Monday morning has rolled around again and I woke early and got up early. As usual anxiety has woken me in part. As I lay in bed earlier I’ve realised I’ve had a mixed mini high for at least 2 or more weeks and as usual a lot of that time seems a bit blurry, kind of like I’d stayed up late and watched a film whilst extremely tired and although I know I’ve lived through it it’s all a bit blurry. I hate it when I’m not noticing it because I’ve spent the last year trying to notice the triggers and warning signs and to be prepared but still it sneaks up on me. I should of known because of starting to live on facebook again, which I’ve deleted, and getting too involved in being online. I’m glad I’ve deleted my account or ‘deactivated’ it. It all gets too much. I get too involved in other people’s lives. I need to become a hermit. To retreat into myself again. I’ve lost track of some of my goals already, although I can see where and can maybe find my way back on my path again. Why don’t I see the warning signs? Also I think they crept in differently this time because there was no ‘orange flag’ warning from my wife either. I think she has to put up with too much most of the time from me let alone dealing with the kids etc. Having just realised all of this I’ve also realised how I manage normal everyday life while it’s ongoing. I mean I’ve even arranged changing our mortgage and consolidating debts while away with the fairies. Well done me I say! I’d be fucking awesome if I were fully in control ALL of the time.
Yesterday we had a family lunch. I say family lunch but what I mean is lunch with my wife’s family. It was the usual kind of thing. My mother in law got frantic about doing all the cooking. Which she always does. My kids felt edgy because they feel they have to comply a fair amount to things. My son really struggles with the whole ridgity of the situation. So usually he starts to wind his sister up. He’s 11, shes 9. Anyway after we had eaten my son was bored and awkward to be honest and he had carried on being a bit tricky. I’d been playing a game of Chinese chequers with my wife and near the end of one of the games we noticed one of her counters missing. He laughed because he had sneaked it off the board while we were playing right in front of us. So that leads me to the next ‘situation’. A situation that can happen at times. One that involves my father in law and even before this I’m already feeling angry all over again! Well my father in law started playing the game with my wife and my son interfered a bit with their game. My wife was dealing with it when my father in law aggressively grabbed my son by the wrist, yanked at him, threatened to hit him and had actualy made a fist with his other hand. He told him if he interfered with the game again he would hit him and he would do it even if my wife wouldn’t like it. I sat there close by and I don’t know how I sat still and bit my tongue but I nearly, and SHOULD of, got up and interveined and said something. My heart was pounding and I was so angry I was physically shaking. I know that it’s been years since I’ve been that angry and I know that had he not of been 80 and it not of been a family situation things would of been VERY different. It’s not the first time he’s threatened him either it’s happened a few times. In the past when my son was about 5 and we were staying in a caravan my father in law called by and there was a situation and he threatened to kick my son. To say I’m not happy is an understatement. He and my mother in law divorced years ago and the last two nights he has stayed at ours but in all honesty I don’t want him here. He can fuck off. My wife doesn’t like it either but she’s affraid to talk to him about things. I have told her if it happens again I won’t hold back and I will put him in his place family get together or not. My wife nearly interveined yesterday but didn’t want to cause a scene either. Well next time, if there is one, he will get told in no uncertain terms ‘ you won’t hit him and if you do you’ll be in serious trouble!’ Just thinking about it all has made my blood boil. I’ll not pussy foot around any longer. I’ll defend my kids.
I’ve not got much to write today. Well not yet anyway. I’ve deleted my facebook yet again. It’s for the best. It’s funny how I’d gotten hooked again after only a week and a bit. After deactivating it had to think of what to do. How mad is that I had been on so much that I had to try to think of things to do. I’ll bet facebook etc are the cause of lots of relationship problems. I know I’ve wasted too much time on there. Quite often my wife and I hardly talk because of it. She also goes on there too. It’s sad when you’re sat in the same room or house but communicate in part by social media. I’d realised it had gotten out of hand when I found something funny but laughed internally not externally. We will all end up mindless clones. Maybe it’s taking over our minds already. Maybe in a few years there will be groups called things like ‘facebook anonymous’ and there will be clinics to help the withdrawal symptoms and depression or vacuum left by social media cold turkey. I’d say it’s become an epidemic of huge proportions. A huge addiction. Maybe I should log back in to Facebook to post about it all haha. I think not.
