It’s been a tough day today. I didn’t sleep very well last night and I am almost dead certain that I won’t sleep well tonight. My head is spinning. Really spinning. My appetite is down too. I’ve drank plenty of fluids and I know there are some really tough times coming. I’m not sure how I’ll handle everything but I’ve got no choice. Life just got shitty. It’s just gotten very real and nasty.
The doctor came out to see my dad today and at first things didn’t seem too bad. The chest X-ray came back as clear and he said he would phone up when he had the results of the Ultra Sound. That’s when things got really shitty. My dad has tumours on his liver. Secondary tumours. The doctor can’t be certain but it has possibly spread from primary bowel cancer although bowel cancer didn’t seem to show up on the Ultra sound. He has now put dad on the list to be seen by specialists in two weeks or less. If he deteriorates he will get him admitted to hospital straight away too. I feel seriously dazed and confused. I feel all of the emotions possible all at once. I keep welling up with tears. I don’t know what to do or what to say or think either. I do know I need to straighten myself up properly and make some calls to a few people. I started earlier. It’s not easy. I’m also looking at alternative methods of cancer cure like bicarbonate of soda and also Rick SImpson oil. It might well be too late for this though. The doctor described it as an aggressive cancer. Possibly very aggressive were the words he used. It is what it is.
I feel quite out of it. I’m kind of outside myself. I had to put on a big mask today at work or I’d of broken down. I fear all that I have to face up to as well because I need to be strong but I fear breaking down too. Not just breaking down in tears but a mental breakdown. Maybe being so aware of it will help me to deal with it. I feel like I’m going high already and I know the lack of sleep will get worse and that’s only a bad thing because sleep keeps me level mostly.
Tomorrow we have an appointment with A child psychologist with my son. Another thing in the back of my mind. I don’t feel I can write down exactly how I feel even though I know how I feel. Maybe I should. I guess I feel punished. I always feel punished. That’s the story of my life.
It’s Monday morning and it’s 6:18. I’m up and about. I’ve been awake on and off since probably 4 am. I have dozed a little and my son got up at 5:30. I’m anxious yet again. Anxious about lots of things now and I’ve been very worried about my dad all night. Each time I woke up I wondered if he’s mnaged to sleep. He’s wasting away. I just hope that they can work out what’s wrong. It’s possibly bowel cancer, Chrones disease or Colitus. My brain is more fried than it was when I blogged last night. I know I’ll wake up more fully later this morning when I start work. I’m already thinking I might have coffee this morning to get some energy moving. The big worry is it can send me off on one. I think I’m already headed that way though and it can balance me out too. I’m shaky this morning both physically and mentally. I’ve already skimmed back through what I’m writing correcting my mistakes. Maybe I’ll just leave any from here on in. I’ve got so much bouncing through my head and it’s tearing into me. I’m struggling to see because tears are welling up in my eyes. I’m hyper emotional too. I feel punished yet again and I hate self pity. Yet I feel like I am rolling in a huge pile of self pity. What if he dies soon? Even if he doesn’t he will die one day. How will it affect me? I’m so sure it’ll tip me over the edge and I really fear it. I know I’m already not handing it. The mask is getting out on even firmer than usual today, as it did when my mum was seriously ill. This is one of those times I wish I could phone her and talk to her. Fuck. Fuck it all. Life is so fucking cruel at times. Fuck it. It cruel watching someone waste away in front of you. I’ll not get into religion either! So today the doctor should come out to see my dad and he should chase up the results of the X-ray and ultra sound scan. He or she better bloody chase it up or I’m going to start getting even more involved.
So Where am I at apart from breaking inside and once again feeling unsure about my life and if I live it well. Punishment. It’s punishment. I see it clearly. I’ve been punished all my life right from birth really. I try to be good I do indeed yet it always boils down to some kind of punishment. Maybe it’s part of the path to enlightenment. Maybe I’m just delusional once again. Im fucked if I know. Why aren’t I just a normal dumb fuck plodding stupidly through life as happy as a pig in fucking shit. Im starting to envy dumb stupid people. I really am. I think today the world can go fuck itself and fuck off. The end.
Oh I’m back again. I forgot to say my ears are ringing big time. My body feels warmer than usual. My head is starting to race again and although I’m sitting still I ahave been restless in the night and feel restless right now in my body. In fact I feel a little separate from my body. It’s like driving a car. You’re in control of it while driving but it’s not part of you. You’re the bit inside trying to traverse all the outside obstacles that come your way and you’re frantically steering one way or the other and still don’t feel in control. Plus you know, this is the shitty bit, that if you want to or need to you can stop and get out of that car for good and leave it. And so the merry go round carries on. I can hear a Risset rthymn going around in my head endlessly.
It’s been a strange weird day one of those days that has been good in some ways and can fuck right off in other ways. Stressful, emotional, angry and just plain fucking tiring. My mind is going up a get and my anger and resentment is simmering just below the surface. I was in tears this morning. Before that I was elated. I’ve been angry since. I’ve been proud. I’ve been glad and I’ve been happy too. I’ve been tired. I’ve been super hyper alert. Now I think I can rest a little. I’m not sure what tomorrow might bring but I’ll face that when I have to.
