It’s 9:27am here. I’m at work. I’m supposed to be painting the outside of a house but there was a very heavy dew last night. Hopefully I’ll be able to get in soon. I must be in a pretty good place mentally because I’m not anxious or uptight, maybe I just don’t care. Anyway I’m kicking back for a while until it dries off. I’ve oiled a door and just need the windows to dry off so I can start painting them.  

I’ve been giving thought to if I should either go back to the doctors and insist on a referral or if I pay vast sums of money to a private psychiatrist or if I do neither. Answers on a post card… Anyway I’m going to sit down comfortable and search the internet for a while looking at all of the alternative options.  Maybe I’ll win the lottery tonight and retire to a life of a hermit and pay the private psychiatrist. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe it’s just everyone else can’t see the true reality of the world. They’re too caught up in money and ego.  

I’ve wondered what people normally think about. Often I ask people what they’re thinking about only to get the reply that they’re thinking about nothing. I guess there must be lots of meditation masters in the world then either that it they simply are so brain dead that they don’t realise it. They’re all too consumed with who’s won eggs factor or prancing on ice or some similar mind numbingly se senses drivel. Why is it that someone who is interested in the spiritual betterment of mankind can feel so out there and on the fringes of society? Lots of big questions. Nobody cares for answers though, well hardly anybody . Hmm. 

I have woken feeling a little un-rested. I’m not sure why. I didn’t wake in the night very much, if at all.  I was pretty relaxed before bed too. I did my night time workings as has become normal. I think I’m feeling slightly different. My ears are still kind if ringing too. I guess I feel in a slightly altered state of mind or consciousness. Hopefully this is all for the better.  

I’ve been wondering lately if to go back and talk to the doctor to get a referral. Last time I had to self refer to the local well being team. I had a telephone conversation with them and they thought I was doing everything I should be. I’ve emailed them recently, I say recently but it was over a month ago, but I’ve not had a reply yet. That’s not so good is it. Having said that I don’t want to have to overly rely on others or burden others. I don’t want too many people poking their noses in either. I have felt pretty ok but I’m wondering if I’m getting worse rather than better. Maybe I’m just more aware of things.  

It’s funny how life creeps up on us isn’t it. I’m almost 40 which isn’t so old but yet at the same time I’m wondering where the time has passed. I guess mostly it’s been at work. I’ve been high recently. It seems I’m high more than low.  I have had depression though and mixed episodes too. Maybe I spend too much time pondering it all. 

Today is going to be a dry day luckily. I will go and get on with some painting outside today. I’m feeling much more level after a tricky few days, well almost a week. I had a strong coffee last night which levelled me out.  I’m not sure how my mood will be today but I will deal with it however it is. I don’t have any other choice really.  

Yesterday I started to read back through this blog. I’m both amazed and disheartened by it. I’m amazed because I’m being pretty open, although still not fully, but disheartened because I’m still cycling through mood swings and I’d hoped to of settled them right out of my life by now.  The three weeks I had recently where I felt normal were both fantastically great and fantastically dull for different reasons. I could live with being in a normal mood all of the time now I think. I certainly want to. The occasional slightly raised mood thrown in would be nice but not a necessity.  

  The forum moderator on the forum I’ve been banned from has emailed me to say I may go back on as long as I don’t share this blog or personal  information. I now understand the reasoning for why they had to do it. I may go back on but I will stay away for now until my mood is much more settled. It’s good being on a forum like that because I can share my feelings, I can chat with others who have these feelings too but I’m wondering if it has a downside to it and that being that it may trigger how I feel.  I feel a little ashamed to have to say others affect my mood because I see myself as strong minded and for me to be influenced by others makes me feel weak minded and feeble. In fact it’s very disheartening. I know that in the past others have tried to play on this and on my good will. They’ve thought that they can control me to a degree, but unknown to them I am pretty intelligent and was instead trying to help them but turn a blind eye to their manipulative side. In the end I’ve had to cut them out. I’ve had to do that to a few people in my life now. Afterwards they act like children and try to lay the blame upon me. Maybe I won’t suffer fools anymore.  

