I’m levelling off I think after feeling really mixed up, possibly a mixed episode of close to a week and a half. Last Friday night I slept in the tent with my children, I woke at 2:30 and didn’t sleep again until 5:30 or so. I’m sure that this was partly because I’m mixed but also didn’t help either. On Saturday I really struggled and we went up to the city. My wife was in pain so I kind of took full responsibility for all of us and was far from my best. I even had some hallucinations. Anyway I feel like I’ve levelled off again a little. I actually had a good nights sleep. I had one mildly strange dream that I can remember but it wasn’t so far from normal. I dreamt I was at a trackday. It was almost lunchtime and I’d only just arrived. It had its own issues going on. Lots of small struggles going on like being late for a start. I guess it signifies my anxiety at things and how all those small struggles build up to anxiety.
I’ve got my van back from the garage now with an MOT on it so that’s eased my mind lots. I had been told earlier last night that it was f*cked, which was the last thing I needed to hear. It sent me down so fast I couldn’t see a way out and had a few suicidal thoughts very briefly. I guess when my moods get mixed I’m on the knife edge all the time. Luckily for me I had texted my wife earlier yesterday morning telling her some things about my feelings and also asked her to remind me last night to go to bed earlier than I have been. It’s a big step for me to relinquish responsibility like that to another person and yet another big step to actually listen when told. It’s not often that I’ll need her to remind me of that but it’s so important for me to keep really regular circadian rhythms. If they get thrown out, especially my sleep, it takes at least a week to get back on track. Hopefully this weekend I’ll get lots of rest. Hopefully next week I can get my workouts back on track too because they really help balance me.
Anyway rest is what’s needed this weekend along with some meditation and some reading. If I had lots of good energy I would be off to Shropshire tomorrow or tonight but I’m not even going to consider it.
I’ve slept about. 8 1/2 hours last night but I’m feeling shattered right now. I could go back to bed. My stomach feels really empty. I slept pretty solidly but feel like my dreams were so active that I didn’t get any rest. I’m a bit concerned in case I’m headed down. I certainly feel like I’m mixed at the moment. Life is just happening. I think I need to get off the forum I’ve joined as I’m getting addicted to it. It’s because my mind is unsettled. I’m wondering if being on it and reading stuff are actually triggers. I’ll only find out if I get stronger and avoid it. I feel so week and feeble over things like this these days because I’m usually really strong willed. If it is a trigger then I guess the only way forwards is to avoid any kind of social interaction for a while again, possibly forever. I’m not sure. Maybe I do need to become a hermit after all. Maybe it’s part of my path to enlightenment. It seems my path is always a winding one. I need to try to meditate this morning as I’ve really struggled with it lately and have hardly meditated at all. I guess I need to relax. That is definitely what I need to do.
Sometimes I feel like my life is a story that I’m just looking in on. I’m part of the audience not the actual participant. It’s like I’m watching things happen instead of making them happen. I’m just caught up in the story. I’m not sure what makes me feel like this or how it starts to happen. I’m not sure why either. Is there a trigger that I’m not seeing? I know that I seem to fear so many thing in life, things that I never feared before. I guess I need to get my head around things again. Every time I move forwards I feel thwarted. I used to blame others but not any more. It’s just me as always. I guess at least I’m facing up to things now instead of denying them.
How can I be more in myself? Do I analyse too much? I really don’t know. I know that if I didn’t analyse so much I wouldn’t have gotten as far as I have already. I guess at least I’m aware that things in my life are down to me. That’s good.
Last night I couldn’t focus properly on much. I did do a workout earlier in the evening which was great but afterwards things kind of seem a little blank. I know my memory has been affected lately. I’m starting to forget things and starting to get behind on some stuff again just as I was getting on top. As I was getting the shower temperature right for my daughter I saw an insect/bug on the side of the bath but it wasn’t there. It was a hallucination. As I got in bed I tried to read but couldn’t focus at all either. I fear my mood is changing or my illness is changing or getting worse. I put my books down and meditated instead, which was ok, but as I came around from it I had what I’d say was a mild panic attack about dying. Something kind of hit me and I lay there thinking ‘I’m going to die, I will die’. I didn’t think I was dying right then but was thinking about the future. I couldn’t get my head around it at all. Then it passed and I went to sleep. My sleep wasn’t the best again last night. I slept well but my dreams were odd again. I’ve just remembered I had a thought crop up as I tried to meditate. I imagined a scenario where I was sitting down with Stephen Fry to talk about mental health. I said to him that I’d already had the conversation in my mind. Then I thought it was a silky thought which switched back to thinking about chatting with him. I then told him I’d thought about thinking about chatting with him. Pretty nuts really.