It’s Saturday afternoon already. What fun. Life’s good. I’ve been tired a fair bit lately. I had a snooze this afternoon.
Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of the death of my mother. I’m pretty sure it’s a trigger too. Especially the lead up towards it. It falls only a couple of weeks after my children’s birthdays too so it’s a tricky time of year in both respects. There’s a good word. Respect. What does it really mean? Does it have its roots in fear? I mean often those that are respected really are feared aren’t they? Or if we respect someone in a good way isn’t that admiration? Words amaze me. Words like ‘amaze’ are amazing. A maze is somewhere to get lost in or try to figure out a path out of or into the centre. To be in amazement can also be taken as being in wonder. Ah words. Anyway so yesterday. Yes. Yesterday was the anniversary of my mums death. Always a tricky day for me and a tricky time of the year. Life goes on. It has to. Otherwise it would be over I guess.
So last night I get a friend request accepted on facebook from someone who I’m sure I didn’t send one to. Next thing I know I’ve got a message in my inbox. And Soo it starts…
I checked on ‘her’ profile. No friends in common. No female friends. Unemployed. Only a few friends at that and ‘her’ only posts were photo changes with various states of showing her cleavage. So having smelled a rat I decided to be the cat and have fun.
Well it all started politely enough. She asked if I wanted a relationship because she , I use the term she loosely, only wanted a serious relationship. I pointed out that I’m married and in the UK and that she is in the USA. Then she asked a few minor things. Then asked if there’s anyway I coukd ‘help’ her. Well long story short I let the conversation go on for maybe 4 hours and by this time I had an address and bank details of a man. I was asked how much could I se d. I replied 1 or 2 maybe 3 only to keep getting asked ‘ 1 or 2 what?’ They still didn’t get that I was taking the piss. Even when I said maybe I’d see what I could do after I’d watered the sheep and milked the goats they didn’t twig it, or after I said I need to take anti psychotic drugs and go out to buy rohibnol. Then when I told them I had to go check on the sheep because of the wolves…still I was asked had I transfered the money. I had a fantastic time. I even asked ‘her’ if she would celebrate my birthday in a year from yesterday. Nothing. way before this I thought I’d been rummbled but no. When I’d had enough I bluntly told them that I wasn’t born yesterday and various other truths too. Guess what happened? I still got asked if I’d transfered the money and was I ok? At that point I reported them to facebook and blocked them. I will also report the bank details to the bank today as they’re using their account for false purposes. It was huge fun. I’m sure it could of gone on for hours and hours more but they’ve lost 4+ Hours of their life and been kind of scammed back.
I woke early. I woke in the night several times. I didn’t go straight to sleep either. I’m not overly anxious but I think I was anxious in the night about getting tidy at work ready for the customers arrival tonight. I think I’ll go in this morning and tidy up and then take it from there. It’s windy outside today and maybe it’ll rain so I’ll try staying indoors at work. I hope it was only some anxiety in the night and not the start of a build up.
Tomorrow is the aniversary of the death of my mum 7 years ago so I’m concious that it might be affecting me slightly. It usually does. Also it’s 7 years ago. I wonder about the significance of numbers, 7 is quite a magical one. Maybe I can finally work my grief through properly or allow it to dissipate. It’s time to put it to bed and allow life to move on for my and my family’s sake. This year is the start of better things for us. A time of growth and love. Our world is changing and growing and I have to be ready to flow freely with it. Plans that we’ve wanted to make and have been placed on hold are still waiting for us to bring them to fruition. It’s time to let go and embrace my life again. It’s time to let go of my mental anguish and hell. It’s time to relax into myself. I’m alive and I’m 40. I didn’t die on my birthday so life will grow in abundance.
