I’m feeling a little mild anxiety this morning. Last night I struggled to relax. I’m not sure if it showed or not. Normally I can unwind quite easily, but last night I had a few things rolling around in my mind. At times I feel like a child who needs someone to make some decisions for them. I think part of my anxiety is because I called my business banking people to switch accounts to trade as a limited company, which was very easy, but it’s taken me a year to get around to making that call. I had so many false panicked reasons in my mind stopping me from doing it, all of which were unfounded and false. Anyway it’s done now, but it has stressed me a little. I guess it’s because it was seen as something completely out of my control. Normally I handle things ok. Normally I’m in full control though, although at times I do like giving up that control. It’s a burden too at times. I guess I fear too many things and then my mind spirals with them, speeding up, playing out various scenarios and working out how to deal with the fake scenarios. It’s not easy. 

I’m hoping to get a job finished today so I can bill the customer. I guess I’m a little anxious about the weather today too. It won’t matter to the customer if the job isn’t finished. It only matters to me and that’s only because I let it matter! I feel crazy sometimes…

I’m on a level again. A reasonably good level. I’m not stressed and I’m pretty relaxed, although I’m never fully relaxed unless I’m off work for a week. That’s quite interesting to note actually isn’t it? When not at work stress levels decrease. How many of us find work, and life in general I guess, stressful?  Why don’t we all learn to relax more at work? Maybe work levels would be better, maybe we could be more productive too! So I guess I now need to work on being much more happier at work, I really enjoy my work as it is, and not feel any stress. Time to take another step up at work then, but a more relaxed one. 

A friend posted a link on Facebook last night of a picture taken from the Hubble space telescope of hundreds of galaxies taken over a 14 hour period using infrared as well as normal light. Stunning. Mind boggling. It certainly put things into perspective for me. Maybe that’s something else I can do, I can keep a better perspective on life. Maybe there’s a good lesson there. I used to look at the heavens before going to sleep to put things in perspective and to feel grateful each day upon waking. I think it’s time to start again.

I’ve woken up pretty anxious this morning. My head is telling me how it’s all a struggle and how I can’t see the end of it. I know it will pass, bit right now I’m struggling. Money worries have crept in again. I know I’m constantly owed money, so I don’t know why I fret about it, but I do when I’m like this. You’d think I would be able to relax because I know it will pass, but I can’t.  As I was logging in to write this I had some slight anger too. Anger at myself and my mind. I thought I’d caught myself before dropping off, but maybe not. I need to let it go. I was going to swear and say f**k it I’ve had enough etcetera, but I honestly believe that would just be feeding it, so I won’t. Maybe I should as that will release it and if I don’t it’ll build up. Maybe I’m over thinking it again. Maybe I’m trying to be the strong one again. 

I need to get a grip and relax. It will be ok. In a month, a week or a day it might not matter. It might not in an hour either. 

That’s life I guess. My life.

I’ve realised I’ve not mentioned a few things lately. Firstly my exercising has progressed from skipping and freeform strength training to bodybuilding which I gave up about 12+ years ago. I’m really enjoying the feeling of working my body with weights and the strength gains. It’s pretty tiring but in a very good way and I’d say its helped to level my moods, just as skipping did too. I’m also keeping a little stricter to my eating too which is helping massively too as I don’t get too much of an energy drop off. I’m certainly starting to feel that keeping rhythms is doing wonders for me and its not as boring as I thought it might be. I’m actually enjoying not yoyoing much at all. I’m missing the highs and the superhuman feelings, but not that much really because I know I crash quickly and struggle with my paranoid thinking. I’ve had maybe 2-3 moments today where I thought I was loosing control but managed to notice just before dropping right off. I’m feeling quite good about that and am pretty aware of it now.

Today is the first day of the working week for me. In the UK it was a bank holiday last Friday and yesterday. I’m feeling pretty calm and ready for work, no anxiety today. I know where we will be working and have known for a week or so, which always helps. I often wonder if a job in a fixed place would suit me better, but then remember how I dislike being in one place too long. I don’t think I Could work for someone else either, not unless they had similar goals in life or business as I do.

Life is such a funny thing really. It’s funny how we get stressed over so many things which minutes, hours, days or weeks later aren’t important at all, let alone years later. Maybe I’m an idealist, but I do honestly believe we can all live far better than we do now. We need to strive to better ourselves and mankind. Money rules too many things, well not money but profit. I wonder what advances would occur if we really put ourselves to task?

