The last few evenings I’ve had headaches. I thought this was, in part, due to a certain mantra that I use in my rituals. It might be that I’m starting to get a virus, possibly. My son had one over the weekend and had a temperature with it. My dreams have also been slightly violent or slightly confrontational. I’ve wondered if that can be a signifier. Last night in ritual I felt very warm to say the least.  

Yesterday I had some paranoid thoughts creep in and my mind went up a gear or two. I’m pretty sure I know the trigger of it. It’s mostly to do with where I’m working. Possibly due to my body feeling warmer too. My body can feel warmer or hotter when my moods are changing too. My ears are ringing much more than normal too. It could be either or both. I guess I will find out soon enough. I’ve certainly been much more tired lately too. It’s funny how small things creep in and also make a bigger picture. My libido is pretty non existent lately too. That’s unusyal for me but I am feeling pretty balanced lately. 

I’m feeling good this morning after a good nights sleep. I’m feeling very rested. What a difference it makes. My mind could be a little slower but that’s ok. I’ve got a productive day ahead. I woke a little earlier this morning. I think my body is getting back in tune with the change of the clocks. I’m feeling good these days. Maybe even slightly ethereal at times. All is well. 

I’ve had a really productive day today and I’m going to have a good week too. Things are pretty good right now and I’m enjoying it too. Life’s pretty cool and awesome for me. I’ve had a new book arrive today called ‘financial sorcery’ and I’ve started reading it already. It’s about using sorcery and magic to help ones wealth. I had a book arrive on Friday which I’ve waited a while for ‘The Dragon Book of Essex’. I’m reading quite a lot again at the moment and mostly it’s going in too. I’m doing my rituals regularly too. It’s good having fast but not too fast thinking right now. 

I woke up a little early this morning with a little anxiety. Not much but a little. Yesterday had some confusing moments for me. I woke in the night robust the toilet too. In fact I needed to use the toilet a little more than usual yesterday.  My son has had a virus and a bit of a temperature, I hope it’s not that, but if it is then so be it.  

When I woke in the night to use the toilet I woke from a violentish dream. I was in a city, Peterborough I think, and was trying to escape from a couple of guys. I’d been working with them but somehow it ended up violent. Anyway they managed to kind of corner me around some houses with a couple of friends. Somehow I foubd or had a crow bar. I fought my way out. I hit them around the head and body with it. Just before waking I remember that I’d got them to a hospital area where there were police too. I’d fractured their heads and broken some bones in their bodies. Strange dream, but not so unusual for me this time of year. Oh well. I wonder if dreams like this are also a precursor to illness? Often this time of year I can be overworked and get a virus. It would fit with my subconscious dream state fighting off things. I had a much shorter dream about the lad who used to work for me just before getting up too.    

Today I have a choice of things I can do. I think I’ll go fix a couple of holes in a roof and then fix some brick work. I’m really enjoying my work again. 

I’ve decided that it was a good idea not to work yesterday. I’m relaxing a little today. Off out for a walk shortly. I had a lay in this morning which is unusual these days. All is good. 

I’ve realised that my rituals are also now part of my circadian rythmns. I’ve also realised that my thinking isn’t so fast these days, it’s pretty ok for me. It can be super fast. Also I’m feeling much calmer and much more in control of myself and life. All is well. Things are good. Life is good. I’m good, I’m very good. I’ve not worked today. I have been to look at work though. I looked at a very sweet old chapel that needs some re decorations. It’s almost my ideal place to live when my children have grown up. I loved it. Nice people too. I got made a cup of tea and was given a nice slice of cake too. Very nice. Life really is beautiful. 

I’ve decided not to work. I’m tired. If I get over tired I may trigger an upwards spiral. It often happens this time of the year and now I’m forewarned IM forearmed so I’ll not go in to work. I’ll rest. I’ve been on a very good level for a while now and want it to last. I want this permanently. Everything is going well and I’m not risking an episode. Usually I’m high rather than low but can get both. I’m going to stay sensible. Although it is boring. Boring can be ok though. Listening to Royal Blood instead. Very good band. 

