I’ve just had to walk off and leave my wife and children as I’ve gotten really angry with my son. He constantly pushes the boundaries. He’s rude and talks back constantly. He has just been really horrible to his younger sister. He’s broken 2 sticks that she picked up on a walk we were on. He splashed mud in her eyes too. He constantly bullies her. I know siblings can be like that, but I told him off and swore at him and walked off because I was too angry to be sensible. I noticed I clenched both fists whilst talking to him. He doesn’t need me being angry or aggressive because that won’t help matters at all, so I’ve walked off out the way. I’m not sure if its because I’ve broken my routine that I’ve got so angry or if its because we are all together with no space or if its because he constantly winds his sister up and hurts her maybe it’s all things combined, but regardless of that I was close to loosing my temper badly So I’ve left them for a while. 

It’s given me a good chance to try to think about my own reactions and any triggers that in hindsight I can look out for again. My wife and I had kept close to our daughter to stop him hitting her with a stick etc. Maybe next time it starts like that I will have to take one of them off with me and my wife can take the other one to give them some time apart.  Anyway I’ve walked off into the woods to calm down before going back. If I’m calmer I can help deal with it in a responsible manner. I’m just upset that I’ve had to leave my wife alone to deal with it because that’s unfair on her.  My thoughts as I walked off were very low and very angry aggressive thoughts.  It’s never easy being me. Just as I find I’m doing ok it crashes down. Maybe I should become a hermit or a monk!

I’m feeling ok today. I got up at 7:15 which is a lay in for me. I’m missing my herbal teas ordinary tea is dull and I’ve been drinking fruit juices and water whilst away. I’m really looking forwards to normal routine again. I don’t know why I didn’t bring herbal tea with me. 

We are wondering what to do today. We walked a good distance yesterday. My children and I actually ran at least a mile of it. It felt really good, maybe I’ll start running again when we get home as well as skipping and strength training. I really want to get my weights back and start working out. I love being strong. I’ve missed working out a these few years. My wife doesn’t like muscular men and that’s why I’ve not, but I love being big and strong!

Like I’ve said, I’m feeling pretty ok at the moment, but I’m working very hard on it and working hard to control it too. My only fear is I’m working too hard and if it starts going wrong it’ll go wrong fast.

I’m very aware that I’m away from my normal routine. I’m feeling ok but it’s strange not having the normal routine. I guess I’ve felt a little wilder and a little less in control of my feelings and thoughts. I’m much more tired and I’ve only been away since yesterday. The break has done me and us good though. I’ve asked my wife if she’s enjoying being away and she says she is, but I’m never sure if she is just saying that to please me or if she genuinely is enjoying herself too. I struggle to work out her feelings most of the time anyway. I find her very hard to read. Maybe she finds me even harder to read though!

my head aches a little. I have noticed that I’ve not been very present today in myself. My thoughts have ran away with me and I guess I’ve been fantasising about stuff too. I’m certainly tired. I hope I sleep restfully tonight. I slept well last night but tied myself up in knots a bit by not being in my routine. I never realised how much I like routine. I never thought routine was needed so much either! 

I’m feeling pretty boring with all the routine. I felt like ordering a meal with meat tonight and alcohol. I’m vegetarian and don’t drink so I don’t know why I felt like that, maybe it was because my routine is broken a bit and I feel slightly out of control too.

I’ve been awake since before 6:30 and it’s now 7:43, because we are in a hotel it’s hard to keep my children occupied. I think it’s time to get dressed and face the day ahead! I’m feeling pretty good. I’m looking forwards to some walking.

I’ve been giving some more thought to paranoia and anxiety and am trying to figure out some of the triggers. I noticed yesterday that when I felt some anger rising I clenched my fist. Now I need to figure out some of the triggers that happen when the paranoia creep in. I think I maybe know some of them.

