My brain has kicked up a gear. I’m off to sleep to try slowing it down again a bit. 

I’m feeling good today. I’m feeling almost an excitement too, which is strange. I’m growing both physically and philosophically. My body is recovering from some very high intensity bodybuilding training. I’m switching routines to something that should lead to even better growth and recovery. I’m training my mind to look at things philosophically but realistically and scientifically. Science and philosophy don’t need to be separate from each other, nothing does. Man is man. A is A. A tree is a tree. Life simply and beautifully is Life.

I was going to write simply that I’m feeling good. I guess that’s gone out of the window now though.

I’ve realised that I fear lots of things in life. I fear the unknown and change at times. I try not to, but I have to face the fact that I do. I’ve kept myself stuck at times rather than letting myself fly, but flying scares me. The unknown element of it scares me lots. Decisions scare me too. I put things off hoping that they will either go away or that they will be ok in the end. I fear not making changes too. I fear getting old and looking back at the things I was too scared to do and longing for the answers that those changes may of brought. Life doesn’t have a fast forward or rewind button either, which is a shame. I’ve been called selfish in the past but usually I worry about others more than they know. I worry that I’m slowly killing others inside or I worry that I’m not doing enough of some things. I fear wrong choices because in the recent past in my business I’ve made huge errors. So although I’m usually very positive I do have fears. I’ve never traveled outside the UK because mentally I’ve not been able to handle the idea of the details for fear of getting something wrong.

I’m at a time in my life where I need to make changes, to get rid of my fears, to live fully, to face those fears head on….but what if I make mistakes, can I handle that?  I always try to do the right thing by others, sometimes far more than they’ll ever know. Maybe I’m just a shell, not enough of a man. I know that only I can really decide on what it is I need or what it is that I must face, what fears I should deal with. Maybe I need to talk to someone outside of my normal life. Maybe I should call someone who used to give me counselling.

I’m feeling pretty good this morning. Life’s not so bad. I’m not tying myself in knots too much lately and my thinking is pretty clear. It’s not raining either so that’s good because it should be. It’s been really sunny lately and that always helps lift my spirits too. I’ve yet to practice qigong this morning but its not 6am yet. I was awake at 4:30am but dozed until I got up. Work is going well and I think I need to put my prices up yet again.

Life is about change. The only constant in life is change. I’ve feared change too much trying to stick too rigidly to things. Maybe I’ve held myself back too much through fear, my own fear and others fear. I need to let go. Let go of lots of things. I’ve held too much inside for too long. 

Life needs to be lived. It’s a very precious gift. I have dreams too, dreams I want to realise.

Yesterday was great day and today is starting well too. I’ve started to get hay fever which can get quite bad but so far I’m doing ok. I’m hoping the weather holds up for today so we can get a job finished. 

I’m going to sleep at about 9:30 each night again now and it’s really helping how I feel. I guess I now know what my sleep patterns need to be. I’m awake at 5am each morning but doze until 5:30am then get up. Then my daily routine or circadian rhythm is followed pretty strictly, but not super strictly. I’m enjoying feeling good and feeling balanced. I’m conscious that I need to work pretty hard again for the next year or more just to get clear of some debts that need clearing. I’ll get there but don’t want to tire myself too much as that can lead to a drop off. And I don’t want that! 

It’s Monday morning and I’ve been up since 5:25am, I’ve practiced qigong and I’ve been in my office pricing work and making bills out already. I’m all set for the day ahead now. I’m pretty relaxed too!

I’m looking forwards to a beautiful day. It’s already very warm outside. There’s lots to be achieved today. Bring it on I say!  

I have a meeting with my bank today to try to sort out my finances. I’m looking at changing my mortgage onto a better rate and possibly longer term for now. I’ve had enough of the struggle with money. It’s time to start organising it all much better. It’s time to sort some things out. 

I’m rearing to go today!

