It’s Thursday already. This has been a busy week so far. I’ve still got lots I’d like to do too. I may work some of Saturday. I’ve realised how much what others say to me affects me and can continue to do so until register that it’s eating at me. Last night my wife had had a bottle of wine and then was quite angry or passive aggressive towards me briefly. I waited and then went and apologised to her for anything I may have done to upset her, something that can happen. When she explained her anger I was surprised.  Anyway I found that it was eating away at me this morning and was playing on my mind when I was in ritual. It took a while until I realised that it was me carrying this inside and letting it eat away at me. As I write this I sense de ja vu.  It’s good when I can realise that things can eat at me. Things my wife says to me especially so. I’ve often wondered if she does it on purpose. Then I realise that it’s not so, or at least it better not be.  

I guess life has it’s ups and downs and once again I’m feeling a bit tired in all respects. A life of solitude seems most appealing.  A life of no work. A life of not being so tired. A life where I have more time for my family and myself where we can live much more healthily.  A relaxed life. Maybe even a life where I don’t interact so much with others if only for the winter. 

The last two mornings I’ve woken early, much earlier than normal. I’ve woken a few times in the night and probably woke fully am before 5:30am this morning. I’m ok but I’m getting tired earlier during the day. I’m not sure if it’s the time of year or if it’s a change of mood. The more I look into these things the more questions it raises. It might even be due to the rituals that I’m carrying out. Either way I’m going to have to keep to regular sleep patterns more than ever. I’m also going to try keeping to my daily diary again too. The one where I log all moods and meal times and sleep etc. I’ve not written in it for a long while. If it’s dry tonight I’ll do a workout too. 

I’ve woken up this morning very slightly anxious. I’ve been unsure about the weather so maybe it’s that. It’s supposed to get out today and be dry. I hope so. I think I’m finally starting to overcome a few things too. My ears are still ringing and have been for over 2 weeks now. It’s been a while since I’ve felt any anxiety. Maybe this is brought on by the weather throwing my work a little even though I can get on elsewhere. I guess I need to erasure myself that it’s just building a picture on the greater whole.  

I’ve done my morning ritual too. 

Its a wet start to the week ahead. It’s going to be wet for several days now too, maybe at least until Thursday. I need to finish painting the outside of a house too and have another one to do yet. Luckily I’ve got the inside of a big house to decorate out. I’m reasonably happy this morning too. I woke briefly a couple of times in the night but that’s ok. I did fear I might be anxious this morning but I’m not. I’m actually feeling good. Life is good.  I think the internal works I’m carrying out are helping me. It’s certainly keeping me to good sleep habits.  

I’ve already practiced this mornings ritual. I’m various as to how much I can write but I can say the divine spark is growing inside me. I’m always cautious about saying these things in case I awaken ego or if it’s ego talking. Anyway my works are going well and there have been moments of inspiration and intervention, both good  and also nosey intervention.  I’m reading a little about Gnosticism and also the divine spark within oneself.  At the moment it’s resonating with me. I’m not saying it’s all a cure for my mind but it’s certainly helping me to stay in a good place.  I guess it’s about finding what’s truly important in ones life.

I’ve tried helping a few others to awaken, in the past I’d say I wasted my time, and it’s helped form a good perspective of where I am at, where I’m headed and how I’ve gotten here too.  In the end though I have had to cut those people out for my own mental health and for my own spiritual journey to continue.  

I guess if I had to offer any advice to another, or myself for that matter, it would be to discover your true inner self. Often we live external lives and not internal. We are caught up in materialism, which is a false system, and forget that we really are good people at heart no matter how bad our thoughts can get.  To fully know yourself is a big journey to undertake too. It’s not just about admiring your best points or your worst traits either. Admitting those is a start  but actually trying to understand yourself and the reasons further behind them is where you start to find your true self. It can be a very painful journey too and that’s why often those that take some steps stop and back away. I would even suggest that it’s possibly too hard for some to contemplate in this moment in time, but there’s always hope, always the glimmer of divine spark within each and every one of us.  Life, however hard, is a good thing and any problems that seem too much can be broken down.  Enjoy your day ahead. 

I have realised that I’d not written yet today. It’s 7:24pm. My stomach is slightly upset this evening. My mood however is reasonably stable. I’m tired. Earlier I had a headache and my ears continue to ring.  I had written recently that my mood felt pretty normal for about 3 weeks. I’m not fully sure if it was or wasn’t. When a high crept in I barely saw triggers which normally I do see. In hindsight I’ve seen them but not at the time. I’ve also learnt that for me if I’m high or low coffee is a good leveller. Coffee with no sugar that is. Sugar avoidance is a big must at all times for me as it sets me off and also I tend to crave it when I’m very tired, so I have to be cautious. Normally I avoid most stimulants these days. If I’m craving sugar I’m starting to be more aware of possible mood changes due to tiredness and sometimes that tiredness leads to me being awake longer if that makes sense.  

My rituals are still ongoing and will be for the foreseeable future too. I’m pretty sure they’ve helped level me. They’re certainly helping to give me some focus again. I’m researching several things too all related to my ongoing works and the HGA. 

I did a workout again last night. I’m feeling a bit normal again. I think. It’s hard to say.  Hopefully I’ve levelled off again. I guess I’ll know more later. 

 I did my ritual again last night and this morning. Things are going well. I can’t say much more. 