Mood and mind wise I’ve been pretty level for a few weeks now with only minor drop offs. I’m hoping that is because I’ve put work in by keeping a diary of my moods and my eating and sleeping, I try to keep to a very regular bedtime and I wake up at a very similar time each day too. I’m keeping a good eye on my tension within my body too. My jaw and fists clench and my neck gets tight when I’m feeling some stress or anger.  I guess it’s all about keeping good circadian rhythms.

It’s funny how we always come back to feelings, rather than logic. I often write about how I feel or have felt.  This morning I’ve had a few doubts creep in to my mind about working out. I’m concerned that it might spread to other thoughts or thinking. I’ve been reading up lots on various forms of working out and I know logically that I’m right and my decision to train how I do is right, but the other part of me seems to be struggling with logic, I guess I’m trying to trip myself up, but this time I won’t allow it. I’m going to be selfish and stubborn and stick to what I know is right. It’s not easy though. I guess working out and this internal dialogue and struggle are a smaller part of all of my inner dialogue and struggles.  Maybe it’s a smaller battle but its one way to reset myself from downward spirals. I guess knowing I’m right is good enough. I just need to be patient and chart all progress with mind and body. 

I’m enjoying the feeling of myself growing again in all respects. I don’t like being stagnant. I’m enjoying the process, the philosophy and the results. I’m still feeling pretty good although I had a couple of moments the last few days, but I caught them quickly because I’d noticed the triggers or warnings. Yesterday I actually managed to let go of something, I don’t know what, but my children got me on a trampoline and I loved it. I’d not been on one with them before and I felt some kind of release, some kind of pure joy.

I guess it’s not easy when I have to be my own driving force. No one else will encourage me other than myself. I guess I feel at times that I’m half mocked, I’m sure I’m not but that’s how it feels. Back to ‘feelings’ again! Anyway encouragement would be nice. Maybe we should all help and encourage others to strive to be their best, to try to better themselves, to also create a better environment, a better place and world for all of us.  To have more of an Objectivist approach rather than be Machiavellian. Why live in a world of belittling others when we could raise everyone to their own best person rather than keep them down. I’m not talking about a false utopian world, but a real world where man only wants to work or compete etc with the best competition or rivals, to have the best people around them both in work life and home life. No more belittling others. 

I had strange dreams last night. I was trying to find my phone, which I knew was at my aunts house. I was trying to contact my mum, who was kind of there too, but when I phoned my mum I got my cousin instead. All very strange and quite a bad and frustrating dream. My mum died 6 years ago now. I could see her and sense her but couldn’t reach her or contact her. Pretty strange. I guess I felt a bit helpless although I was doing everything in my power to get to her and contact her.

The night before I dreamt I was having a physical fight with my dad. A violent fight, well it was more a case of me beating him up.   That 2 nights of strange dreams and both about my parents.  I think I need to be aware that my emotions are heightened. Maybe I’m a little tired too.  I just need to keep an eye out for any triggers.

I’m not feeling too bad in myself, in fact I feel pretty amazing physically and pretty good mentally. It’s hard to be relaxed about feeling good in case I nose dive, but if I don’t relax and feel good I could make it happen anyway. I guess it’s also easy to tie oneself up in knots and let my thinking run away with me. 

I’m feeling a little tired now. I worked out earlier and feel good but tired. I did have a few moments earlier when I noticed I was clenching my fists and jaw, but luckily I noticed the triggers so I calmed it straight down. I just hope I can continue noticing things as much as I have been lately. So far, so good I guess. Life is such a constant learning curve. 

I’m tired but happy this morning, not excited happy or high happy, just reasonably happy, kind of ‘level’.  Yesterday I took my children to a motorbike racetrack to watch free practice. It was a 2 1/2 hour drive each way and I was concerned they might get bored and knowing I might get tired too. It was however really nice to take them, they enjoyed it quite a bit and I was ready to leave when they had had enough too, so it worked really well. It’s taught me that I can keep my cool even if I’m tired and that I’m pretty aware of any mood drop off triggers. I’ve read that if one can switch from a bad mood and realise they can switch that’s a big thing, I read it in a Tibetan Buddhist book. 

Life is pretty good right now and I’m pretty certain that working out has helped lots and I’ve only been working out properly for a week. I guess my goals in life are to do what makes me happy and live life fully but not to put things off too long.

I’ve been up since 6am and it’s now 9:36am here. I’ve practiced qigong and have read a fair amount, I’ve done part of my VAT and might be off to watch some motorbike racing. I’m feeling nice and relaxed too.