I woke at 4:50am this morning but went back to sleep until 6am so I guess I’ve had a lay in. I had a few strange dreams last night. Dreams where there were situations completely out of my control. Situations that I was involved in and needed to be able to have control over them. I’m not sure if this is an analogy of my mind at the moment. I’m certainly working to master my mind now. I’m not anxious about these dreams, although they did disturb my sleep a good amount. Maybe I need to keep an eye on my moods.

Dreaming as I did last night I’m wondering if there are many people who are truly happy in life. They say ignorance is bliss. They may well be right. The more I strive to be a better version of myself the harder it seems at times. I guess if you’re ignorant of the higher calling of self knowledge or other knowledge and wisdom then things may seem better.  I’m never sure when my thinking is rational or when the Cyclothymia is causing a change in my thinking. Quite often it’s too late before I know the difference. I certainly know that it’s good to search oneself for ones higher better person. It’s not always easy though to feel that the world isn’t conspiring against you or your efforts. I guess I’ll just keep going forwards. Actually it’s not a case I’ve guessing, it’s a case of I will keep pushing forwards because I want to and because it leads to self improvement.

I have a reasonably busy day ahead today so I guess I’d better get on with it. I’ll make it a good day, a happy day.

I’ve realised I need to work more on my logic and go far less on the emotional/gut instinct. I need to be able to analize things better and not be ruled by mood or emotion. More logic is needed to help me achieve all of my goals and objectives. I have realised most people don’t know me or understand me, but that’s ok now. It didn’t used to be. I am only in competition with myself, to better myself, not to be better than others. I’ve judged myself too harshly, in part because of real or false peer pressure and in part from over-thinking things on an emotional level.

I’m trying to control my thoughts again. I try most of the time but sometimes it’s more of a concerted effort. I’ve been reading about bodybuilding lots lately but mostly books by Mike Mentzer and a few articles about him. He was an objectivist and was a big enthusiast if Ayn Rand. He wanted others to think logically and for themselves. I couldn’t agree more. In a book I finished yesterday he talks about psychology and how one can change thought patterns. He recommends a few techniques and books too. I will be buying ‘ The psychology of self-esteem’ by Nathaniel Branden. I know my mind works differently to others, very differently at times, but it doesn’t mean I can’t get the best out of myself.

I have trained myself to notice a change in thought patterns. It doesn’t always work but I’m certain that the more I practice it the better it becomes. I know others tell me that these things aren’t always possible or that it doesn’t work at all, but if you focus on the negative then the brain looks to that as a way of thinking.  I’m trying to focus on the good things in life now, I need to cut out all of the negative. It may cause problems in some respects but things have to be overcome. I’m tired of defeatist attitudes. Life has broken me down ready to be rebuilt as the better me. If only others could see it for themselves.  I know I will fall again and I know I will drop off fast and hard. Thats life. It’s the challenges that make or break us. It’s  up to us to make the difference. I’ve compromised lots in my life and I’ve made bad decisions too, but I am loving the realisation of it all. I honestly feel I’m becoming the best ‘me’ that I can be. Time to listen to myself more, to my deeper inner voice. It’s time to climb the ladder out of the holes I’ve dug. I can do anything I really want with my life, because it is my life, my sovereign right to become my own sovereign person. 

Im not talking about false ‘positive thinking’ . I’m talking about action over inaction. No more procrastinating. 

I’m feeling pretty ok today, but I’ve realised that my dreams and aspirations seem to be getting left behind. It would seem all I do is look to survive. Maybe life beats us all down. I wonder why we allow it. Why we don’t all get along much better. We all get to a stage where we are out for ourselves and our family only, others matter less. I had a conversation with a customer yesterday who has a phd and has realised that his ‘job’ just didn’t satisfy him. He wasn’t interested in a big career in the end either. Life is more about living than surviving for him. Maybe I need to get some of that back. Get some joy back in my life, rather than just survive.

I used to have lofty dreams. Big aspirations. I’ve put them to one side because I’ve felt that they were in part caused by my mind and that I’ve had to be more ‘realistic’ but maybe I was right to have big goals. I honestly believe that any one of us can achieve what we want if we really want it. Enough of self sabotage. I’m meant for more than base level survival. Maybe it’s time to throw the shackles off and push forwards again.