I’m not a wage slave as such as I run a business. I am however a slave to money. A slave to  debt. A slave to credit. I’m constantly trying to push past it.  I’ve realised the last week or so that even if I market garden I know my work as a builder inside out and it’s where I can maybe make the most money for now. Only yesterday someone said I’m at my peak as I’m still young and fit and at my earning premium. He said I should milk the cash cow that is my business and not be afraid to charge properly for my services. Confidence, or lack thereof, has affected how i price work and what I charge. It’s time to release those shackles and to get my confidence back. Real confidence not some shitty bipolar false confidence. I guess this is another facet of recovery.  Recover now there’s a word. I’ve had some blips lately. I’m tired that’s for sure and I’m being strict again over my sleep patterns. It’s funny that I’m tired now I’m getting more sleep. I think my body is relaxing now from so much that’s been pent up inside for the last few years. So much to think about. So much to regain.  So much to register and look back upon the countless lessons there are to learn. Lessons which maybe happened because I was in an almost never ending episode since 2012 onwards. I need to face the fact I’ve lost, spent and been conned out of tens of thousands. Time to get things back in line. Luckily most lessons were short and sharp. Time to learn from them and move on with life. A time to stop mourning or lamenting any past happenings and past episodes in life. 

I’m tired. It’s only 8:08pm and I’m tired. I could sleep. I’ve noticed my thoughts are a little faster. My ears are ringing a little. I’m aware that soon it will be the date of the birth of the man who fathered me. A strange time. A strange time of year too. Dreams and reality. The year turns. Lots of things tire me.  Riddles in the dark.  Bipolar is like a tv  programme. You never know what an episode may bring. Do I still write this for myself now I wonder? I’ve wondered today about not writing anymore. I’ve said lots.  Is there more to say? Maybe I’ll talk about death. Death is avoided by most. Well the subject is not the actual dying. We all die.  We don’t all get to choose how or when we die. Is suicide really so bad? Is it really so far out there in societies ‘norms’ so as to be frowned upon? We all die. We will all be dead one day. I wonder what I wonder? Hmmm I wonder.  Wonderful wondrous wonder.  It’s all shit and bullshit. 

Life never ceases to amaze me.  Things can often seem to go in cycles and circles.  Things repeat or crop up.  People you think have been gone from your life suddenly appear or you think about them.  Sometimes these things are in dreams too. What to make of it. I sometimes wonder about friends I’ve not seen for a while.  I wonder about making contact but am never sure if I should or if they’d want to hear from me.  It’s a strange world.  Lots to think about and ponder always. This time of year o often wonder about life and those who have gone from my life.  Maybe it’s just that.  Hmmmm

A day of anxiety so far. I struggled to eat breakfast and since leaving the house I’ve struggled at times to keep it in. I’m shattered. I’m anxious and I’m very aware that September 13th would of been my dads birthday and that dates are triggers. This time I’m watchful. This time I’m trying to form a plan to look at things differently but until it’s the end of September I won’t know if it’s worked or not. I need to break these cycles.

My memory is poor lately and I feel like although I’m on the ball others aren’t. I’m chasing other trades. I guess that’s the building trade and it’s one of the reasons I am forming plans for something else. I guess I’m doing well by being hyper vigilant though. I can notice the subtle changes in my body, a body that one day will die.

 What is in the future? What will happen to earth? Mankind often isn’t very kind. Humans are often as unkind to themselves as they are others. Sometimes even more so. Life. I guess that’s what it is. It’s life.

There’s no going back. There’s only analysis and perspectives. Logic is the way forwards. One must be logical and study the patterns and subtle nuances.

Life. 

Monday night I had a drink. I had half a bottle of wine. I knew it would probably affect me and it really did.  Yesterday I felt shit. Really shit.  Depressed and everything felt like it would build up.  I used some things I’ve learnt from mediation, my past and stoicism. I questioned the feelings.  I used logic and realised that I felt like it due to alcohol and had to reside it out.  It tired me out too and today I only worked about half a day or just over.  It’s been wet here so the timing was good.  I had a nap early aft on and hopefully I’m getting back to myself and feeling good and level.  

 Something that yesterday brought up was a strange feeling about bipolar episodes and how I’ve kind of missed them. Not in a good way but like when you’ve had hiccups and then they’re gone.  You’re glad they’ve gone but there’s something missing.  Something you’ve become used to and expected.  I don’t want to have an episode but having been level for quite some time it does feel strange not to have one or be in one.  It’s bloody good though!  

I’m making some plans and some changes in life.  Work is as secure as it can be when running a business.  Lots of work is coming in.  The money side of things is starting to get better too and I will build on that and not be complacent.  It is all getting back to where I was in late 2011.  Things were really good then.  My food growing has been very grounding and it’s becoming a part of what I do in life. Already the large freezer is almost full and we are now getting towards the bigger harvests.  We’re becoming quite used to eating good fresh vegetables now too.  I don’t know when we did last buy any veg.  We still have second early potatoes in the ground and then lots of main crop to harvest. So much more growing and I’m giving some away too.  We have lots of fruit growing nicely too. It’s all good. 

I have an irritation. It’s based on emotions.  Not my emotions but others emotions.  Maybe this won’t be bipolar related but maybe it’s down to my own mind/bipolar obsessional thinking.  

