Yesterday I had an appointment with my psychologist at 3pm. On my drive up there I had a voicemail from her at about 2:30 asking if I was ok as I don’t ever miss appointments. I phoned her back, after stopping my van and yes I do have hands free. She had 2pm in her diary but the paper she wrote out for me had 3pm on it. I had quite a few things I needed to discuss with her. Things that had bottled up over the past week. Last night and this morning I’ve been a grumpy mess and felt I’ve been slipping. I’ve come back to bed instead of going to do an hours work, I’ll do it later, and have felt the need to just vegetate a bit. My emotions and mood have been a bit all over the place since a couple of things affected me this week and something just popped a bit. I cannot get unwell again and coming back to bed will hopefully nip things in the bud. I was certainly feeling like I was on the verge of slipping into an episode and this may well be the start of some blips before one but it is what it is. I can’t simply switch bipolar off. It doesn’t work that way. I can however use some healthy coping mechanisms instead of bad ones. A year or more ago I might of decided that I’d have a drink last night or tonight but I can’t and won’t. It affects me for a whole week and I think and am aware that I don’t want that anymore. Initially it felt boring but it’s outweighed by being able to cope better and recover from blips better. Anyway time to switch a few things off.
On a side note, an ego trip I guess, this blog now has 2993 subscribers which is shocking. Very shocking. Wow.
I have another appointment with the psychologist this afternoon. There’s still so much to talk about. This is the last of the booked sessions again, we book 5-6 week blocks each time, and I have the option of reducing them or continuing. I thought I was doing really well until something really threw me the other day. It brought lots up about things from when I was last really unwell and it showed me how I’m getting stronger but also showed how others can still affect me and my mental health. I’m going to put up more safety barriers. There are too many people in life who play games and too many who abuse others. Abuse comes in many forms too and control does. I’m not sure if it’s the modern world or if it’s just me but I seem to encounter more than my share of narcissists. They’re a particularly controlling entity. They abuse and control and it’s always ‘me me me’ and lots of ‘I want this, I need x y and z and I have to have such and such’. It’s part of the reason I have remained off mental health groups as well as normal waking life. I’ve seen many appear on them and abuse people who are mentally unwell. Anyway I need to gain control over who I let into my mind because others have warned me in the past and even though warned I don’t always see it. Narcs, psychopaths and sociopaths everywhere. I don’t need that shit.
Work is busy again and I’m trying to keep some good perspective there. It got a little tricky last month as I had pencilled in a big job but heard no more about it. It’s all part of running a business I guess.
Anxiety has woken me up again. Its been a while but it’s come to say hello. I need some answers in life. I need to earn more money and kneed more work to come in. I feel like I’m at the edge of loosing what we have. I’ve been here before and recovered from it. I’m almost at the hilt with my business overdraft. It’s sickening. I got too complacent as someone had pencilled me in for a lot of work and I had priced it only to not hear a single thing back. As I had it pencilled in its left a hole in my diary. I couldn’t fill it with work properly and now money is an issue yet again. So now anxiety has come along to fuck with me. Some other stuff has gone on too which has taken the safety net that I did have away. All I can do is put the mask back on and try to keep going. I don’t know how I’m even going to keep our house warm this winter. I guess I have to trust that something will come along and will be of help.
I’m still seeing the psychologist every fortnight and she has told me several times that I’m in the high risk bracket for suicide. She’s also said a few times about complex PTSD too. It would seem that every time she thinks she kind of knows me I somehow throw something out that hits her or shocks her. Such is life.
After a few weeks sinking into depression I’m back. I’m fucking awesome. I’m an unstoppable machine. Superman returns. Latitude was superb and just what I needed. I wasn’t sure I was going until not long before we left. Had I not of gone I might well of tried to kill myself because that’s where my mood was at and I had been quietly contemplating life and death.
I’m feeling like an egg sitting over a precipice. Will I stay on the edge and stable or will I fall over down into the abyss and crack. So much is and has been going on in life yet I feel calm about it and thats what worries me a bit. Often when it’s all calm and I feel like I’m handling things is when I’m getting built up inside. There’s a level of surealness in life at the moment. It’s not disconnection. I am however questioning who and what I am and what life is about for me. What does life hold for me? I keep pushing forwards but things keep coming up and hitting me one thing after another. It’s like wading through thick mud and shit. It never seems any easier. I keep plodding along hoping it will end soon and things will be ok. Every time I make plans or plan ahead something or someone scuppers them. Work is just about ticking along but I expected to be flat out busy right now. A couple of things haven’t gone to plan and it’s left me hanging a bit. I’d pencilled a job in which should take a couple of months but am left hanging now as I’ve not heard anything back even though I was told I would by now. I’m wary of taking too much more on incase I then get the go ahead and end up too busy to cope properly. I think I’ll just have to keep taking things on and keep going. I know in the past work has always been forthcoming. It’s tricky because my plans are disrupted and right now I need the stability. The knock to my confidence and plans has caught me out a little and I’m now questioning how much I charge yet I’m probably not making or charging what I should be and maybe only what I was making maybe 7-8 years ago now. It’s head fuck. A knock makes me cut my bills back or get behind on bills and that knocks me back further. The safety net Isis have is now gone too due to another situation in life. It’s scary right now. So much going on and planned but now no money todo it and no way to back out.
I think I might be heading unwell. I’ve not been at my best for a couple of weeks. Mild depression. I’m trying to keep going. I’m being pushed and pulled. I’m trying to do right by and for others but it never works. I’ve thought about a few things and ways out. I’m constantly tired and I’m worn out and had enough of lots of things. I need some serious head space. I need to work through so many things. So many things right from childhood. It might just be a blip. I’m sure ill be ok as I always have to be.
