The more I delve inside myself the more I understand myself totally.  I know my true self. The goal I’ve held for a long while has been my enlightenment. I’ve been there fully too. It’s not about sitting in a cave in the Himalayas either it’s about presence of self. About being fully present. It can transcend time. As much as I dislike some of the attributes I have in life at times I do actually love being myself in this flesh and blood body. How many people hide from themselves ? It’s painful to fully know yourself. Really painful at times but it makes one grow as a human while here.  Life is both simple and complicated at times. My moments of absolute clarity can come from meditation or even from extreme stress. I have learnt that things will be ok. Always. I still stress at times. But less that I have in the past. More exercises are needed and more grounding too. I used to think I should live in a monastery or on retreat full time but I don’t need that. I really don’t. My highest self comes through in my normal waking times. 

I have done some Sigil magic today. It works very fast.  I usually burn mine after constructing them too. I use a method like Austin Osman Spares. It works well. The grounding that I will go back to will also help balance my mind too. I think my clarity is very good again. The last few days have been odd but it was my mums birthday on the 11th and that always affects me. I know this but it still hits me. Onwards and upwards again. 

these last few days have been very draining. I’ve not been inside myself fully.  I’ve been physically, mentally and psychically drained by things. I need to balance everything out. I’m not sure how to yet. A few years ago I would of done it easy enough. It seems harder these days. I seem to be under more pressure the older I get too. I seriously hope I can find the balance point again very soon. Others on the outside have no idea of my inner state a lot of the time. I could say more but won’t. Or maybe I should. I don’t know. I don’t know much anymore. I spoke with a friend and she thinks I’ve been high for a while. Maybe she’s right. I’m not sure. I do know that over the last three weeks I’ve gotten behind at work and have been doing 11-12 hour days just to keep up. I think I punish myself, maybe too much. I certainly push myself.  Why do I always fear to upset others yet I’m happy to be torn to shreds myself? When will I open up fully to the outside? Can I even open up. I’m trying to do my vat but can’t get my computer working properly. I leave everything to long. I get proactive for a while then I overkill myself and rail off. What’s the solution? Honestly what is the solution. Others seem to get by ok. 

I need to find a way out of all of this. It gets me down too much. I need to do it. To get straightened right out. Do others have this turmoil too ? I really don’t know. How can I understand another’s thinking? How can they understand mine? I over work and get tired or ill and then feel guilty about it or am made to feel guilty. What’s the answer? Really what is the answer. I’m pushed too much by outsiders. Maybe I need to learn to say fuck off or NO. I need to be allowed to be me not a projection of others version of me. Right now I could just drive off and never come back. Fuck it. Fuck it all. Ahh that’s a little better. FUCK IT.  

Why do others always seem to know what’s best for us? Maybe they do maybe they truly have our best interest at heart. I don’t know. Or do I? Ah fuck it. 

I have been working long days recently and although getting really tired I’ve also been mentally or spiritually working too. I’ve been accessing my higher self easier and also higher levels of the esoteric world. I’ve always held that those who seem mad or very intelligent are the ones who suffer the most. I also think that those same people are the ones who can reach these higher states. This last week I have realised and seen the energy grid of earth. It’s a geometric circle like a three dimensional flower of life. Within this are the Platonic solids. Although not physically present, they might be, they are certainly spiritually present and that’s why the earth is so finely balanced. The whole of this physical universe is much the same. I’m reminded of an episode of the Simpsons where homer skips through a toroidal wormhole on a flat grid. I think he ends up in our physical world. It was a Halloween special. There were many truths slipped into this episode too.  Death is a gateway through these levels, these dimensions. Although they can be accessed by some of us whilst physically incarnated, and worked upon. I know a few others who can do this and I have also tried to train others to be able too. 

It reminds me of consciousness and how it’s associated with the physical brain.  It’s not. It can leave the physical brain and the body. I’ve left my body several times. Sometimes whilst under stress both physical or mental, sometimes through illness and mostly by my free will.  I need more time to work within these levels/dimensions. It’s like remote viewing. It makes me laugh when I hear how many people call all of this unreal or not real yet both eastern and western governments spend fortunes training and observing these things let alone the eastern and western mystery traditions who practice them. Life is never black and white and forces are always at play. Regardless of if people believe in them or not. These things can materialise as a physical ailment too. That’s why there are certain breathing techniques taught in the east to move internal blockages.  I think I’ve been too physical lately and I’m having a huge catch up on the spiritual realms and practices. I must start doing my Tibetan breathing exercises again along with my qigong when my body has healed better from the physical side of my illness.  Yes that’s exactly what’s needed and the internal organ qigong too. Yes. Make it so. 