 My ritual has already been done this morning and was good.  I have read my newest book about angelic magick and it’s history. It’s more a history than a how to book but that’s fine by me as I already know what I’m doing in my own rituals.  With each ritual I’m understanding more. I also think the routine of morning and night rituals fits very well with my circadian rhythms. Hopefully this will be of double benefit to me.  

I went back outside early evening yesterday and did a little more of a workout with weights. I’m a little torn between having some fun throwing some weights around and trying to keep to a set workout routine which I normally do. I guess I’ll just play for now and let it lead into proper workouts again if  that happens. If it doesn’t then at least I’m getting some exercise. 

I’m feeling pretty lethargic and I can’t be arsed to do much at the minute. Earlier today I hinted at what this blog was called on a forum I was on. I say was on because they have since banned me. They banned me because they considered it sharing personal information. This blog does not have any of my personal information and although initially surprised and slightly annoyed at getting banned I guess they have had to stick by their rules. I am allowed to contact the admin to talk about it but I don’t think I will for now.

I’m feeling quite out of sorts today and although lethargic I did go outside and skip for a while and then did some exercise with my weights. I seriously need to get some focus back in my life both personally and business wise. Maybe getting booted off the forum will become a blessing.

I’ve had to deal with my mental state pretty much alone so far so I guess I’m back to doing just that. I need  to get my circadian rhythm’s back on track. I also need to keep going at my rituals regarding my Holy Guardian Angel. 

I’m off work again today. It’s wet and I can’t be arsed. I’m tired. I’ve not had a week off for holiday this year so I’m not too worried and with the rain I’ve got a good excuse, not that I need one. I’m not fully at my best but I’m probably high still. My ears are ringing and have been for a few days. I’m going to jump in the bath soon. I need to start exercising again pretty soon. I’m still in really good shape though and still look fantastic. I’ve forgotten to use my mood app the last day or so and my memory has been all over the place. 

 I’ve upped the ante with my rituals too   I’ve had some interesting stuff happen but I’ll not go into that. All goes well, I can say that much. 

I’ve not been in to work today. I went back to bed hoping to relax and sleep, which I did but I’m feeling high again or still. Maybe I should workout later or skip or something. I’m amazed because the weather here is miserable and I’m all bouncy. I like being bouncy. It’s great. Not so good for those around me though. I wonder how I’d be if I were a hermit. Would I be so manic? I’m not sure. I’d certainly not be blogging. 

I went to bed at just after 11 last night and wasn’t tired. I actually forced myself to go up. I lay there for a while just trying to relax before rolling over to go to sleep. I’m not normally like this. I woke a few times in the night again and was ready to get up just before 5:30. Normally I go to sleep at 10 and wake up about 6:10 am, so that’s over 1 1/2 hours less sleep last night plus broken sleep the night before.  I’m trying to think what has changed to possibly cause this because I want to nip it in the bud. Was it being celibate for a week? Has that changed my hormones inside?  I don’t think it is. In fact I think it helped calm me down.

There’s rain forecast again today so I’ll do some work but then maybe I should rest. I should definitely rest. Although if it dries out I need to get work done outside. Often if I’m too relaxed I get behind. I’ll not get behind this time. I’ll keep a check on the weather and if it does dry out then I’ll decide. Maybe a 20 minute nap or so. Any longer can be too much.   

I had a sleep yesterday afternoon partly because I had a huge energy tail off and partly because I was warty that I might not sleep last night. I was late going to be and was pretty wired. I lay still for ages before rolling on my side and letting go and going to sleep. I’m now unsure as to why I was awake late. Was it the afternoon sleep that threw me or was it that my mood was high yesterday and had been since Friday? I’m not sure. Maybe a little of both.

  Anyway I woke up really early this morning and dozed a few times before looking at the time. It was just before 6 so I lay still for a shirt while before getting up. Each time I woke up I was anxious. Luckily I seem to of put a lid back on the anxiety box for now. I really don’t want anxiety back. I can live with high moods, low moods and I can just about stomach mixed moods but anxiety just eats away at me too much. Far too much.