I saw my cpn at my home 2 weeks ago and then last week I saw the psychiatrist and my cpn tighter on Thursday then I saw my psychologist on Friday. Psychiatrist said I can reduce medication soon. Psychologist said I continue to throw surprises her way and that I had really shocked her at the previous visit when she asked if I ever have thoughts of suicide and I explained how often. She told me I’m high risk. I guess everything I do in life has a risk.
I’ve had chest pains in the night. Maybe someone’s slowly killing me. I’ve wondered about how I’m affecting my children and about how they will cope. I think my wife wants me dead. I can’t explain anything to her. I have no friends anymore either. I’m told I can phone the hospital at any time. I’m not sure how bad I’m supposed to be before I phone them so how do I know? Also I guess it will be marked down and show that I’m not coping at times? A black mark perhaps?
So much I could say or write but I’m not sure I should and I’m not sure it’s the right place.
I feel I’m walking a tightrope again. I’ve been coping well for a while and been pretty level for a while but today I feel like the black dog might be chasing me again. I’ve been overthinking and inventing stories in my mind. I’m tired and I’m tired of having to fight. I know I said I’ll not fight anymore I’ll just accept, and that’s what I’m trying to do, but this has fucked with my life too many times. How many times does one keep getting up? When does one know it’s not worth it? Why do people wish mental illness on others? I need to sleep lots tonight to be able to keep being normal again tomorrow. I need a break. We’re supposed to just work hard and everything will be good. I work too hard and am always pushing a weight up a hill. It’s not even real any more. I wish my thoughts would slow a little.
Since early evening yesterday I’ve been obsessing about a certain thing and overthinking it. As a single thing it wouldn’t bother me but as this is a build up of things it’s got to me. Somebody who lives very close to us doesn’t like that we live a slightly alternative lifestyle and ever since we’ve moved here have gone on about countless things. A year or so ago it was about rats, we have chickens, Guinea pigs and now some ducks in our garden. Instead of coming to talk to us they reported us to environmental health saying we had a rat infestation. I know that this was due to the fact we have chickens and they don’t like it and want us to get rid of them. Environmental health came out and had a good look around and found zero sign of rats and actually said the odd rat is to be expected when you live in the countryside, have fields to the front and back and a farm about 500m away. We knew this anyway but the certain person has gone on about countless other things since we moved here. Anything they could find to have even the slightest moan about they have. They cannot get their head around the fact that others do not have to do what they say and don’t have to live as they do. We’ve been reported again. For rats. Again. For an ‘infestation’. Again. When they phones up and spoke to my wife they asked to make an appointment. She said ‘come today if you’d like. It won’t bother us’. So they’re coming towards the end of the month. It goes to show how serious they’re taking it. There are zero signs of rats. We have cats for fuck sake and if there were rats then there wouldn’t be rats. I have compost heaps. No sign of rats there either. However what and why it’s got to me is its just yet another thing in a long list of things this person goes on about. This person is aggressive and a bully. My wife finds them a bully too. This persons attitude is ‘I know I’m right!’ Over everything. Usually I find that these people are actually wrong. Anyway it’s pissed me off hugely. This time I’ve going to be here and talk with the person inspecting. If they find something then it’ll be sorted but we’ve found no sign of anything at all. If or when they find nothing I’m going to ask to put a complaint in regarding the person who has reported us because quite honestly it’s victimisation and it’s been going on since a few days after we moved here, but because we have a live and let live attitude to life we have shrugged it off. Not only is it victimisation it’s lies and it’s also costing the council money to send someone out here. If there was ‘an infestation’ then the fucking rats would be everywhere. What there is is an infestation of arseholes wanting to make life hard for a family who don’t comply to all of the ‘norms’ and just want to live a peaceful life their own way and grow their own food. Which is another point. If we had an infestation of rats I’m sure the veg I grow at home would of been eaten by now but not a single sign. I think they also don’t like that our garden has a few small semi wild areas where insect etc can thrive. They see it as untidy and would prefer for it all to be concrete, sheds and grass like their garden. It’s not going to be though because we care about nature and wildlife hence why we released 4 hedgehogs from PACT animal sanctuary last year. Point of fact being if we were over run with vermin, other than the vermin making complaints, then an animal sanctuary simply wouldn’t of allowed us to have the hedgehogs. I’m ranting and I’m fuming. Thankfully I’m older and wiser and now that these things can be handled calmly because a handful of years ago I would of gone and banged on their door and put my point of view right in their face in one of many ways. These days I keep calm and don’t allow the monster out.
Today has been a struggle. I finished work at lunchtime and came home and went to bed. I started late too. I felt the black dog creeping up on me so hopefully I’ll nip it in the bud. For the last 1-2 weeks I’ve felt a bit shit almost every other day. Today was the day for feeling shit. I have had a slight knock with a couple of things but nothing too bad really it’s just with not being 100% and worn out its made me dig deep. A couple of jobs have overran slightly but that’s ok and a couple of them are yet to be finished as there’s additional work there now so I can’t bill for them yet. I’m fighting my way out of debt and the odd afternoon off is actually helping me keep pretty level and also not get too tired out. Even last year I’d of pushed myself to exhaustion.
A couple of nights ago I dared to have 2 bottles of alcoholic drink, 1 cider and 1 ginger ale. I think it didn’t help my feeling shitty. The stupid thing is I allowed myself those 2 drinks for doing so well with my mental health. I know that it can affect me this way but I thought by being level it might not hurt to try a couple. Obviously my body can take it without hangover but my mind can’t. It sucks that’s for sure.