Ok I have just been on the Facebook/Faceache/Fakebook.  I’ve seen someone sharing a video of a guy trying to explain intuition and he’s throwing in a few scientific snippets about particles etc and how there’s interaction between protons and electrons.  This person posted that it’s scientific fact that intuition is now explained.  The guy in the video isn’t a scientist.  He’s using snippets of information to give people the impression he is right.  It’s a form of conformation bias in my opinion.  This happens so much on social media.  People are sucked into thinking that its scientific when it’s not.  It happens lots with countless things.  Throw in some bits that loosely look like they corroborate what you’re saying and people take it as fact then they share it so others then believe it.  It’s very wrong and it’s dumbing people down.  I’ve been there.  I’ve been guilty of it.  What also irritates me about these things, let’s not even get into the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow and her dangerous bullshit, is that people think they now have something that they know others don’t etc.  This is dumbing humanity down.  I’ve studied magick and a true magician knows that he knows nothing.  Often these people think that they’ve ‘awakened’ their ‘kundalini’ or are ‘enlightened’ but it couldn’t be further from the truth.  They’re caught up in one upmanship and they’ve been hoodwinked by charlatans like David ‘Avocado’ Wolfe, another highly dangerous twat.  Why do people need to think they’re better than others or know something that ‘they/them/illuminati’ are keeping hidden from the world. That they’ve come across this special knowledge and are now superior. Yes I do see the irony in me writing this post as it could be considered I’m doing the same.  My reason for thinking and feeling these things is that I do believe it’s holding most back from actually becoming their higher selves.  It’s a trap. An ego trap and it’s laid out right in front of them.   It’s why I question everything about myself and doubt myself so much all the time.    

My point is this shite is not scientific at all. 

I woke about 5am this morning even though it was after 11:30pm when I went to sleep. I did go back to sleep but in the brief moment of being awake I remembered, maybe I woke from, strange dreams. Things out of my control but I couldn’t let them go. All very odd. I’m trying to only control what I can in life and let everything else be as is. In that moment of wakefulness I also felt compelled to come downstairs and go outside somewhere and kill myself with a rope.  I’ve no idea why. Maybe this is tied to stoicism. The ideas in it are to meditate on ones death and on things that we don’t own or cannot control. Maybe this makes some sense. Luckily I didn’t act on or take the ideas and thoughts of suicide seriously.  I need an early night tonight. I’ve showered early tonight. We will eat soon too. I must go to bed early and read or study and not go on Facebook, yes I’m back on there yet again.  

Today has been a tricky day at work. My customers are lovely people but a few things took longer to get done today than I had hoped.  They knew it had been frustrating for me and we had a nice chat before I left and they gave me a bottle of wine. They know I don’t drink as such but wanted to give me something nice and I might have a half glass. Maybe today’s frustrations were due in part from tiredness and also my dream and suicide ideation. Hmmmm

What to write.  I’m knackered yet I’ve been able to keep a really good pace at work.   I’ve taken myself off Facebook again, probably only briefly though, and am needing some headspace.  I’m reading lots about stoicism and am trying to be less reactive and watch my thoughts more.  I downloaded a PDF of Marcus Aurelieus’s ‘meditations’ and have read a little but not got very far as I’ve been reading other things online.   I’m trying to keep watchful over my thoughts as they can, obviously, take over.  It’s not easy as one can slip back into old thought patterns quite quickly.  It will take time and I have to just accept it all.  I will keep going.    

    My head is a bit spaced out because I’m tired and I’m also aware that I have to break the circle of patterns in my life.  One of which is a 2 year cycle of going extremely high or manic.  This is the year it is due.  It’s usually from now onwards that I start to sky rocket and I’m aware of it and also aware of how well I’m doing in keeping reasonably balanced and level.  I’ve kind of been here before though and tricked myself into believing that it’s all ok and I’m good etc.  This time however I do honestly believe I can break the cycle and move forwards with life.  This feels like a test of sorts but this time I’ve been doing my homework and am more than prepared.  I’m being cautious about how much work I’m taking on but am still pricing lots.  It will keep good.  I will stay well this time and nobody will get to me for too long now.  

I’m ready for my day and week ahead. I’m ready for it and I’m not anxious.  I am slowly finding ways of coping with my anxieties and my monkey mind.  I’ll never win fully but I will keep going. I’m creating new ways of thinking and keeping reasonably rigid ways with work.  I have been reading about Stoicism and it is a help.  I’ve found out that it’s the basis of CBT as well so it’s all very interesting.  My sleep patterns had been slightly disturbed and I have had a couple of weeks or o of a very mini high.  I’ve nipped it in the bud and now see a way forwards. I’ve had a few shocks the last couple of weeks by people doing things that I didn’t kind of expect but at the same time I expect the unexpected so it should be of no surprise to me.  I have also heard about a big job which I had been waiting to hear about and life is good again. I fact lots of work has come in and I need to focus more on work and less on social media and less on others.

   I had another session with my psychologist on Friday.  It was hard work yet again but very productive.  I know have a prospectus for the ‘recovery college’ and might see about a few courses and maybe I will eventually help run some too.  I’m yet undecided.  One thing I did do is stop off on my way home and record myself an uploaded it to YouTube.  I’ll add a link and maybe it’ll be of benefit to others. Who knows? 

Anxiety.  Again.  Thoughts of what can go wrong in life. Again.  I’m highly strung at the minute and a few things have set me off. Although I’ve come along way with recovery from my last episode outside things and people still affect me and they still try to exert control over me.  It’s a fine line in knowing if I’m in control or if I’m loosing control.  Coping mechanisms are good but maybe they over compensate and over work themselves creating a false reality and false hope.  I’m tired.  Others still seem to push me.  It’s that time of year yet again. Every year.  How to break the cycles of the mind.  I’ve been sitting here working out how things used to be.  How I used to have thousands in the business and my personal account too.   I’ve been working out or thinking or even wondering how things might of been had I not, had we not, of sold our last house and moved.  It’s a fight.  Often it feels like a fight I cannot win.  I keep going but it will all kill me.  Slowly.  Others exert their pressure and bit by bit it’s taking me down. It’s cutting my roots through.  My mind.  What a bastard.