I’m not starting work until later today. It might only be a half day. It may well be less. Who knows. When I do get to work I’ve got lots of tidying up to do as the customer comes down tomorrow night. Luckily it’s tomorrow night. Last night they had thought they were coming down today. That really made me panic. Even aftertaste changed their mind I panicked when I had gone to bed. I lay there trying to remember the email. Trying to remember if they had said Thursday or Thursday night. Anyway panic over. I’m calmer now.
Sometimes I sit back and realise how lucky I really am. I’m lucky to have work, Licky to have good health, I’m lucky I’m feeling awesome, I’ve a good family too. I’m very lucky, although I’m not sure I fully believe in good or bad luck per se. We can each have a big hand in how we shape our lives and what we decide to do with it. Thinking we only have bad luck is just a mindset and can be changed with training. It’s like switching a light if we really want it to be. The chemicals in our brains react to stimuli in lots of funny ways. Music and drum beats affect us more than we realise. I’ve been playing around with this at work. When I need to really crack on I play upbeat dance music or heavy metal because it reacts to and with me.
Today I’m feelibg very good and pretty awesome. I’m superb.
I’ve woken up a little before I would normally. I feel very refreshed and once again I’m rearing to go. Lots to get done today.
I’ve memories of a strange dream last night. Part of the dream was a swollen river and I think I went under but didn’t come back up. It was fast flowing too. While it was all going on I was by the river on the bank watching. Quite strange. Part of the dream was about a couple of blokes I know but haven’t met yet. One of which seems to be going through a mental breakdown. Anyway I knew I’d be ok and would get out of the water further along because there was a strong current. I watched it all from above as well as the bank. I know dreams about rivers or water can mean our emotions. I guess it’s quite apt at the minute.
I’ve woken up feeling good and I’m ready for cracking on at work. I’ve got lots to achieve and get done today. Things are good. I’m feeling better than I have over the weekend too. I’ve found it hard to concentrate over the weekend and I’ve once again been on facebook too much. When I’ve written this blog I’m going to deactivate it. My thoughts have been faster than usual but they’ve settled down a lot.
I’m making mental plans for the year ahead and I need to put them down on paper too. I need to get my business back fully into the black and my personal bank account as well. I want to save £10-12k over the next 12-15 months and then the same again the following 12 months so that we can buy land or even another house. If we can buy both in the next 5-8 years all the better. Then we can get planning permission to build an Eco house and sell where we are and have no mortgage and have a small income from the rental. I’d like 2-3 houses to rent out in the next few years ideally. Lots to think about and to put into action.
I got up at just after 6. I was shattered but as soon as I got out of bed I was wide awake. I’ve had pretty vivid dreams last night too, Friday night as well. I got tired earlier last night, around 9:30 but didn’t go to sleep until 10:30. All is good.
Yesterday morning I was really grumpy. Really really grumpy. I’ve put most of this down to training thighs on Thursday and how much it takes out of me, but last night I took myself off out the way for a long bath because I felt I was going the other way. A long way the other way. My thoughts were racing and the evening seems a bit of a blur. I’m glad I took myself away because otherwise I might of ended up all over the place. I know that I’d lost touch with what some would call reality a little last night but reality has returned already this morning. My sleep last night was good but a little disturbed. I had to force myself to go up to bed and to lay down. I started to feel like I wouldn’t sleep but realised this and relaxed my whole body. I used to love the feeling of being wired, I love it less so nowadays. I’m gong to watch my moods very carefully today at work. I should of seen the warning signs. I’ve been on facebook far far too much this last week and I’ve also put off making a bill out for someone and put off other paperwork. I’ll be honest. When it creeps up on me and I’m not fully aware it shocks me. I often think I’m getting it all under control, it had been for at least 2-3 months. Oh well if it’s just the odd mini up and down I can live with that. A full blown 2-3 month high on the other hand is a different beast altogether.
I think that the biggest trigger for me is my mum and the aniversary of her death, which is late next week. Every year around this time I seem to implode or self distruct my own mind somehow. Usually I get physically unwell too, possibly brought on by being high and or mixed and running on adrenalin. This year is different because we don’t have a car at the minute I’m only working 6-6 1/2 hours each day so I’m not pushing myself too much. Maybe it’s a blessing in disguise.