I’ve decided not to work. I’m tired. If I get over tired I may trigger an upwards spiral. It often happens this time of the year and now I’m forewarned IM forearmed so I’ll not go in to work. I’ll rest. I’ve been on a very good level for a while now and want it to last. I want this permanently. Everything is going well and I’m not risking an episode. Usually I’m high rather than low but can get both. I’m going to stay sensible. Although it is boring. Boring can be ok though. Listening to Royal Blood instead. Very good band. 

It’s Saturday morning, I’ve had an extra half hour in bed. My morning ritual works are completed. I’ve got lots of work on at the moment so do I go in to work and get a little bit ahead and possibly get more tired or do I have a restful weekend and have more energy for next week…hmmm. I’m not sure what to do, possibly because I’m tired. Maybe I’ll go in fora few hours after my daughters riding lesson. She really wants me to watch her ride because she can canter now. That’s it. I’ll rest until after her lesson and see how I feel after that unless I feel inspired shortly to go in. Sorted.   

It’s a wet day out there already but I’m still smiling. I’ve a nice warm, dry inside job I can go and do so all is well and great. Lovely. I might finish a little early today too if the day goes well or if it’s going very well I might get even more work done. I’m really enjoying work again. I’ve not enjoyed it this much since before I had an apprentice. It’s a shame it didn’t work out but he was a bit lazy really. I’m still turning over the same money without him and there are less mistakes so from the financial perspective things should be better as there is one less wage going out.    

Magically my rituals are still ongoing as is the self insight. I’m learning lots about myself and I’m healing my past I guess. I’m not sure ‘healing my past’ is the best way of putting it because it makes me sound damaged. Working through past things in my life is maybe a better way of saying it. Anyway I’m continuing with my rituals towards the K & C of my HGA. I’ll say more soon. I’m also calling upon and using magic with the archangels too which works amazingly well and very fast. I’m learning to trust instinct fully again, although there’s nothing wrong with questioning things too because impulse can seem like instinct if I’m not careful. Life goes on. Magic goes on and learning and teaching go on. My ‘goal’ , for want of a better word, is still my illumination and enlightenment.

It’s not long until my solitary retreat now either. I’m also starting drumming lessons soon too, something I’ve thought about for years. 

It’s Thursday once again or Thors day. Day of Jupiter. It’s beautiful clear cool autmn day out there and I think it’s going to be a lovely day. I’m looking forwards to the day ahead. Im feeling pretty good and I think I’ve been feeling a little inspired lately too. Maybe wisdom is finally setting in with age. Well it certainly sounds nice when I say it. The birds are singing already too. Early bird and worm etc. My life’s fortunes seem to be turning. That’s good. Life is a blessing. Life just is. It’s what we make of it or what we see that’s important I guess. If we see doom, we attract doom. It’s not easy to fully understand this all the time though. Sometimes things really are tough. It’s the tough times that make or break us. It’s the tough times that define us. It’s the tough times that make the good times good. It’s hard to put it down in words fully. Life just is. Is that enough? I think it is. People die each day and new people are born each day. Life just is.  

I’m trying to work through myself to find out who I truly am. It’s part self psychology and part ritual magic. I want to discover ‘the real me’ inside of here. I know that I percie myself through others interpretations of my, from others projections upon me, from my parents rules and ideals when growing up, but that’s not the truest essence of who I am. ‘I’ am much more than that and much deeper than that. The ‘I’ that is the true self is in here somewhere. I need to understand ‘my’ thinking and how and why it is how it is. It’s not for everyone, although it could be. Self analysis is possibly the best form of therapy. Who can know you better than yourself? Who ever tells a therapist everything? I don’t honestly believe that it’s possible to do that. I believe it’s impossible because our thoughts change and unless we live full time with a therapist then it’s impossible. I’m not saying a very good therapist can’t and doesn’t help. I’m not suggesting others go against that. I’m talking from my own perspective and opinion. I think only I can know myself fully, openly and honestly. I’m looking forwards to my retreat so that I can find more of my true self again. I honestly believe my solitary retreat earlier this year helped me to start to fully understand myself and how I’m a little different. Let the good work continue I say. 

This afternoon I’m feeling very good. I had 2 black instant coffees yesterday afternoon with sugar. I don’t normally drink coffee or have sugar with it. Anyway I think it flattened my energy levels a little and my sleep was good but not as superb as usual. I got on very well at work today but had to finish early due to power cable works and a lack of power. I managed an hour or so snooze this afternoon. I’ve also noticed my livido is much lower than usual. I’d say it’s maybe at a normal persons level, if there is such a thing. Anyway I’m feeling very good and lovely. That’ll do me. 

