I’m feeling pretty normal today. I live in England and our clocks have gone forwards an hour to British summertime. Lets see what the day has in store for us.

I’m up at my usual time today again. I’ve noticed I’m anxious about money. I’m always chasing it. How can I just let go? How can I draw it to me so I don’t have to go after it all the time? I’m not sure. I’m not sure of much again. Tired of the constant chasing of it. Tired of the bad decisions I’ve made that have got me here. Tired of struggle, both mental and physical.  I guess I’ll just keep on going, pushing ahead, dreams laying by the wayside.

I’m tired, really tired. I think I’ve thrown my body out of sync a little. I need to get my circadian rhythm back on track. I think it got thrown out last weekend. I’ve been going to bed a little later this week too but still got up early. 

I’m noticing more triggers with my moods switches too. I clench my fists and my jaw when I’m getting angry. My thinking drops off too.  When I’m getting hypermanic I play music louder and feel a huge surge in energy. If I sense it early enough I go outside and skip to use isometric energy up. 

I’ve noticed that my diary entries havent been as in depth this last week either. I need to keep an eye on more things too.

It’s 6:14 am on 28th march 2014. I’ve been up since 5:45 and awake since maybe 5:00 or shortly after. I’m feeling ok, but my right knee hurts from 2 manic sessions at skipping last night. I needed to use some energy up! 

I’ve not got much to say, which makes a change for me. I need to get back to my meditating and my enlightenment. I can find inner peace. I often wonder if I am far more aware than the rest of the population and that’s why I struggle at times with my thoughts, because I can see we need to change as  humans and as individuals. We could love such beautiful lives, rich in the wonders of the world. Free energy is there to be used too. How much could we achieve if we worked together? Look at Findhorn foundation in Scotland or Damanhur in Italy! We can do so much. 

I started to get hyper manic earlier. I could feel the huge energy rising so I went outside to skip. And didn’t I skip! I went ballistic at it. I did maybe 5-10 minutes flat out really fast. My lungs hurt afterwards. I gave it 15-20 minutes and then had to go do it again. It worked a little as it calmed me down a bit. I feared getting really manic but I’m quite settled now. Phew.

I`m starting to feel really good again. My van will be back from the garage very soon. I can`t wait to have it back as its been gone a month. Its affected my work quite a bit. The only worry now is I`m feeling so good I could actually get a little manic, but I must try not too. I`ve noticed I am playing my music loud so I guess thats a trigger to feeling awesome and I am typing really fast.

I love feeling awesome! I am awesome! Hurrah!

Am I the only one who’s realising that we constantly chase the future?  Its 6:42 am here and I’ve been up since 5:40 am and awake since 5:15 am. I’ve been racking my brain trying to work out when I will actually have money in my business again, let alone my personal account. Being always owed money is ok as that’s part of being in business I guess, but mentally I struggle with it because as I start to make headway I have more to pay out. Mentally I keep telling myself in 6 months it’ll be better or a year etc etc. I feel like I’m chasing the future and never turkey living properly. How can I get my head back in gear and just be? Is money just a trap to keep us controlled Because money isn’t even backed up by gold anymore let alone real? How can every country be in debt and who are they in debt to? Central banks, that’s who. Central banks are private banks. I’ve figured we never can repay the debts that these central banks create to our countries and our countries then tax us more to try to pay back these false debts. Debts that are created out of thin air not real money or real value. So we also get into personal debt to live in this false debt consumer driven world. Well I need to get off this fake train and go off grid! 

Rant aside I do feel I need to reconnect with my higher nature. To jump off the money train. To get back in tune with nature herself. 

Up early again this morning. I’m feeling pretty ok. Things aren’t nearly as glum as I had thought yesterday. That’s the down side of paranoia. I’m not sure where I was at yesterday, but I’m not there today. I tied myself in knots. Everything is a circle, especially thinking and more so when it’s bad thinking. I jump in and go around and around going deeper and deeper. As much as I plan to notice triggers I can’t always and there are times when I get too deep too fast. Solitude is what’s needed. 

I’m never sure when instinct is there or paranoia. I guess instinct wouldn’t tie me in knots or dig a hole for me. Paranoia most certainly would and does. Those are the things I need to look out for I guess. 

I love being me most of the time. Sometimes I’d love to be someone else though.

Mentally I’m in turmoil. My brain is doing overtime. Everything is too much or too noisy and my ears are ringing. 

I’m up already and have been since 5:30, it’s now 6:10.  I’ve realised that I feel punished in my life in too many ways. It’s hard to explain or understand too because I don’t like people who act like victims. I prefer to try to face issues in life. However I do constantly feel punished. I’m not sure I know how to handle it or control those feelings, especially when I feel certain that others knowingly do it to me. I feel that I’m pushed and that others want a reaction from me. I know I’m feeling a little paranoid too, but I also feel like I know what the future holds and will bring. I’m not normally a fatalist either, but I feel that there’s a situation that’s coming by another’s subconscious choice. 

Paranoia. Is it paranoia or is it knowing? I’m not sure. I certainly try to deal with my issues and its a daily struggle. It leaves me feeling like others don’t deal with theirs and just plod along. Why do people plod along? Trudging along at half pace? Why not go headlong into things and just deal with what comes? 

I don’t like passive aggressive behaviour from others either. It leaves me wondering what’s going on. I’m sure that people use passive aggression because that’s how it leaves others and its a form of control. It leaves me feeling pushed aside and disrespected and not knowing where I stand and paranoid too, so I guess it is a way others punish those around them. 

I guess I’m tired of it all. All of the coldness. Tired of being pushed and pulled. Tired of walking on eggshells. Tired of constantly feeling like I have to suppress myself and suppress my sexuality. Tired of all of it. Tired of constantly feeling things are down to me. Fuck it all is what I say. Fuck it.

Its 6:40 now and I’ve struggled to do Qigong because my mind is racing with anger and frustration.

I’m tired of being pushed aside and living sexually frustrated. I’m at boiling point and don’t think I can cope anymore. What does it mean when there’s no sex in a relationship? Does it mean the other partner won’t deal with issues or does it mean that they care very little about you? Does it mean they want out because it feels like it. It feels like they don’t want you and don’t want you leaving either. What does it mean when you both attend therapy sessions to deal with it but the other partner backs out of it and stops with the suggestion? Fuck it all, is it worth living in pain constantly?