So here we go I guess… This morning I got up a little later than normal. Ate breakfast almost straight away and instead of going back to bed to snooze or read I decided to go out and do some work in the garden. While out there a friend of my dads called around to have a quiet word. He told me how very unwell my dad really is. I’ve basically not spoken to him for nearly two years. A neighbor of my dads told me a couple of weeks ago he’s not well so I emailed to check on him. He told me irritable bowel syndrome. It seems it’s possibly a lot more serious. He’s been for X-rays and an ultra sound scan late last week. He’s lost over 1 1/2 stone in the last 4-5 weeks too. So this morning I went to visit him. He really is unwell. I wasn’t shocked when I saw him. He wa glad I’d visited. I stayed a while. He asked if I’d go visit him again and I said of course I would and would phone tomorrow night and visit during the week.
Once home my wife and I talked briefly about it. Then we carried on in the garden. We loaded up some tree timings to take to the rubbish dump/recycle yard. On the way back we bought food to have in the garden with the kids. By then it was late afternoon and I then had a sneaky 25-30 minute nap and was woken by my phone ringing. I looked. It was my dads number. I answered but it rang off so I called back. His friend answered. He said that they thought he needed an ambulance and that he was refusing to let them call one. I jumped in my van and dashed over. By the time I got thee he had agreed to let them call for one. Paramedics came out and spent an hour checking things over. His vitals were ok and they thought it best not to take him to A & E as he might wait 6-8 hours only to get sent home again. The paramedics called the on-call Doctor who said that he would fax the local doctors surgery and insist that he get seen tomorrow preferably with a home visit. The doctor can then phone and get the results and if needed get him straight onto a ward rather than wait.
It’s hitting me. I’ve got anger at things simmering away. I’ve got emotion running wild and I think it’s possibly triggering me to go high again. I’ll see. I’m shattered from today. It’s hit hard. I’ll try going to bed early and calm it right down. I can sense how tense I am and I’m feeling distant from my family again. I just don’t know. I just don’t know what to think or do. It’s not easy. It’s brought home once again about my mums death. I guess I’m strong. Maybe stronger than I realise at times. I do seriously fear that if or when things go bad with my dads illness it will send me way off the rails or into another breakdown. I’m already thrown by it all…. Who knows what might happen.
I guess life’s short and at times we feel invincible or even immortal.
It’s Saturday evening already. Where’s the day gone. We im feeling pretty level but pretty inspired and ive had nearly half a bottle of wine too! I don’t normally drink but hey ho. Well this morning I had a lay in until just after 7 and then got up, ate breakfast, had a cuppa and a little time up then went back to bed briefly to read. Well I i tended to read. I opened a book on my iPad in kindle. The next thing I knew was waking up, the iPad was locked as I’d been asleep but, and this is a weird BUT, as I looked at it I saw red weighting on it briefly and heard a voice in my head. I tried to read the writing and listen to the voice but alas it was a no go. I’m intrigued now. Was it halucinations or just that strange state between sleep and waking? I do dream very quickly after falling asleep but I’m sure I was dreaming about permaculture as that’s what I had been reading. Plus the kindle book doesn’t have red weighting either! Very strange. Maybe it was a message from Sirius B, where I’m from originally. Sirius is where I was given some secret information and secret 3d star maps too.
Oh well all becomes clear in the fullness of time, or so I’ve been told by others. Let’s wait and see. My only fear is that it was an important message, but maybe that’s ok and its logged in my higher consciousness
It is looking like today could be an oh fuck day. The results are coming in from the general election and it’s not looking good. It’s looking like the conservative party will get enough seats for a majority. I wouldn’t normally post about something like this but the wider implications are huge. The conservatives want to chop the NHS up and sell it all off so that it becomes private. Free healthcare could well disappear. They want to cut spending everywhere and mental health will suffer from these cuts. They also want to get us out of Europe and also they want to abolish human rights. Why abolish human rights? That really cannot be good. In fact it sounds awful. Thway will try to push through hunting again. They victimise the poor, they’ve created workfare schemes that allow employers to have people who are on benefits work for free. The list goes on. They are out to protect the wealthy and the knock on effect is that environmental issues won’t be as important. None of this is good for this country or for the world. People are asleep to the devastation that is going on. Fracking will once again be pushed. Where did it all go so wrong for us? I guess this is all more relevant than it at first seems regarding what this blog is about, mental health and bipolar/cyclothymia. The limits will once again be pushed. Yes it could well be an oh fuck kind of day.
Ok so I woke at just after 5 again. Luckily I dozed again for a while until 5:50. Life goes on. I’m not feeling too bad although my ears are ringing and I was late going to sleep. Let’s see what the day ahead brings.