It’s Wednesday already. Wow.  This week is going fast and I’m achieving lots too. I’m feeling very meticulous in my magic. Work is most excellent too. Today should be a wet day so I’ll go to an inside job and do some decorating. I’m amazed at how good I’m feeling. I’m not high either. Just plain old good. Im very aware of numbers again. I’m amazed at how they add up to get a single number. Take 165 for instance 1+6+5=12    1+2=3 or 16+5=21   2+1=3 or 56+1=57  5+7=12  1+2=3 and so forth. Amazing. Numerology is amazing. Time is all numbers too. I notice 11:11 lots or 12:12 and so on 18:18. 18:18 is interesting because 18+18=36  3+6=9 or  1+8+1+8=18 which is 1+8 again which equals 9. Anyway numbers are good

My higher self is once again awakened or awakening. My HGA is becoming much more clearer too. Long may things continue and I will find my own truth.  

This may sound slightly morbid, but years ago I was told I would die on my 40th birthday. Well its 2 weeks away today. Let’s see. I’m going to prove him wrong. I hope. I’ve still not made the Philosophers Stone yet so I hav

Life is so busy right now. I’m making so much progress it’s amazing. Long may it last. I had a minor blip yesterday but it soon passed. Long may that last too. Tomorrow will be the anniversary of the death of my stepdad. I will go and watch some fireworks and a bonfire. I’m never sure what we are celebrating on November the 5th. Are we celebrating the gunpowder plot being discovered or are we celebrating that they nearly did blow up parliament? Is Guy Fawkes a hero or a villain?  Hmm. I’m not sure. I know my own views. Anyway it took a good few years after Tonys death before I could face bonfire night properly again or even go to watch fireworks. I still remember the first fireworks I went to when if just started seeing my wife. We were seeing each other very quietly and had only been together since the Halloween night. Good memories. Life is about good memories and good times. 

It’s Tuesday once again, the day of Mars. I find it funny and amazing how days are still known by planets or pagan gods. Festivals are a mish mash too. Easter is decided by the spring equinox and full moon.  How amazing the world is. We still think very strangely too for such a modern so called advanced civilisation. We have invented countless new ways to kill people. Most breakthroughs in surgery and medicine come from war too. I wonder how far we could go if we decided to be peaceful and decided money didn’t matter. Money isn’t real anyway. It’s still only a tool for bartering. All false values too. Oh well.        

This morning I’m feeling pretty good. It looks like being a nice day again. I’ve lots to achieve and get done. Work is busy and my mind is behaving itself, apart from a very small blip yesterday. Life is good. 

Today I started an email to an administrator of a forum that I was removed from but allowed back into. I didn’t go back on even though I am allowed to. I thought it best to straighten myself out first. I certainly am in a very good place, and in part that’s why I deleted the email before sending it. I’m giving serious thoughts as to if I should go back on just yet or not. I could go back on to be a positive model for others and to help them if I can. I’m Conscious of the fact that it might be a trigger I guess. I’m also aware that I have an addictive side to myself. That’s why I deleted facebook. I’ve not deleted Twitter though and I manage to steal clear of that pretty much all of the time. It’s funny really because the forum is anonymous but I do like the people on there. Mostly they’re very kind souls. It’s got me pretty torn to be honest. I’m a strong believer in helping others, but also first and foremost helping myself. I guess I can always ask to be removed for a while if I get caught up in it, or is it best to steer clear….

   I’m also in a period of very deep introspection and I honestly think I’ve come a very long way. I need to keep going forwards with my works. It’s moving along very well and I don’t need distractions. The introspection is brought about by and is part of my ritual angelic workings. 

I’ve woken up this morning with back ache. I think I slept in a funny position. I know my dreams have been pretty vivid lately. Last night was no exception either. I often have vivid dreams this time of the year plus my rituals are taking me back through my life deeply. It’s almost like therapy only deeper and much more personal. Maybe I’m my own therapist. I’m retreating deeper and further into myself. I hope that I come out of the other side better for it. Hope is the wrong word really. I guess I’ve entered a period of deep introspection. All will be well afterwards.  

I’ve been thinking about going back onto a forum I was on but so far I’ve steered clear. I did tweet about 3 tweets last night so will now once again avoid Twitter too. Introspection is the order of the day for me.