It’s Saturday morning, I’ve had an extra half hour in bed. My morning ritual works are completed. I’ve got lots of work on at the moment so do I go in to work and get a little bit ahead and possibly get more tired or do I have a restful weekend and have more energy for next week…hmmm. I’m not sure what to do, possibly because I’m tired. Maybe I’ll go in fora few hours after my daughters riding lesson. She really wants me to watch her ride because she can canter now. That’s it. I’ll rest until after her lesson and see how I feel after that unless I feel inspired shortly to go in. Sorted.   

It’s a wet day out there already but I’m still smiling. I’ve a nice warm, dry inside job I can go and do so all is well and great. Lovely. I might finish a little early today too if the day goes well or if it’s going very well I might get even more work done. I’m really enjoying work again. I’ve not enjoyed it this much since before I had an apprentice. It’s a shame it didn’t work out but he was a bit lazy really. I’m still turning over the same money without him and there are less mistakes so from the financial perspective things should be better as there is one less wage going out.    

Magically my rituals are still ongoing as is the self insight. I’m learning lots about myself and I’m healing my past I guess. I’m not sure ‘healing my past’ is the best way of putting it because it makes me sound damaged. Working through past things in my life is maybe a better way of saying it. Anyway I’m continuing with my rituals towards the K & C of my HGA. I’ll say more soon. I’m also calling upon and using magic with the archangels too which works amazingly well and very fast. I’m learning to trust instinct fully again, although there’s nothing wrong with questioning things too because impulse can seem like instinct if I’m not careful. Life goes on. Magic goes on and learning and teaching go on. My ‘goal’ , for want of a better word, is still my illumination and enlightenment.

It’s not long until my solitary retreat now either. I’m also starting drumming lessons soon too, something I’ve thought about for years. 

It’s Thursday once again or Thors day. Day of Jupiter. It’s beautiful clear cool autmn day out there and I think it’s going to be a lovely day. I’m looking forwards to the day ahead. Im feeling pretty good and I think I’ve been feeling a little inspired lately too. Maybe wisdom is finally setting in with age. Well it certainly sounds nice when I say it. The birds are singing already too. Early bird and worm etc. My life’s fortunes seem to be turning. That’s good. Life is a blessing. Life just is. It’s what we make of it or what we see that’s important I guess. If we see doom, we attract doom. It’s not easy to fully understand this all the time though. Sometimes things really are tough. It’s the tough times that make or break us. It’s the tough times that define us. It’s the tough times that make the good times good. It’s hard to put it down in words fully. Life just is. Is that enough? I think it is. People die each day and new people are born each day. Life just is.  

I’m trying to work through myself to find out who I truly am. It’s part self psychology and part ritual magic. I want to discover ‘the real me’ inside of here. I know that I percie myself through others interpretations of my, from others projections upon me, from my parents rules and ideals when growing up, but that’s not the truest essence of who I am. ‘I’ am much more than that and much deeper than that. The ‘I’ that is the true self is in here somewhere. I need to understand ‘my’ thinking and how and why it is how it is. It’s not for everyone, although it could be. Self analysis is possibly the best form of therapy. Who can know you better than yourself? Who ever tells a therapist everything? I don’t honestly believe that it’s possible to do that. I believe it’s impossible because our thoughts change and unless we live full time with a therapist then it’s impossible. I’m not saying a very good therapist can’t and doesn’t help. I’m not suggesting others go against that. I’m talking from my own perspective and opinion. I think only I can know myself fully, openly and honestly. I’m looking forwards to my retreat so that I can find more of my true self again. I honestly believe my solitary retreat earlier this year helped me to start to fully understand myself and how I’m a little different. Let the good work continue I say.