Everything has calmed down a bit. Things are going ok and I’ve immersed myself in permaculture ideas. It’s a fantastic way to live and to reap great benefits from the world. I think I’ve levelled right off though and that’s a bit boring to be honest but at the same time it’s bloody good to be on a level mood wise. I always question if this is really a normal type of mood set or if it’s all just more delusions. Who knows. I certainly don’t because they kind of morph from one into the other slightly, unless I drop into depression. Then it’s a massive nose dive into the abyss. Anyway so far so good, I’m still breathing, the world is still going around and it’s looking like it’s going to be a nice sunny day. Jolly good. I need to get my arse in gear over a few jobs but that’ll come no problem.
I find that when I’m level like this I think that there’s actually nothing wrong with my mental health at all. I feel a bit fraudulent and fake but then it can all change in an instant, quite literally. So I enjoy the good energy and moods while they last, I enjoy the highs however short lived or however long as long as I don’t go fully off my rocker and I try to prepare mentally for the lows. I’m still seeking enlightenment and enlightenment is still seeking me. Maybe I’ll get to the end of my life and realise I was always there or ‘here’ as all these new age gurus would put it. I see my life as a constantly moving transition of my evolution as a spiritual being. I’m still trying to live the way I know is correct. In fact possibly more so than ever before. Permaculture ties in with the Taoist and Buddhist ideals I try to live by as well as the ritual magick, mediation, sourcery and alchemy too.
Ah meditation. I’ve not had the right mind frame to meditate properly for a while now. I’ve had fleeting meditations and that’s ok. I know that if I push it when my mind isn’t quite right then it’s detrimental, much the same as reading. When my mind goes up a few notches those things go out the window and I get lost on all manner of obsessions like Facebook and Twitter etc. I can see now that I am on there less and less so my mental health is getting back into a good balance pint albeit a very precarious one as always but that’s life baby!
It’s looking like it’ll be a wet rainy day today. I’ve got some work I can do inside for a while on one job then a window to paint at home too. I’m loving my work again at the minute. I’m tired though this morning!
I had a customer ring me last night because I’d not finished something on his window. He didn’t sound like he believed that my van had been in the garage most of last week. Oh well.
I need to get my arse in gear and organise some things regarding work and jobs so that there’s not such a huge overlap with things. I’ll maybe have time later today. I don’t want to get over tired but I need to get cracking with some things though and push some things forwards!
It’s Tuesday already and it’s the beginning of my working week. I’m feeling warm and my ears are ringing a fair bit. I’m not overly anxious either. I’m not sure what the weather is going to do but I’ve got things I can get on with anyway. I like being busy with work. I’m sat here wondering what I can do next week and I need to write a list. Once at work everything will pop back into my memory. I need to get back to meditating. It keeps me well. It keeps me balanced too and I think I need to find balance again.
We went to Norwich on Sunday and I bought superman trainers. I like them because they’re a little different, like me, and I have superpowers but it’s a secret. One of my powers is being able to see through situations, not always my own, but others. While there on Sunday I heard lots of sirens. I’m not sure if they were all real or not because my wife and family didn’t hear all of them and I did ask them. That worried me a little because up until now any hallucination has been visual not auditory. Well I do get smells too so I guess that’s not the only one.
I’ve noticed that my small muscles between my lower rear right ribs are in spasm on and off. That’s not so good. It can lead to bigger spasms. I had it a year or more ago and ended up physically unwell. It’s not the first time either. Hopefully it’ll go away.
I’m into week two of working out again and I can see the shape returning to my muscles. I should start to put some weight on too as they fill it. It’s an amazing process to see happen on and in my own physical body. My mind to muscle connection is strong too.
We’ve been out today up to Norwich. I needed trainers. I bought some normal type ones and some superman trainer boots. They’re so fantastic. I love them. I might look silly in them or even look an idiot but I really don’t care. I’m superb. I’m feeling superb too.
I’ve been up and down so much this last week it’s shocking. I’m hoping it either levels off or I go up again asap. Either way I’ll be ok. I always am. I guess I don’t have much choice in it so it’s better to accept it than to fight it. Although I do fight it at times. I try hard to just flow like water, as Bruce Lee said ‘be like water my friend’. Life is life and I will deal with what it throws up when it throws it at me. I’m ready to move forwards in life yet again. The last 3 or so years since I went through a breakdown I’ve been stagnant and have been living a life of fear and escapism. From now on I will move forwards even more. No holding back with my dreams and our dreams. Life is precious and short and I will make the best of it
Last night it was about midnight or just after before I went to sleep. Normally it’s 10-10:30 at the latest. Most of the past week it’s been 10pm. I’ve been pretty tired all week but I’m getting some energy back. I didn’t finish work until 5:40pm yesterday and was shattered. I considered not working out and just sitting down but I didnt. Nope. I got in and then did a workout followed by sawing some wood up. Then I helped my son do some black smithing making another coat hook. All good. I know often when I work late I get wired and vice versa. It ends up being a huge circle that I go around and around in. I’m never sure which way around it is. I guess it’s both. One triggers the other depending on where I’m at mentally. Also because I was working on a roof yesterday my hips ache today.
Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’m tired but I’ll rest later. I’ll take it easy this weekend too. Although I’d like to get some things done in the garden.