On Friday I go in for a minor operation but slight paranoia has crept in and made me wonder what happens if I die. Allvety strange to be having these thoughts. Maybe natural? Who knows. It’s been a long while since being a bit paranoid or thinking about death. Maybe it’s the time of year. I’m not sure. My dreams have been darker lately too and I’ve woken from them. I had a slight high yesterday probably triggered by my birthday and thoughts of the op. Today is more settled. I’m sure I’ll be fine.
Its my birthday! I’m 44. I never thought I’d get this far.
Yet again I have deactivated my Facebook account. I’ve found myself getting far too involved, obsessed even, with it yet again. I’ve found myself writing out long comments and long replies to others posts and then deleting them before posting them. I’ve found myself frustrated at some peoples judgements and ignorance. I’ve found myself starting to argue with others again too. So I’m off for now. I’m much more productive at work again and I’m mentally more settled. I’ve popped on for a very quick look only to delete myself almost straight away again. I’m better off not being on there for now.
Fynn and I are still working out hard and I’m weighing a few pounds over 15 stone. My arms are back up to 17″ again and I’m close to being at my biggest again, about 7 pounds in weight to go, but I’m leaner this time too. I want to be in tip top shape so I recover from my operation fast. It’s 2 weeks tomorrow I go in….unless they cancel again. Mentally I’m not stressed about it as I got that out of my system when I thought I was going in before. Oh well it’ll happen if and when it happens.
Life can flash by so fast. We can make plans and try our hardest. We can keep pushing. We can give up. We can break contact with friends for various reasons even if we want to keep in touch. We can gain new friends. We can get unwell both physically and mentally. We can have fantastic health. It can all stop or end in the briefest of moments. Life can stop. When things get tough we can choose to keep pushing ourselves along even if it’s a simple thing normally like making a cup of tea or getting out of bed. Sometimes I find it hard to even get out of bed but I always do. Even if I don’t do a full days work I always try to go in in the morning first thing. By 10-10:30 I find things can seem to get a bit better. Whatever is going on life it can get better. You just have to be kind to yourself.
I’m lucky. I’m well at the moment and things are pretty ok.
I’ve been working out for a few months again now. Fynn and I train together. I love that we do so much together. I wish my dad had of done stuff with me. Looking back I know he was tired but also maybe a bit selfish? It’s hard to know. I guess I wasn’t the easiest of teenage sons. I can’t ask any questions about it all as there’s nobody to answer them. Anyway Fynn and I are off fishing later. We’ve not fished mich lately. We’ve taken this week off working out too to give our bodies a rest and to grow. I’m back up to 15 stone now and getting bigger and stronger again. Which brings me to the benefits of working out. Keeping in shape helps me to keep my mind sharp and to hopefully stave off any issues that could crop up with my mind and my mental health.
As is usual this time of year I’m feeling the start of winter blues. If that’s all it is then I can fight it off but if depression kicks in I’ll have to formulate a new plan. I’ve not worked loads the last 2 weeks as I was due to go in for an operation on the 12th but it got canceled at 3pm the day before. It’s played with my mind and my work a bit as I’d taken 2 weeks off for recovery and have had to try to slot things in pretty quickly at short notice. Not earning has thrown me a fair bit. Next week I’m back to full days and weeks again until my op which is now booked in for the 23rd of November, a few days after my birthday. It’s made money tight, which also causes issues. I have no option but to just go with it. So much seems to just happen these days. Sometimes I feel like escaping from it all but I have to just stick with it. It’ll come right in the end. It is what it is
I’m tired and I’m low on energy. Some of it is down to bipolar, some of it is down to having to work my tits off yet again just trying to stay afloat and some of it is down to my gallstone. Today I’ve had slight rumblings in my right side caused by the gallstone. All of the above play on each other. I’ve popped in to do some work after finishing work, yes it doesn’t make that much sense really but it does too. I’m broke in all ways. I will recover again yet I’m sure. I’m fighting hard to just stay afloat but also to get slightly ahead as I’ve got a date for the operation to remove my gallbladder. I’m in to be operated on on 12th October. Part of my brain is telling me I’ll die in the op. The other part, the rational part, is telling me it’s just a normal procedure and everything will be fine. My paranoia is playing up with me over it. It’s something I’ll just have to live with. If it’s straight forwards keyhole surgery I’ll be off work for 2 weeks. If they have to switch to open surgery, highly unlikely, I’ll be off work for up to 10 weeks. 2 weeks off I can almost survive financially. Almost. Up to 10 weeks and we’re fucked. Stress rises inside. I’m still working out with Fynn and regaining muscle and strength and it should help with recovery. Regardless my mood isn’t the best it could be.