Both times that I have had severe paranoid episodes I was out for the evening. The first time it happened I thought it was down to drinking, but I had to  dismiss this when it happened again and I’d not been drinking because I was driving. I think the possible triggers were being among strangers who were drunk, my wife was also drinking, not enjoying where I was or feeling comfortable, feeling uptight and not being able to hear the conversation or not being part of it which was in part from feeling unconfident and this led me to feel ‘out there’ instead of part of what was going on. My wife who was drunk didn’t understand my feelings partly because she was drunk but partly because she thought I was just being awkward and trying to stop her enjoying herself. I also felt that she wasn’t bothered about how I might be feeling, I feel like that often. I often feel that shes passive aggressive.This led to my mind doing quadruple time and I then started to get extremely paranoid and angry to the point of aggression rising inside me and feelings of wanting to start a fight to release the aggression. I’m not usually the kind of person who feels like that or who starts fights, although I wouldn’t shy away from protecting those closest to me.

So I need to figure out some triggers that lead to these situations arising. I’ve decided that if it starts to happen again I need to try really hard to notice changes in my body temperature or how I feel or if I clench my fist or any other change in physical mannerisms. It won’t be easy as usually I’m already feeling paranoid before I notice, but I hope that by being openminded and aware I can look out for triggers!

Who are we really? I mean we’re human but what makes us different from other animals, because we are animals? What makes us who we are? We are all different from each other yet intrinsically connected to each other. Why do we frown on some behaviours that others do and get frowned upon by others for our behaviours?  Some people who know me think I’m slightly potty but a nice kind of potty.  Luckily I’m potty I say and not dull as dish water! If only some people knew my thoughts and how aggressive or vicious, how little I feel or how low they can become, all consuming and out of control, or how much passion, love, compassion, care and emotion I can feel at times too.

I love trying to become the higher me and working through my darkest moments. I honestly feel that the most enlightened beings have come through the darkest despair and that’s part of becoming enlightened. It reminds me of the Buddhist master Milarepa and his own battles from dark to light. I love my moments of absolute clarity. I just wish that those around me understand it too.  I’ve often thought I’d be ideal living as a hermit, but I have a family who I love dearly too. I’m  glad I know myself, good and bad, as it helps me to understand myself deeply and to have compassion for others too.

I’m going away for a few days which will be nice. I’m just about set to leave. I think I’ll skip a little before I go, I might take my rope with me too. 

I’ve been very tired the last 2 days. Is it because I went to sleep an hour later on Wednesday…?…hmm…

I’m feeling quite level lately. It feels quite good but quite boring. 

I got up at my usual time this morning and have been through my usual routine. Whilst doing qigong I felt some good flows of energy moving around inside me. It was good to relax my mind too. 

I’m sitting here pretty relaxed and have realised that I’m calm, I’m feeling good and my mind can still work fast if I need it too. I love how my mind can work fast! It amazes me how slow some others minds seem to work but I love the differences in all of us in this world. The world amazes me, it blows my mind sometimes. How some things can be so beautiful and yet so cruel too. I have often wondered what it would be like to be someone else, I’ve vague memories of possible past lives. I think I can remember my birth too.

Life really is amazing! Live it fully I say. I’m still figuring myself out, but I guess we all are really and it’s an ongoing process. I’m happy that I’m not afraid to ask myself who I am and what I want or what I am.

To thine own self be true. Know thyself. Heal thyself.

I’ve been feeling a little anxious at work about work the last two days. The anxiousness isn’t about the job I’m working on, it’s about a job I’m part way through and it’s completely unfounded. It’s interesting to witness it happen and I’m using CBT methods to analyse my thinking. I’ve reassured myself that it’s irrational and about how pleased the customer has been so far.  It helps to look at it from an outside perspective too and I’m trying to think from someone else’s perspective. I’m thinking how someone else would reassure me that it’s nothing to worry about and how they might think about it. So far so good, but it has raised some anxiousness. At least I’m keeping a reasonable perspective of it.