I had a sleep yesterday afternoon partly because I had a huge energy tail off and partly because I was warty that I might not sleep last night. I was late going to be and was pretty wired. I lay still for ages before rolling on my side and letting go and going to sleep. I’m now unsure as to why I was awake late. Was it the afternoon sleep that threw me or was it that my mood was high yesterday and had been since Friday? I’m not sure. Maybe a little of both.

  Anyway I woke up really early this morning and dozed a few times before looking at the time. It was just before 6 so I lay still for a shirt while before getting up. Each time I woke up I was anxious. Luckily I seem to of put a lid back on the anxiety box for now. I really don’t want anxiety back. I can live with high moods, low moods and I can just about stomach mixed moods but anxiety just eats away at me too much. Far too much.

   At least for now I’m ok. My thoughts are faster than the last few weeks but I can live with that. I’d say I’m pretty much used to it to be honest. I’d kind of missed it. Although having said that I could happily just live the rest of my life with normal moods from now on, very happily in fact. 

I’m feeling very short on patience since my tricky Friday afternoon/evening. I’m not sure if I wrote about how I was after I got home from work on Friday and before my wife said my code word for mood change. Well it’s taken until now to see it all a bit clearer. A couple of weeks ago I bought a garden machete, partly for chopping plants back here but also for clearing areas at work. Anyway Friday night after work I found myself in my garden with said machete hacking away at things , mostly plants that needed cutting back or had died off but it was the fact I felt at the time a need to release those pent up feelings that has surprised me. I’ve had nigh on three weeks of feeling totally normal and this shift came out of nowhere and completely devoured me. I couldn’t snap out of it or control it or even exercise it off because I simply didn’t see it. Three weeks of full normality , maybe I’m being delusional?, and I just thought I was acting normally.  Anyway I guess I’m going to have to be even more aware that I can’t always see triggers. Maybe in hindsight there’ve been a few small ones but I’d not seen them until afterwards.  

Well here I am now, once again sensing that my mood has been different again since Friday and maybe hasn’t been back to normal yet. I’m high more than low and I think my mood is elevated once again. Work is going up a gear. I’ve realised that I did about 9 hours work on Friday, nothing too bad there except I did it in about 4-5 hours of real time.  I’m back in bed now trying to relax myself because I’ve been tense all weekend apart from when I’ve been doing my ritual magic or meditating.  Right now the thought of being a hermit is speaking in so many ways. I’d be away from others, I’d not influence those others with my mood swings and I could practice mindfulness, meditation and magic all of the time which is something I would gladly dedicate myself too.  

  I guess I will finally get to where I’m headed in life. I thought for the last two weeks that I was winning my war with my mind but right now I’m not so sure.  Once again I’m struggling to focus on things like reading unless I’ve just done a ritual and or meditated. Often when fully high I can’t even meditate.  My memory has been a bit shit these last couple of days too. I had posted a couple of comments on a forum I’m on a short while ago and when I logged back in I couldn’t remember the comments I’d made.  

Oh dear. 

I’m back feeling normal again. I was a little later going to bed last night. I’m a bit tired today but I still got up at my usual time. My ears are ringing too. Although I had a few hours of tricky mood swings yesterday I think I’m back in control. I’ve done 5 days of celibacy now and it’s getting easier but harder too. I’m starting to feel a little more in control of my life. I have to admit I fully lost control yesterday though. It really affected my home too. My son had a real mood swing too. This also may of been in part to my wife drinking though. I have noticed his mood change when she’s been drinking and my mood has been stable. It sounds like I’m painting a bad picture. I’m not. My wife doesn’t drink often. She has the occasional bottle of wine. I think she likes the relaxed feeling of being drunk. Anyway my son had a grumpy time lady night and decided it was his sisters fault. Normal family life I guess!  

I’ve been out and carried out my ritual and invocations in my works this morning to invoke my Holy Guardian a Angel. It’s very interesting how my works are progressing now having cut out certain individuals from my life once again. Even my moods have been much more settled. I honestly think that the more one studies esoteric’s and spirituality the more one is susceptible to others moods and their positive or negative influence. I’ve recently spoken with a man in Cornwall who is living very much like a hermit, although he does have minimal interactions with other humans and he’s confirmed this for me. He also had to cut out one of the people I’ve had to. A mutual acquaintance if you like.