Every year is like an extended Groundhog Day. Things come along and hit around the same time every year. I fight hard. I fight to keep afloat but it always happens. I’m in debt again. My plans to have money in my personal and business accounts by now have failed. I’ve worked as hard as ever but to no avail. I fight and fight but always hit a stumbling block. I push and push and make myself unwell just to keep my head above water but it’s failing. Maybe there is a God and maybe I’m being punished. I’ve been punished my whole life so why should things change now. I’m not a nice person no matter how hard I try to be decent and kind. I’m tired of this bipolarity and see that it will only get worse as I get older. I see it every year. I try to keep going and keep balanced yet I get pushed and pulled from all sides. There is no respite. I can see when things started to go wrong but there’s no way of going back in time. It is what it is. I have no choice now other than to keep going and work stupid hours. I know I’ll get tired. I know that it will affect my mental health again and I know I’ll probably break. Maybe I should just embrace the craziness of it all and let it flow. I have to work lots just to get the money in fast because I have an operation on 12th October so will be off work for at least 2 weeks. I’m not sure I’ll be ahead by then though. It’s all a huge mess.
I think I have to face the fact that no matter how hard I work I will always be in debt. I had plans laid out at the end of last year to be well ahead by now yet it’s the opposite. I’m not ahead. I’m £6 off the limit of my £10k business overdraft. It’s not the first time it’s been like this and I know I’ll claw my way back again and get money in but it’s endless. It’s constant. No matter how hard or long I work something always comes along that costs me money just as things look better. It’s not my attitude to things as I always keep going and pushing. I always try to keep smiling and try to outwardly just be what others think they see. Inside it’s often a different story. The whole idea of wurking hard gets you ahead is bollocks. It’s a rigged system. It’s rigged to keep poor people poor, to keep those who are just about comfortably off in debt enough to keep pushing but mostly it’s about making the rich even richer. It’s rigged that way. With as hard as you want but you’ll still get had somewhere. Regardless I’ll keep going and keep pushing. I have no other choice. I’ll die young from some illness brought on by stress and debt. People will say I worked hard or too hard. They’ll say this and that. They’ll project their owns fears outwards. The truth is most of us are over our heads but we fool ourselves into thinking, or saying, that we’re better off than this or that person. We do it to keep ourselves sane/insane and to keep going instead of folding and realising the truth. It all sucks donkeys. Fuck it all is what I say.
Today has started wet. It will dry out around mid day. I’ve 2 inside jobs I could of gone too but instead I decided to be very sensible, instead of just chasing the wage, and take a few hours out. I’ve been unwell with a nasty stomach virus and having got over it I’ve been back to work and it’s been hot. Far too often I get caught up in just working lots trying to get head with money. It’s quite crazy to do this as it can be very detrimental to my health in all respects and I end up getting unwell mentally and or physically. As I get older I’m noting it more and acting upon it sooner. By doing this I can stop it lasting so long and with mental unwellness it can often stop what could be the start of a big episode. It’s taken a long while to get to this stage of being able to recognise these things early enough. Often these things can creep up on me. What I have noticed is when they start to I don’t double question the little things, as that in itself can start them, very much these days. I’ve found that using logic where possible helps this enormously.
I’ve noticed that most of the time my year seems to go in a circle but with each passing year I can tweak it and ease the bad bits out. Yet again I’m almost up to the hilt of my £10k business overdraft, I’ve £6 available, towards the end of August. This happens most years and last year was no exception. The end of December last year saw the business account with just under £10k in it. That’s a huge turnaround and I’ve noticed my thinking has again switched to business and getting ahead with money, as it usually does this time of year. This year however I’m not only going to replicate it I’m going to keep onto that money instead of it dissipating. What I won’t do however is half kill myself doing it. That only leads to a crash in mental and physical energy for the first few months of the new year. I will formulate a plan to take more short breaks from work to refresh myself. Earlier this year Fynn and I did fish a lot and it made a huge difference although it did cut into my bank balance. You can’t buy those memories though and it’s worth it.
Life is a strange thing. It feels like it goes in circles. Yet again I’m penniless. It’s always this time of year. It always affects my mind badly and can cause untold stress. I’m off Facebook yet again, often this time of year I come off, and I’m having less contact with friends. In fact I have very little contact with friends these days. Some friends I’d love to hear from but I don’t. I even wonder if one friend has blocked me but hey ho. That’s life I guess. Maybe they’ll make contact when they’re ready. Who knows. I often miss chatting.
Work is busy as always and I need to really get motivated and get major money in yet again. It’ll happen. I always make it happen. I have a way of digging deep when I need to and a way of getting what I want when I focus on it.
Fynn and I haven’t fished much lately as there aren’t many fish about and there’s been too much seaweed close in. The last decent fish I caught was the Tope which is a shark. Instead of fishing we are doing distance casting in a field and we’ve done a few tournaments already. It’s a very strange sport that’s for sure. At least it’s giving me some focus outside of work. On the whole I’m OK but I’m still getting blips. Hey ho. That’s life.