It’s Friday morning already and the first week back at work is almost over. It’s been a blur. It still is a blur. It wasn’t until last night when I emailed a friend that I realised I am living hour by hour and day by day. Sitting here now is quite shocking. Shocking because I nearly wasn’t. Shocking because I have got to realise. I’m living hour by hour and day by day. I feel like I have a big stick and am pushing things so that they are just out of reach. I’m not explaining it that well I guess because I haven’t goalie what mean exactly but I kind of mean any decisions about anything. I’m mentally doing the same with work too. The inner voices are there at times but not at others. My thinking isn’t always clear and rational.
Last night I slept for an hour and a half when I got in from work and slept solidly too. The only issue with that was it meant I didn’t go toned until midnight but I really needed the sleep. It’s so tricky and such a mind fuck. I’m trying to get mycircadians back on track but if I hadn’t had the short sleep after work I could of ended up shattered or wired. I’m not sure what is the right thing to do. Anyway I had a bath last night, well I think I did, and while in there I had a moment of absolute clarity. A moment of being fully present and it was bliss for that instance.
Lately I have been full space cadet. I guess I am living with a lack of full control at the minute and I guess that fucks me over but I have no other choice than to ride it out or to die. Last night I did contemplate going up the garden but it didn’t last for long even though it cropped up a few times. They were only fleeting thoughts though. Anyway day by day or hour by hour has to be ok for now.
So after going to the doctors yesterday and him seeing a lot of urgency in my mental state I relaxed a but and then went high last night. A mini high. This morning I’m struggling yet again. I couldn’t sleep straight away last night even though I went to bed about 10. It must of been about midnight when I forced myself to turn the light off and try going to sleep. Had I not of done that I would of been awake for hours. My alarm woke me this morning and I can’t be arsed with thinking about work right now but as usual I’ll force myself to go in, wear my ‘I’m ok everything is ok’ mask.
Ah I almost forgot. Yesterday afternoon I went to try getting almost finished on a job that I was doing before Christmas. The people there are really nice and the guy is also bipolar. Anyway I had told them I hadn’t been well last week with the cough etc I had and they asked how I was and I ended up telling them all about the doctors and why I had been. They were both so kind about it. It really touched me. They said I have done exactly what I should do and the woman said she was so proud of me for realising I need to get help. People like that amazement and really make me see how nice the world is. What lovely kind people.
Ok so back to now. I’m anxious as fuck yet again and I have so many fears about everything. The doctor was more than true to his word. Yesterday afternoon the mental health hospital at Helesdon phoned up to sort out an appointment. I will call them this morning because right now I feel desperate again. I’m sick and tired of this mixed episodes that I’m having. Countless mood changes in each day. I must just hang in there I guess but I know it’s going to take ages to get some kind of help. It’s like there are two or more of me. The real me inside, the worker me who carries on even in breaking point, the family man me who tries to hold it together at home even though at times I’m not. Who is the real me though? Who?
I have been to see the doctor this morning. I told him enough for him to listen properly in the short space of time a doctors appointment has. He is fast tracking me fotr psychiatric assessment. He said there are big elements of bipolarism. He offered medication for anxiety and anything else if I wanted them. I explained why I prefer not to and he totally understood and agreed that for me it’s probably the best thing. I have to say I was amazed at how well he listened. He’s told me I will be seen by psychiatrics in 3-5 days which is a huge relief. I feel a little less crazy now. My moods are still chopping and changing lots. I did have huge anxiety whilst in there because he had to talk to someone briefly and while waiting for a reply I waited outside. When asked back in he had a syringe and some anaesthetic cream on his desk. It made me paranoid and anxious that he wanted blood. Luckily he didn’t. I know ive started on a long road but at least I’m traveling it properly and not alone any more. I’m just glad he listened and was openminded.
I am going to the doctors today and I’m as anxious as hell. I don’t know where to start or how much to say. I’m already paranoid that they will say I need to go away or to take time off work. I’m so busy right now it would be impossible. I thought I would feel much better today because I felt almost ok last night. I’m tired of wanting to escape myself and my life. I don’t think I can be fully open with anyone anymore. I hide myself behind the mask I wear. Most see me as the joking builder who is always ok but the reality is inside I’m dying. People don’t want to know about someone with a broken mind or a mental illness and you can’t see it either. I’m tired. If I tell my wife I need a holiday she says that I’m not the only one. I know she could do with a break. I don’t think she realises how desperate I am to escape,use of as much as anyone else. I just want to sleep forever. I feel like I’ve been strong for too long, that enough is enough now, that I allow too many people to think I’m ok. So what do I tell the doctor? I fear saying too much. I fear being ridiculed or not fully understood. Mostly I fear that I will fix the mask on even better and will act that it’s not so bad and I shouldn’t of made an appointment. Last time I went, almost 2 years ago, I barely scratched the surface with what I told them.
I have anxiety yet again. I had it yesterday too on and off. Yesterday was yet another day of highs and lows. I ended up in tears last night before bed, yet after drumming I felt level or high. I finished work at 3:10pm because I couldn’t cope any longer and came home to bed for an hour. I feel like I’m a shell of myself at times and at others I am fully alive. How can it be minutes inbetween each of these? I’m not sure how much to say to the doctor tomorrow either. One minute anxiety and paranoia, one minute a hollow shell, one minute level and one minute higher than high awesome. It’s fucking tiring. I feel like my body, let alone my mind, can’t cope too much longer. Every time I think I’m getting on top of it all it goes tits up. My life isn’t real. I’m an actor playing a role. My dreams seem real half the time and both are mixed up and at times I can’t distinguish between them.
