The past constantly crops up for me. Childhood led to the bipolar and complex ptsd. Things get weird. Thoughts run free beyond. Tiredness envelops waking wonder. Glory. Consciously unconscious.
I’m keeping myself busy with life. Work is busy. Growing food keeps me busy. Fishing is keeping me busy. I think I’ve been mentally avoiding so much. One thing I’ve avoided is that the 11th July was my mums birthday or would of been if she were alive. Death. It comes to us all and most of us will ever know when it’s coming. Some choose when though. I ran out of coffee a week or more ago, I’ve got some again now though, and I take the minimal amount of Lamotrigine that I’m on when I have coffee in the mornings. A few times and for a few days I forgot to take it as I’d not drank coffee. The coffee serves as a reminder of it too. Anyway I think I could come off the meds anyhow. I’m not sure I need them now as I cope well with most things in life even though it’s often getting by by the skin of my teeth. So am I avoiding shit or am I just living life? What a fucking quandary. I’ll go with a bit of both and a side order of garlic bread. It is what it is. The only person I run from is myself.
I’m not feeling too motivated and not feeling like I can be arsed with much. Work is busy but mixed at the minute. One job I’ve been doing have asked me to do more pretty much straight away. I agreed and rearranged work accordingly but now I’m not sure if everything will be here tomorrow and if not I can’t get on. I’ll take a few days off. I can’t be arsed either way.
I had a drink Saturday night. It’s affected me and I feel crap. I feel depressed or the start of it. Stupidly I drank last night too. Drink hits me a few days later and affects my mental health. I’ll feel really shit later in the week once last night hits too. I’m stupid. I know it affects me. Self punishment. Again.
Earlier I felt like I was breaking. Maybe I am. My plans from late last year have gone to shit. I’m still in my business overdraft. I’m still in my personal overdraft. It sucks. The harder I work the worse it seems. I think I’m still broken from a couple of years ago and that shit still fucks me up. Shit doesn’t go away for me. I guess it does for others. Lucky fuckers.
I’m tired a lot lately and I’m sleeping lots. I had a short bout of depression, it’s lingering a bit, recently too. The last couple of mornings I’ve woken up with some pain in my chest but that could just be linked to hayfever but I’m not sure. My neighbour is being a bit of a dick. The other day he cut part of our hedge out the front. It’s not over his side. It’s the road side. It’s where there’s a foot path. A path nobody uses and it hung over about 3-4″. What a dickhead. He didn’t even cut it all. Then yesterday morning he took traffic cones from his front drive, yes he puts cones across his drive…., and put them outside his daughters, who lives the other side of us, in the road so it was awkward to get out of our drive. They were in the road. What a bellend. It’s at times like these I think I’d to move but we like it here on the whole and one day he will be dead. When he pisses me off I wish it would happen sooner and yes I know that sounds nasty but he’s not a nice person at all. In fact he’s a racist, sexist homophobic prick. I’m always polite to him though and try to kill him with kindness. I’ve no idea what has gone on in his life when he was younger.
I’ve been dwelling a lot on my dad and how he died. Mostly I’ve thought about the last week of his life. I’m not sure why either. I guess it’s how my brain works in that when something gets on top of me everything else my brain can throw at me to beat me up mentally it does. I question it now though and I also mostly change thought patterns.
I’m still awaiting a date for my operation and maybe this also is playing on my mind. Something that has struck me lately is that I don’t have friends anymore. None. I do have my close family that I love but that’s different. I guess I’ve isolated myself from old friends and all of the bullshit that comes with it. I guess I’m tired of average too so live quite isolated in that respect. I know lots of people but keep distance. Maybe it’s a safety mechanism. In fact I’m sure it is along with self punishment and also not wanting them in my head or their complications.
I’ve got a virus. I feel really crap. It’s affecting my mind and I’m paranoid and playing out scenarios in my head about countless things. Death has sprung up in my thoughts. Death of friends and family. My body aches. My head is clouded as is my mind. I’m bunged up. I’m sure I’ve pissed people off as is often the case. I’m able to question the thoughts and my thinking process a bit and also a bit of the paranoia. I’m hoping it’s just the virus as it’s coulding my thinking, my thoughts and my actions. My ears are ringing and I had hot and cold sweats in bed last night. I’m dazed. I think some things I’ve said aren’t quite right but such is life. I’m constantly over analysing myself. I’ll light a fire and do nothing shortly. I’m having a drink tonight too. Maybe I’ll drink to lost friends. Life goes by so fast.
It’s 3 years to the day that my dad died. I’ve been aware of it but I’ve kind of been trying to keepvery occupied and busy. Today I’m veryaware if it. I made a slight error this morning too. Partly because I’m tired but also because I’m highly aware of today’s date. I’ve had exceptional energy again the last 2 weeks and my sleep hasn’t been 8 hours every night. In fact I’m functioning very well on 5-6 at the minute but I’m aware that I need to bring it back in line. I will.
It’s taken some time to be who I am. To accept myself as I am. Yet I still strive towards bettering myself. Things still get to me. Things still raise emotions in me. I still react to certain stimuli and certain people/things. I’m honest with myself. I know most of my flaws. And there are many. I’m hard on myself. I’m hard on others, but less so. I punish myself. I push myself. I love hard. I play hard. I don’t suffer fools easily yet I play the fool when someone thinks they are deceiving me. I’m gifted with an IQ of 148 yet sometimes can’t remember a fucking thing. Life isn’t very fair. Most people live in a bubble. Most people fool themselves. I don’t want to be most people. I’m happy I’m me. Life is good. Not always but for now it’s good.
It’s been a while since I last posted. Life is good. I’m avoiding triggers still but need to do so less and less as very little triggers me these days. Also I know when to back away and when not to react to things. My sleeping is still good and most things are good. I have however had a few flare ups with biliary colic caused by my gallstone. I’ve seen a surgeon and am awaiting a date for an operation. It’s shown me how far I have come and how I don’t get too much paranoia these days either. A year or more ago, certainly two, I would of been paranoid that this was part of a ‘plan’ to keep me unwell and to kill me or maybe harvest organs while under anaesthetic. I have no fears like that whatsoever. I would also of feared any needles near me. I over came that when I had a blood test early last year and also when the paramedic did a blood sugar test on me. I have had to take a good dose of codeine a few times to handle the pain but that’s ok and mostly it’s not much of an issue.
I’m sure I’ll never be ‘cured’ but that’s ok too. I don’t want to loose some of the ‘crazy’ because I like it but the worst of it can stay away. All in all life is good, for now, and I don’t fear anything. Death is just a doorway anyway.
Is it worth the effort to simply keep pushing and keep going in a world that is pitted against us? I feel like the more I try to get ahead or push forwards in life the more it takes out of me. I try to never give up but there must come a point where keeping going simply isn’t worth the effort. Maybe just getting by is all I have left within myself. What really is the point/reason of and for life? We are pitted against a ‘machine’ that just keeps rolling and rolling. It churns away taking our time and our life up. We reach retirement with our best years gone. For what end! I’m tired.
Sometimes the best thing one can do is retreat into oneself. Self defence. I don’t think I’m a people person.