I started this blog to keep a track of my thinking. The point is/was to be honest about my thoughts and feelings. I’m not sure that I can fully write it all just yet, but I’m gaining the experience and gaining the understanding. I fear I might write too much or write too darkly. At times my thoughts can get really dark.

I guess the point is that it’s my own record, my ‘diary’ if you like. I’m talking to myself, my future self here. Maybe some advice that the really crap times do get better and the great times do tail off is good advice? Maybe I know myself already?  Sometimes I have absolute clarity and others I wallow in self loathing and self pity. Mostly I rise up, maybe too high, if that’s possible. I wish that I could get to my highest, most inspired levels and remain there. I have so much energy, so much passion that if I could live there all of the time enlightenment would be an easy reach. Maybe it is already an easy reach but I tie myself up every time I get almost there.

Enlightenment is the goal of where I am headed, my life’s goal, along with transcending death and achieving the rainbow body, leaving no remains even. I guess I can only keep going forwards and learning more.

Sometimes I think I’m just full of bullshit and bollocks

Up at 5:45am again.  I’m getting used to getting up early. I was later going to sleep too. I’m wondering what today will bring. I’ve already meditated and done my Qigong.

So far I’m feeling kind of numb/normal. I find it strange to not feel emotions much at times and then feel everything good when rising and feel everything bad when dropping off. I feel like a yoyo or a orebody lim swinging from one side to the other, never resting in the middle. Would I even want it to rest in the middle? I don’t honestly know.

Just a thought, but is everything worth the hassle or internal conflict? I’m not sure I have a choice or if I have a way to stop it. I certainly try being very aware, very present.

My brain is hurting. It’s the front part. Physical pain.  I think my mood is slipping a bit, I felt angry and aggressive a little whole ago. Hard to explain it.  Sometimes if I feel angry or aggressive I go and skip if its early. I use the punchbag too.  I get vicious thoughts in my mind.  We had a rabbit and she had babies. The babies disappeared and then a few days later our rabbit did too. We used to let them have the run of our garden.  They occasionally went into the field out the back and possibly our neighbours too.  Our neighbour mentioned something once about our rabbit or chickens. My wife feels certain that he poisoned them.  When I feel angry I wonder if he did poison them, if I found out he did and I got angry I fear that he might end up being my punchbag. I love animals and I hate people who poison or maim them.

i don’t like feeling angry.

I’ve realised that I’m slightly anxious again. It’s always over crazy things.  Why do I the myself in knots so much? I must be crazy?

why do I get anxious and paranoid and then start to think about it all even more? I just can’t I understand it.

Up at 5:50 this morning but awake quite a bit earlier. I`ve lots of energy flowing and am feeling very good. I am the best I can ever be right now, maybe I`ll get better still though! I feel invincible, immortal and today I have lots I want to get done and achieve.

I think that exercise is a real key to keeping me on a good level. In fact I think exercise, meditation, Qigong and herbal tinctures prepared spagyrically can have massive benefits to a human body. Too many people overlook all of the available alternative treatments to any ailment. I am not saying chemical medication doesn`t have a place because is really does, I had pneumonia nearly 8 years ago, but we overlook the older forms of keeping mind and body in check.

Its so easy to see everything in a good light when I feel this good.

I feel I should write a little about my feelings of the world. My views if you will.  I live an esoteric lifestyle and don’t adhere to any religion in particular, although I live a pretty Buddhist lifestyle I guess.  I’m vegetarian, I don’t drink coffee or alcohol. I try not to think bad thoughts, not easy that one. I try to be kind.  I think if we could all just be kind to each other the world could and would change.  Look at the stigma a mental illness caries with it. If we were kind to everyone then maybe everyone could start to understand each others problems.  I’m a strong believer in the power our thoughts carry, but if someone tells me to cheer up or stop being so down etc I feel like saying to them when they have a cold or broken bone etc to just think they’re well and it’ll be sorted.  Mental illness is so badly understood.

I live an alternative lifestyle I guess.  I meditate often, I do Qigong, I’ve been on a solitary retreat. Actually it was whilst on a solitary retreat that I started taking a good long hard look at myself. I guess it’s what led me to question myself and my mental health deeper. Maybe it even helped me start to take some control, to a degree!  I guess a retreat, especially a solitary retreat, isn’t for everyone or even a good idea for everyone.

Mostly I feel that I’m blessed by the way my brain works. I honestly see it as a good thing. The down feelings hurt like hell and even my brain can ache at times but I guess it’s about balance.

I used to fear loosing my mind when I get old, but maybe I need to let all of my fears just go.  Life scares me when I’m low, but exhilarates me when I’m feeling high or good.

I fear being too honest at times, too open. I fear that others just won’t understand me. It’s not that I want attention either, I’ve had people assume I’m an attention seeker.

Oh well I really love being me. Especially at the moment!

I don’t think I’ll ever understand people. I don’t understand myself a lot of the time.

Its late afternoon and its been a normal day so far. Very few strange thoughts and my mind has been pretty well behaved. I`m not sure if I`m relieved or if I am missing racing thoughts…

I`m outside doing some skipping and punchbag training and have very little aggression to hit the bag with. That must be a good sign! I really enjoy the skipping as I can get a good rhythm going and can let all thoughts go, plus its really good physical exercise too. I love being fit and having energy.

Onwards and upwards

I’ve woken up feeling pretty anxious this morning, I’m not sure why, but I feel like I’m tying myself in knots.  My stomach is feeling light and edgy too.  I’m trying to figure out why I feel like this but it’s adding too it too.  I’ve lots I want to get done today but I don’t think it’s that. Who knows. Anyway I’m feeling anxious.

I wish I had enough money to retire or pack work in and retreat into myself deeply.

Every day I go to work I have to deal with customers face to face.  I have to put my mask on to deal with it. It’s not them, it’s me.  I have to listen to them talking about themselves and their lives at times, there shouldn’t be anything wrong with that in itself, but I feel like I have to be polite, listen, non judging etc when they wouldn’t want to hear anything I might have to say.  I feel like I have to prostitute myself to them. Most are very nice people, so I’m lucky I guess.

How many people talk and never really listen? All they care about is feeling they’re right or are just waiting to say what they want to say. This may sound odd but at times I wish I could just tell them to shut up or scream at them.  At other times I really enjoy listening to older customers talk about their lives. I’ve considered training to be a counsellor or something similar, maybe I should.  At times I hate the job I have and mostly would love to work from home and avoid people.  It’s hard to know what to do.