I’ve been up and down a fair bit today with my moods. Right now I’m on a short fuses. A very short fuse. I think I’m overtired now. Earlier this morning I had a slight manic episode so I had to go out and skip. It worked in that it released some energy quickly. Now I’m feeling pretty grumpy. I’ve been busy all day and have also tried getting some things done here at home. I need some quiet space. My thoughts are racing again and I’ve just realised how tense my neck and shoulders are, plus I’ve been half clenching my jaw too. I’d go out and skip but I’m tired and don’t want to get more tired and drop my mood off even more, but maybe it would raise my mood.?.  Anyway I’m sticking to instinct for now and not skipping, if I feel tense and edgy still a little later I might need to go and do some. 

My ears are ringing and I’ve read that that can be a warning sign. I’m a tiny bit warmer than usually so I better keep an eye on things. At least I’m aware I guess!

Had to skip just now as I was getting hyper manic. It’s worked hopefully.

I’ve nothing much to say. 

I’m a little tired and I’m a little anxious. Not as anxious as usual, but slightly. I’m tired.

I fell asleep on the sofa at maybe 8:50 pm last night, not a deep sleep, and went up to bed at 9:15. I wasn’t awake until my alarm actually went off at 5:45 this morning. I’m surprised I slept so long. I guess I needed it. I had been meditating son the sofa and had reached full awareness and full presence. I’d reached a state of no mind and relaxed into it. Then I fell asleep. Maybe I’d relaxed so much that my body allowed me to drift off. I guess I must of been carrying a little tenseness in me. 

My ears are ringing slightly this morning and my body temperature is slightly warmer too. My body gets warmer when I’m a little stressed but I’m not feeling stressed, it might be heat from the qigong that I’ve done, it might be a warning sign though so I’ll keep conscious of it. I did feel like my stomach was odd last night after work. It felt half cramped, like it might be slightly upset. Hmm.

If I feel like I’m not at my best today I’ll go easy on myself. 

My anxiousness from this morning has subsided quite a lot and I`m actually feeling pretty OK again. Life is pretty good. I have realised I need to be the change I want to see in the world, in my world. I need to get off social media a lot more and to keep plugging away at my own development and my own life. I have achieved quite a lot today and am feeling pleased with myself, something I used to worry about because of ego. Now I see nothing wrong with being quietly happy with my achievements. Its just that usually I get caught up in my own greatness. In believing I`m superior and that everyone else is going slow or that they could do more than they do in life. Quiet, happy confidence is OK now I figure, as long as I keep it in check.

I`m feeling like I`m on a real roll of late, although I did start to get very hyper-manic last night but did notice the warning signs. My wife noticed them too and was quite concerned. In fact she took herself off upstairs out of the way because she felt she wouldn`t be able to cope with it, but luckily I managed to keep a lid on it by going outside and exercising and then calming down. We also managed to have a really lovely chat about it afterwards, which really meant a lot to me. I asked her if next time it starts to happen to try to come and have a quiet word with me, which I know isn`t at all easy for her as in the past I have been extremely grumpy with her if she has tried to intervene. Fingers crossed next time she will try it out and I will be positive in acknowledging what she has to say.

I love the feeling of having some power over how I feel after all of the years of trying to improve myself and then crashing at something. Hopefully now with being conscious of red flags and triggers I can try my best to keep a lid on things and become a much kinder, nicer person. That is my aim anyway. I am still also seeking my own enlightenment and still meditate and do practice to help work with my higher self. I guess its a lifelong work that I have on my hands. Lots of study and lots of self learning.

Spring is really starting to show through here. The trees in the garden are blossoming, the birds are singing away, the weather is turning warmer and the days are getting longer. It’s a good feeling to be alive right now.

I’ve been up a while and have already practiced qigong outside. I’m feeling a little anxious again this morning. I’m anxious about money, as usual. I know it’ll be ok but it doesn’t stop my brain from trying to work through all of the scenarios and trying to find solutions. The trouble I’ve had in the past is the solutions I can find can cost money, so this time I’m just knuckling down and working hard. I’m not going to put time or money into something that just costs more money. I’m just going to keep doing my work and earning the money. Also in the past when I’ve felt anxious like this I think the bills I’m sending to customers look high so I cut the amount back, which makes it tighter still for me, not this time. I can’t do it as I’ll end up back where I always am, so not this time. Anyway I’m feeling the usual anxiousness that goes with it. I just need to knuckle down and I know I’ll be alright. I always survive. Whatever happens its not going to kill me, not unless I mattress too much and make myself get an illness.

Knuckle down, work hard, try to have fun and the money will come in.

It’s been a good day today. I’m feeling good and I’ve worked out too. Long may it last.

I started to wind up a notch a little bit earlier and realised it too, which is really good. At least I’m noticing these things a little more now. I am a little fearful though that feeling this good wont last and I won’t notice the triggers either or the red flags. I’ve also noticed I start to get some negative type thoughts even when I’m feeling amazing. I try to trick myself that things aren’t good or that something might be about to go wrong. I get paranoid that its going to fail and I guess that’s natural for me. Well maybe it was natural before and maybe now I’m more aware I can notice my thoughts even more and change them.  Lets see.

Do dreams have meanings?                              I believe that they do. Our subconscious minds work away constantly trying to work through issues in life and trying to iron things out. I used to keep a dream diary and I got really good at interpreting my dreams. Maybe the dream world is just as real as this world. I dream in colour with sound too. I’ve read that most dream in black and white. If we learn to interpret our dreams does that also help us understand ourselves better? Does it help to keep us on a good level if it does help us to work through anxieties or issues. I used to have some pretty extreme dreams.

What about our aims and goals in life too? They’re called dreams. Were they first called dreams be a use people mocked those who dared to be different or dared to set goals, thus people told them that they’re living in a dream world?  Maybe this is a dream world too and death just means we wake up in another place and world. Maybe it’s a continuos cycle of living like that. Maybe nothing is ever fully tangible or real in reality. 

I’m up and about at my usual time. I’ve practiced my qigong too. I woke up from a strange dream in which a customer who conned me out of money was trying to kill me. She had a new fella and had him arrange to get me murdered. Very strange. They also had set traps around her property so that people would get injured.

I have practiced my qigong outside a twice this morning and have come inside and started coughing. There’s warnings of high or very high air pollution here today. I wonder if its anything to do with that? Or am I being paranoid? I’m not sure, but I do have to work outside today. 

I’m feeling pretty good this morning and I’m keeping quite strictly to my routine of life. Maybe that’s what’s helping. I had a haircut last night too which helps. I have very short hair, almost shaved bald and I find it helps to keep my mind clearer although I read recently about Native American trackers loosing their ‘senses’ if they had their hair cut off. Maybe that’s why one of their punishments was to scalp people. Funny how I function better with short hair though!

Is the mind of a person with so called mental illness like bipolar disorder or Cyclothymia  a blessing or a curse? I find it more of a blessing for me as I feel that my intuition is very strong. The flip side is the drop offs scan be brutal and fast. 

I’m looking to start working out more regularly with proper weights too. I wonder how that might affect my mindset? I’m certainly feeling reasonably balanced lately.