  Anyway he’s found he’s getting along better without the negative influences of this other person. The other person is in need of some serious mental help but refuses to get it. He shows big signs of psychopathic behaviour and also some personality disorders. He tries to manipulate others quite often and gets very aggressive when it doesn’t work. It’s one of those situations where I’ve tried to help but have had to back away for my own reasons and my own sanity.  

  I have a small job to help someone with this morning and then I’m through with work until Monday. 

I’ve noticed my mood has been ‘different’ this afternoon. I’ve been overthinking and my mind has been wandering. Also this evening my wife came in and said ‘orange flag’ meaning she’s noticed my mood change too. I’m disappointed to say the least because I’ve been normal for pretty much  3 weeks now. I’m feeling reasonably normal now, although slightly elevated, but I’ve also noticed tension in me too. My body was tight and my jaw clenched. I’m not giving up or giving in. I’m going to reassess where I’m at and move forwards again. I’m not giving up or giving in. 

It’s Friday once again. Hurray. I’ve had a good week. Today I’m starting to paint a house externally. I’m really looking forwards to it as painting is like a form of therapy for me. I’m feeling at my best still. I do however have a fear. That fear is what if I’m fooling myself and I’m delusional? Surely feeling good can’t be a delusion can it? I’ve been feeling very good for nearly 3 weeks now and I’m being pretty rational too which is very good for my bank!

   Yesterday we went to look at a car and I know that had it of been 2 months ago I would of just bought it and convinced myself that it was perfect. Not yesterday though. Yesterday I was uncertain, in all of the right ways, and because I recognised that uncertainty I didn’t make any rash decisions. Luckily I didn’t be use in hindsight I would of put £2,000 on a credit card again. Hurray for feeling normal.  Boo for feeling normal too in some ways though.

I’m kind of missing feeling high though. It’s not a huge miss but it’s still a miss. My circadian rhythms are very good once again. I’m waking up about 6am even though it’s dark, I normally struggle when it’s dark. Life has a beauty about it again but not a false high ‘I can do anything, I can be anything’ false beauty but real meaning. I’m finally understanding myself and my emotions and moods. Maybe I have cracked it and I’ll never have episodes again or maybe they’ll be much more gentle and controllable. I hope so. 

I’m posting late today and I’m tired. I’ve been out looking at cars today because ours has had to be scrapped. We looked at a ranger over but weren’t too impressed.

Anyway I’m still feeling good and normal which I’m happy about. Work is great and I’m earning good money too. It’s seems strange to imagine paranoia or high moods right now let alone depression. 

I think I’ll buy a cheap runaround until I can get a car that I really want. 

My inner calm has started to grow a little , maybe more than a little. I’m trying to be celibate. I’ve been this way since Monday now and it’s feeling ok. I’ve made the choice. It’s only for a brief while but I’m hoping it helps me understand myself better and helps me understand how I obsess or what might lead to hyper mania. I know I get much more horny before or during an episode so if I can keep on top of urges then maybe I can help myself better when I feel my mood is elevating.

I’m looking to try for a few more days, at least a week I guess. There’s only one way I’ll find out.  I have been celibate for 2 weeks before. Maybe I’m just giving everything up. I gave up meat , alcohol and most caffeine. So I guess sex had to be next. 

I’m using an app to track and log my moods. It’s flatlined. That sounds bad but it’s actually good. It means no peaks or troughs in my moods. I had a very mild peak on one score for one day in the last week and a bit. I know that there are several apps for tracking moods etc. It’s a pretty basic graph but it’ll do for me.

I’ve practiced my morning ritual already. I’m just keeping going and seeing where it leads me. I have an end goal and it’s a way off but I need to keep dedicated to it. The past few days have been trickier than previous days but I’m just keeping going.

I noticed that I started getting a headache yesterday which can signify a change in mood or the weather. Hopefully it’s the weather. 

As it says above I’m still feeling good. Life’s good too. I’m getting lots of work in and I’m pretty relaxed too. Life’s superb. Long may it last. My rituals are progressing well too. I have had a little less focus the last few days but that’s ok. I’m still invoking my Holy Guardian Angel. Still or acting my rituals too. I even went into the laboratory /oratory after work. 

Well last night I did a ritual as well as yesterday morning. I think I’m going to carry on with this. I’m also reading ‘The Middle Pillar’ by Israel Regardie.