It’s 9:27am here. I’m at work. I’m supposed to be painting the outside of a house but there was a very heavy dew last night. Hopefully I’ll be able to get in soon. I must be in a pretty good place mentally because I’m not anxious or uptight, maybe I just don’t care. Anyway I’m kicking back for a while until it dries off. I’ve oiled a door and just need the windows to dry off so I can start painting them.  

I’ve been giving thought to if I should either go back to the doctors and insist on a referral or if I pay vast sums of money to a private psychiatrist or if I do neither. Answers on a post card… Anyway I’m going to sit down comfortable and search the internet for a while looking at all of the alternative options.  Maybe I’ll win the lottery tonight and retire to a life of a hermit and pay the private psychiatrist. Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me. Maybe it’s just everyone else can’t see the true reality of the world. They’re too caught up in money and ego.  

I’ve wondered what people normally think about. Often I ask people what they’re thinking about only to get the reply that they’re thinking about nothing. I guess there must be lots of meditation masters in the world then either that it they simply are so brain dead that they don’t realise it. They’re all too consumed with who’s won eggs factor or prancing on ice or some similar mind numbingly se senses drivel. Why is it that someone who is interested in the spiritual betterment of mankind can feel so out there and on the fringes of society? Lots of big questions. Nobody cares for answers though, well hardly anybody . Hmm. 

I have woken feeling a little un-rested. I’m not sure why. I didn’t wake in the night very much, if at all.  I was pretty relaxed before bed too. I did my night time workings as has become normal. I think I’m feeling slightly different. My ears are still kind if ringing too. I guess I feel in a slightly altered state of mind or consciousness. Hopefully this is all for the better.  

I’ve been wondering lately if to go back and talk to the doctor to get a referral. Last time I had to self refer to the local well being team. I had a telephone conversation with them and they thought I was doing everything I should be. I’ve emailed them recently, I say recently but it was over a month ago, but I’ve not had a reply yet. That’s not so good is it. Having said that I don’t want to have to overly rely on others or burden others. I don’t want too many people poking their noses in either. I have felt pretty ok but I’m wondering if I’m getting worse rather than better. Maybe I’m just more aware of things.  

It’s funny how life creeps up on us isn’t it. I’m almost 40 which isn’t so old but yet at the same time I’m wondering where the time has passed. I guess mostly it’s been at work. I’ve been high recently. It seems I’m high more than low.  I have had depression though and mixed episodes too. Maybe I spend too much time pondering it all. 

Today is going to be a dry day luckily. I will go and get on with some painting outside today. I’m feeling much more level after a tricky few days, well almost a week. I had a strong coffee last night which levelled me out.  I’m not sure how my mood will be today but I will deal with it however it is. I don’t have any other choice really.  

Yesterday I started to read back through this blog. I’m both amazed and disheartened by it. I’m amazed because I’m being pretty open, although still not fully, but disheartened because I’m still cycling through mood swings and I’d hoped to of settled them right out of my life by now.  The three weeks I had recently where I felt normal were both fantastically great and fantastically dull for different reasons. I could live with being in a normal mood all of the time now I think. I certainly want to. The occasional slightly raised mood thrown in would be nice but not a necessity.  

  The forum moderator on the forum I’ve been banned from has emailed me to say I may go back on as long as I don’t share this blog or personal  information. I now understand the reasoning for why they had to do it. I may go back on but I will stay away for now until my mood is much more settled. It’s good being on a forum like that because I can share my feelings, I can chat with others who have these feelings too but I’m wondering if it has a downside to it and that being that it may trigger how I feel.  I feel a little ashamed to have to say others affect my mood because I see myself as strong minded and for me to be influenced by others makes me feel weak minded and feeble. In fact it’s very disheartening. I know that in the past others have tried to play on this and on my good will. They’ve thought that they can control me to a degree, but unknown to them I am pretty intelligent and was instead trying to help them but turn a blind eye to their manipulative side. In the end I’ve had to cut them out. I’ve had to do that to a few people in my life now. Afterwards they act like children and try to lay the blame upon me. Maybe I won’t suffer fools anymore.  

 My ritual has already been done this morning and was good.  I have read my newest book about angelic magick and it’s history. It’s more a history than a how to book but that’s fine by me as I already know what I’m doing in my own rituals.  With each ritual I’m understanding more. I also think the routine of morning and night rituals fits very well with my circadian rhythms. Hopefully this will be of double benefit to me.  

I went back outside early evening yesterday and did a little more of a workout with weights. I’m a little torn between having some fun throwing some weights around and trying to keep to a set workout routine which I normally do. I guess I’ll just play for now and let it lead into proper workouts again if  that happens. If it doesn’t then at least I’m getting some exercise. 

I’m feeling pretty lethargic and I can’t be arsed to do much at the minute. Earlier today I hinted at what this blog was called on a forum I was on. I say was on because they have since banned me. They banned me because they considered it sharing personal information. This blog does not have any of my personal information and although initially surprised and slightly annoyed at getting banned I guess they have had to stick by their rules. I am allowed to contact the admin to talk about it but I don’t think I will for now.

I’m feeling quite out of sorts today and although lethargic I did go outside and skip for a while and then did some exercise with my weights. I seriously need to get some focus back in my life both personally and business wise. Maybe getting booted off the forum will become a blessing.

I’ve had to deal with my mental state pretty much alone so far so I guess I’m back to doing just that. I need  to get my circadian rhythm’s back on track. I also need to keep going at my rituals regarding my Holy Guardian Angel.