I hope tomorrow I don’t hide behind my mask although I’m sure I will. I’m sure I’ll play it down. I did before because I was scared shitless. I’m scared now. I’m tired of it all. I just want to run away.
I’m tired of trying and trying and getting nowhere. I’m tired of trying to find out who I am. I’m tired of fucking up. I’m tired of people taking the piss out of my good nature. I’m tired.
I have booked a doctors appointment because I reached a point this morning where I felt I had cracked. Too often I put things off. This morning I felt at crisis point and just had no answers. I felt like everyone tells me what I want to hear or they tell me what to do. The internal clatter in my head is beyond what it has been before. I want to go to sleep forever. I have fucked up all of my friendships. I make my wife unhappy. My stepdaughters avoid me and I’m pretty sure they don’t like me anymore. Friends seem to come and go. I just want to be alone forever. I’m not sure I can cope anymore. I’m tired of wearing my mask and being ‘ok’ when others ask. I am tired.
I am anxious yet again. I am off Facebook because I need to get my head around everything. I need to retreat into myself once again. I’m shocked at what I did last night yet not surprised in some ways. I feel glad that I’m here writing this right now. My anxiety is building though. I am levelling off from being so mixed or at least I hope I am. Lately I have had anger and rage build up so fast it can be worrying. The last few weeks I have pushed my mind and body too far I think and this is the moment of payback that always happens. My cough has almost subsided and that is a relief. My neck is sore from last night but that’s ok. I can deal with that. The mental torture I put myself through is what I need to control now. I have to reassess what my triggers are. I am not going to be drinking for a while now or at least I’m going to try not too. Retreat into self is the way I know that works. I must sleep soon and get my circadian rhythms back on track. I need to eat and sleep properly again. I could do with more time off work but that will come. I am looking forwards to getting back to the routine of work on Monday and really hope it balances my fucking crazy mind. Yesterday seems such a long way away and that’s good.
Last night my dreams were nightmares. I dreamt about both my parents. Both my parents are already dead. I can only vaguely remember the dream about my dad but I do remember the dream about my mum. I had my daughter with me and we were visiting my mum. Ah fuck it I’m not so sure it’s important about all the details. Anyway in the dream my mum had a type of blood cancer and I knew I could help cure her with alternative methods. She was unsure and didn’t want to listen. She had a team of people come to visit her, possibly McMillan, and she asked them about alternative cancer cures and they almost laughed. She listened to them over me and chose not to take any advice from me. It ended up in all kinds of anger between us and I decided I couldn’t stay and watch her waste away and die. I guess there’s lots of hidden meaning in these dreams. Maybe it’s less than hidden.
This is the hardest most honest post I have ever written. It will shock some people and to be sitting here writing it seems ironic. I’m not sure where to start. I’ll just start. A very short while ago my daughters cat saved me. She stopped me in my tracks. I had walked up our garden and had got toy children’s rope swing. I had just gathered two of the bits of rope out of the three that are tied to the tree and the tyre. I had wrapped the two around my neck and had just lowered my weight into the rope. I was just feeling light headed and about to choke when my daughters cat appeared and meowed at my feet. It stopped me. I gained some control and took the rope from around my neck and gathered some composure. I called her to take her in. Once I got her in I was about to go back out but couldn’t. My neck hurts a little now and I feel stupid and weak. I can’t even do that. How fucking stupid. So I’m here. Ive written this because I need to put it down. I’m not sure why it for what reason. I am a twat. It’s that simple. I can’t even kill myself. Do I question why it happened how it did? Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to think there was a reason. I’m fucked if I know. So there it is. My most honest post. I am a weak twat.
Where do I start. What can I say. Often what I write down in here is still not fully me or fully open. My mind can be a very dark place. I struggle more than I ever tell most people. I keep people away or push them away. I’m lonely. I have too many fears in life now and they grow. Often I punish myself mentally for how I am. The hole gets deeper. I don’t care for all the new year new me bullshit. I change when I’m ready to change. If I am to talk about calendar years then last year, like most lately, I’m glad to see the back of for the most part. I am still struggling to deal with my mums death from a few years ago and now also my dads death from last year. The pain is too close and I don’t wear it well. I have been physically unwell the last weekend mentally unwell for a long while even though I thought I was level.
Looking back I have been really rapid cycling. I am still unable to read or mediate very much. My head is constantly in a state of turmoil and yesterday I was scared shitless when a friend went off radar for a few hours. The last contact I had with her was when she told me how lonely she was. I thought the worst. I thought she had taken her life. She has tried before a few times. I was scared she had. I’ve not met her physically yet but I have a lot of respect for her. She was there when I was at my lowest and she talked me through some very dark suicidal feelings. More than suicidal feeling if I’m honest. Somehow she managed to message me as I was about to get a rope out and hang myself. It’s not the first time I’ve come close to either hanging myself or stepping in front of a lorry. Several times I’ve stopped my van at a cross roads and waited for a lorry only to not get out and walk out because I would hate to do it to the driver. Luckily for me my friend had gone out and forgotten her phone. She was out for most of the day. Anyway I know I’m a serious fuck up in lots of ways but in others I am a pretty ok person. Life goes on regardless of who is alive or dead.