people, in general, confuse the fuck out of me. I confuse people too. When will we all see all that there is to see or feel all that there is to feel?  People are afraid. People live in constant fear. I’m tired of fear. I’m tired of confusion. I’m tired. I can’t keep playing the basic game of life.  I work on many levels now. I see more than most see too. Open your minds and eyes I say. Work on as high a level as you can. 

work has gone totally crazy and it’s getting too much. My apprentice has now had nearly three weeks off sick with hay fever and a stomach bug. I’m way behind and struggling to get outside help. Fuck. 

it’s autumnal outside today. It was yesterday too. I fear the feelings that might arise even more within me. Yesterday some of my feelings dropped off. I thought if autumn and it’s beauty but also how it signifies the death of the year. I guess autumn and death are significant for me since my stepdad died in early November years ago. My taste in music changes too. What will autumn bring for me this year ? I love the sunsets that happen here in north Norfolk late in the year. The feelings of death need to be looked at differently though. I don’t want to tail off again. I don’t want to loose where I’m at. Feeling like this is like standing above a precipice ready to cross the abyss. I’ve crossed the abyss before and entered the realm of darkness. It’s neither good not bad. It just is. 

I’ve read that all awakened beings feel the pain of the world and get the highs and lows.  Maybe it’s true. I certainly understand that. I can rise so high yet be in the deepest places all at the same time. I guess in all honesty it’s an amazing feeling, a blessing and a curse all at once. I know I’m very highly tuned again and I’m enjoying these feelings and this level of consciousness. Maybe others will think I’m crazy. I don’t mind. I need to be myself fully. I’ll open up fully and be my highest self. 

life is there to be lived and I need to start living fully. I’ve been working lots lately but it’s worth it to clear some debts.  I’ve got some things I need to do in life too. Everything in its correct time and order. 

Last night I slept pretty solidly. I’m still tired though. I’m still not 100% health wise but I’m feeling a bit better. Life goes on. 

I have lots of work to get done these next few weeks so I need to be healthy. I’ve still not worked out either. Luckily my mind hasn’t broken again yet !

Still not feeling great. Lots of work to do and I know it’ll fit into place but it is stressing me out. I’m still coughing badly and it’s making me gag when I cough too although I’ve not thrown any sick up only fluid. If I wasn’t so busy at work I’d take some time off. When I get like this I always fear pneumonia creeping back but I’m sure it’s not.  I might try to get a doctors appointment today just to be sure though. 

Last night was a tough night. I’m struggling. At times like these I wonder who I am. I constantly seem to be trying to find myself but at the same time I know myself. 

I had some really vivid stuff going on in my head last night. Visits from the spirit world. There’s lots to work out there. Lots to see about. I guess some would think I’m crazy but others would understand. Along with absolute clarity comes the feeling of being crazy. If you think you’re crazy does that make you sane because you have the ability to question these things. And what of emotions ? How do they affect us ? A logical mind would say emotion is a chemical in the brain but I am a conscious being and where does my consciousness sit? 

Monday morning is here again bright and clear. I’m starting to feel a little better but will leave working out for now.  My thoughts are starting to get clearer again too. It’s good to have these moments of absolute clarity. My goal for today is to write my diary. I’ve not done that for a week now, so I’d better get started again. I’ve also not noted down about my alchemical works starting again in my lab notes. Tut tut. 

I always seem to have things on my mind , things that take some working out. At times I feel really old, at others I feel like a child or I have childlike wonder in the world. I know I’m selfish at times but maybe I’m not and I just beat myself up mentally too much.  I need to unwind fully and start to flow again. Talking of which I’ve already practiced qigong this morning. I’ve been into the lab too and checked on some things. Everything is as it should be.  

My daughter has whooping cough at the minute but is over the worst but her older brother is now getting a good cough on him. Kids puck so much up. 

I’m starting to take notice of my thoughts more and my visual awareness it has been reawakened by some very special art too. It resonates with me and my thoughts and views on life and the esoteric backing of life.  In becoming aware of ‘things’ more again and I’m getting visits in my dreams and my waking life too, which is great. 

I had better get moving with my day ahead. It’s going to be a week of long days.