling themselves. I don’t subscribe to religion but there’s a saying that rings true ‘let he who is without sin cast the first stone’ How true this is. Such small mindedness most have. I will rise above it. I don’t live a life of gossip. Again that’s small minded. People need to keep their noses out because vengeance will hit them. I rise above. Stupid ignorant pigs. My mind is busy. Do I let it flow or stem the flow? That’s the 60 million dollar question. Stem it and it’s mundaneness that reigns. Let it flow and madness comes with the genius. Cross me and fury will flow freely. Maybe even violence. Ah violence. It’s pure isn’t it. It’s raw. Animalistic. Instinctual. We’re just animals really. Don’t cast your stones against me. I hold large rocks and stand on high. Let the world burn.
Life has been, and continues to be, stressful. It’s an ongoing circle. I’m becoming and I am a person I don’t like. I can’t seem to find a way to break the cyclical things that come up. Each time I think I’ve got a grip they kick me harder. I’m considering doing LSD as I’ve heard it can completely cut out depression. I’m also thinking of upping my meds to what they were before. I spoke with my wife about it last night. She said I’m edgy and it’s like walking on eggshells around me. I’m wondering if I’m slipping into a mixed episode. I’m full on at work but I’m also getting completely worn out and at times crashing as soon as I’m home. Several days last week and the weekend I’ve had to sleep during the day or after work. It’s like a switch. Lights out. Last week would of been my mums birthday, dates are always a trigger. I’m at a loss as to how to get a handle on this. Am I just overthinking life and situation or am I getting unwell. The uncertainty is the unknown and I’m discombobulated. The ringing is loud in my ears. Hay fever is harsh. I’m disinterested in fishing, casting, food growing and often work. I want to become a hermit. I’ve considered running away but that’s not fair on my family. Suicide wouldn’t be fair either and as crazy as it sounds I made a promise to a friend not to try again and I’m trying to stick to it. People have been talking utter bollocks about me and it’s thrown me badly. I try fucking hard to be a good person. Really hard. Maybe some life decisions will be made soon. I really don’t know much these days.
I feel like the older I get the more I’m becoming my parents. I don’t like it. It feels like I have no control over it. Their worst traits are in me. I’ve tried to break this chain but it’s happening. I’ve used ritual magic and meditation. It’s not worked. It’s an ongoing onslaught. When will it end. Will it end other than at death? I have to fight it. I must fight it. However if there’s no escaping it is the fight futile? My brains too mashed to think properly. Hey ho.
I’m tired. Nothing new there. People talking shit do my head in. They can fuck off. I’ll find them. Small minded pettiness gets on my tits. I’ll rise above it all. Break down the gates and doors. Shatter and smash crash. Fool hardy. My brain is speeding up. I’ll buckle up. A storm is coming. Be prepared.
I’m seriously frustrated. Everything is frustrating me. I work stupid hard but am never out of my personal or business overdraft. I can’t clear debts that I have. They seem to be taking forever to diminish. We still don’t have a boiler that works or hot running water (it’s been 3 years now). My life is sexless and has been for far too many years. I’m always tired. I’m always putting on my ‘face’. I’m always trying to figure out how to work more and earn more. It sucks. It’s shit. Fuck it all. Fuck off.
Sometimes I think I’m just an arsehole. I guess that’s not always true. The internal dialogue tells me all manner of things but often it’s that I’m no good and that I’m a horrible person. I guess it’s wrong. I guess that sometimes there is a decent human being in here somewhere. It’s all a fight. There’s no permanent winning. There’s also no permanent losing either. It’s just that theres no balance for me or certainly not often. I guess I’m getting more reflective as I’m getting older. Who knows. At least today I’m not an arsehole. Well not fully.