This morning I’m not sure where I’m at other than I feel pretty ok again apart from some kind of pain in my chest area.
I’ve managed to fit a workout in tonight! I’m so pleased. I did thighs and and I feel great. I visited a customer earlier and spent most of the time talking about art which was great. I didn’t know he liked art so much.
Today I’ve felt really good. I need better sleep but I know it will settle back down again. My dreams are still very odd and strange. I thought I was getting higher still today at work. On the way there this morning I started getting pretty anxious. I’m not sure why. It wasn’t because we were a little late, in fact I was relaxed about that. Anyway work was great. Life is great too. I love being me I’m awesome.
Last night I slept almost all the way through, it’s been over a week, I did wake up when my wife got home and used the toilet. My dreams were strange again and one of my dreams was about fighting against my dad, we don’t speak. I also woke a few times with whatlike pains in my left kidney. They were certainly in the left side of me and I had to roll over. They were noticeable enough to wake me slightly. Maybe it wasn’t my kidney but it felt like it. I’m hoping that I’ve got plenty of energy for the day ahead today and that I’m getting back on track with my sleep. Usually I sleep well which is a huge bonus in helping to control my moods. They do fluctuate though. I chatted with someone last night who thinks I’m more bipolar than Cyclothymic. Maybe I need to go visit a different doctor instead of the one who I saw last time and get a referral. I know that I just about function in society but often I’m wearing my builders mask and inside I’m confused. I’ve noticed my short term memory is playing up which is highly unusual for me, it’s usually really good as is my long term memory. I don’t want to get worse with my condition, I actually fear that I am getting worse and that I’m loosing control and loosing my mind.
I have noticed that I’m seeing slightly more dark shapes. I’m not sure if this is my psychic ability or if I’m hallucinating. My ears are certainly hearing different noises. I don’t want it to be delusions that’s for sure. I’m aware of it all so does that help or does it not matter? I’m not sure. Either way I need to keep a close check on it. I run my own business, as I’ve said before, and sometimes I work alone so I don’t always have someone ‘keeping an eye’ on me. Not that I need it normally. I’m just very aware of these things right now. My hearing has just kind of gone slightly muffled. I don’t know. I’ll keep an eye on myself. Two if possible. Also I need to stay off a bipolar forum that I’ve joined as I’m becoming addicted. I don’t want it to become my new addiction. It’s a really helpful place though.
I’m not sure where I’m at lately. I feel like I’m here but not here kind of like I’m in another world or a being from another world. Today I’ve had good energy but I can only vaguely remember some details. Is it from lack of good sleep because of my dreams or is it just me? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m high in a different way to normal? Hmmm. Not sure what it is. I’ll just keep on keeping on!
Life is strange. My life is anyway. Just as I feel like I’m on too of things or getting on too I seem to be behind again. How does that happen? I’m always catching up and chasing myself but to what ends? I honestly don’t know. Maybe I’ve finally lost the plot fully? Maybe there was no plot. I can hear the high pitch going up and down in my ears again tonight. I need to sleep soon.
My sleep wasn’t great again last night. My daughter woke just before 4 am to use the toilet and called me then at 5:50 am my son came in our room wanting to get up. My dreams were pretty odd again last night too. I’m not feeling too anxious this morning though, although I’m still a little tired. It’s funny how I normally sleep really well and take it for granted until it gets mixed up a bit. It’s not good that’s for sure although I’m reasonably ok but it might be I’m headed for a high or mixed episode, I’m not sure. I’m taking caprylic acid and acidophilus to balance my stomachs bacteria so it could be connected to the candida die off. I’ve certainly craved sweet or sugary things this weekend, but I do that when I’m tired too so it’s a hard one to gauge. I’ll keep an eye on it all and will possibly take the caprylic acid every other day for a while.
My van needs to go into the garage for some work to be done and normally it would create mental pressure for me but I’m actually pretty relaxed about it to be honest.
Sitting here in bed and my ears are ringing or making noises. Maybe it’s in my head. It almost sounded musical. Like a high pitch noise being turned up and down in volume and pitch. I’m not relaxed and not feeling sleepy yet either. I don’t want to not sleep tonight. I’ve got a tune in my head too as well as the noises. A pulsing too.