   At least for now I’m ok. My thoughts are faster than the last few weeks but I can live with that. I’d say I’m pretty much used to it to be honest. I’d kind of missed it. Although having said that I could happily just live the rest of my life with normal moods from now on, very happily in fact. 

I’m feeling very short on patience since my tricky Friday afternoon/evening. I’m not sure if I wrote about how I was after I got home from work on Friday and before my wife said my code word for mood change. Well it’s taken until now to see it all a bit clearer. A couple of weeks ago I bought a garden machete, partly for chopping plants back here but also for clearing areas at work. Anyway Friday night after work I found myself in my garden with said machete hacking away at things , mostly plants that needed cutting back or had died off but it was the fact I felt at the time a need to release those pent up feelings that has surprised me. I’ve had nigh on three weeks of feeling totally normal and this shift came out of nowhere and completely devoured me. I couldn’t snap out of it or control it or even exercise it off because I simply didn’t see it. Three weeks of full normality , maybe I’m being delusional?, and I just thought I was acting normally.  Anyway I guess I’m going to have to be even more aware that I can’t always see triggers. Maybe in hindsight there’ve been a few small ones but I’d not seen them until afterwards.  

Well here I am now, once again sensing that my mood has been different again since Friday and maybe hasn’t been back to normal yet. I’m high more than low and I think my mood is elevated once again. Work is going up a gear. I’ve realised that I did about 9 hours work on Friday, nothing too bad there except I did it in about 4-5 hours of real time.  I’m back in bed now trying to relax myself because I’ve been tense all weekend apart from when I’ve been doing my ritual magic or meditating.  Right now the thought of being a hermit is speaking in so many ways. I’d be away from others, I’d not influence those others with my mood swings and I could practice mindfulness, meditation and magic all of the time which is something I would gladly dedicate myself too.  

  I guess I will finally get to where I’m headed in life. I thought for the last two weeks that I was winning my war with my mind but right now I’m not so sure.  Once again I’m struggling to focus on things like reading unless I’ve just done a ritual and or meditated. Often when fully high I can’t even meditate.  My memory has been a bit shit these last couple of days too. I had posted a couple of comments on a forum I’m on a short while ago and when I logged back in I couldn’t remember the comments I’d made.  

Oh dear. 

I’m back feeling normal again. I was a little later going to bed last night. I’m a bit tired today but I still got up at my usual time. My ears are ringing too. Although I had a few hours of tricky mood swings yesterday I think I’m back in control. I’ve done 5 days of celibacy now and it’s getting easier but harder too. I’m starting to feel a little more in control of my life. I have to admit I fully lost control yesterday though. It really affected my home too. My son had a real mood swing too. This also may of been in part to my wife drinking though. I have noticed his mood change when she’s been drinking and my mood has been stable. It sounds like I’m painting a bad picture. I’m not. My wife doesn’t drink often. She has the occasional bottle of wine. I think she likes the relaxed feeling of being drunk. Anyway my son had a grumpy time lady night and decided it was his sisters fault. Normal family life I guess!  

I’ve been out and carried out my ritual and invocations in my works this morning to invoke my Holy Guardian a Angel. It’s very interesting how my works are progressing now having cut out certain individuals from my life once again. Even my moods have been much more settled. I honestly think that the more one studies esoteric’s and spirituality the more one is susceptible to others moods and their positive or negative influence. I’ve recently spoken with a man in Cornwall who is living very much like a hermit, although he does have minimal interactions with other humans and he’s confirmed this for me. He also had to cut out one of the people I’ve had to. A mutual acquaintance if you like.

  Anyway he’s found he’s getting along better without the negative influences of this other person. The other person is in need of some serious mental help but refuses to get it. He shows big signs of psychopathic behaviour and also some personality disorders. He tries to manipulate others quite often and gets very aggressive when it doesn’t work. It’s one of those situations where I’ve tried to help but have had to back away for my own reasons and my own sanity.  

  I have a small job to help someone with this morning and then I’m through with work until Monday.