Last night I ended up having anxiety most of the night and it’s heightened this morning.  It’s due to a situation at work that I was put in but also put myself in. I have no choice but to go in and see what happens and face anything. The situation is regarding someone else and they made the situation themselves but it has turned onto me in a way and I have ended up having two threatening phone calls.  I’ll face it and see what happens. It’s life and I know it’s in part down to my not thinking straight it mostly it’s down to the other person not doing what they should do and always switching blame to others and making excuses. Anyway it’s totally occupying my mind at the minute and it’s something I could do without but I have to deal with it. What I am fearful of is if I get trouble over it I might flip and loose my cool or worse grin and bear it. It is what it is and it’s only life. I won’t be threatened though. That isn’t right. 

I have realised I’ve not had a good memory lately but it was brought home to me tonight when chatting with someone o line tonight. They told me to stop repeating myself because I had already told them a few days ago. To others it just seems like I’m a bit lively and jokey and that I’m having a laugh saying mad things and saying I don’t remember stuff. Earlier today I was talking with someone at work and they were surprised by some things I told them. They were shocked. They said they thought I was just a bit bubbly and lively.  It all came out because they walked in on me as I was facing a fridge doing some strange motion and muttering away! Luckily they just thought there wasn’t any milk but I did feel silly and that I needed to explain some stuff ! So much has been going on that a day has seemed like having a weeks worth of thoughts and happenings fitted into it.  I’m bonkers but mostly it’s ok although at times it’s unbearable. I’m never sure which is coming. It’s not even a battle because it just hits me like a bus. Wallop.  I guess I ought to read back through some of the posts I’ve written over the last few days and weeks. Or maybe I shouldn’t! Hahahaha. It is what it is.  I would say I feel a bit level right now but I know it would be wrong as I’m still not fully there. Half hour ago I felt shattered but now I’m waking right up.   Any my memory seems shot and shit at times.  I’ve had a few people tell me not to say too much on Facebook because I have a business but I have others saying I’m doing well for being brutally honest about my head. Fuck knows what is right.  Haha

It will soon bemonday and I’m not sure if that will bring a type of relief or if it will bring even more questions than answers. I guess it will be what it will be.  

Last night before bed I had some anxiety, not lots but some.  Ask layin bed to go to sleep I mentally went back, maybe it was a flashback, to the last week my dad was alive. I’m not sure why it happened but it did. Maybe I’m looking for answers. I don’t know, but then I don’t know much anymore.  That’s life or at least my life.    I had quite vivid dreams last night, mostly about work and about customers bringing other trades people onto my jobs.  

Yesterday daytime my moods didn’t shift quite as much, maybe up to 8 times but most of the day they were kind of settled at high until I crashed mid afternoon.  I finished work about 4pm and came home and took my son to a toy shop ask had said I might. Before we went out I had a double shot coffee to try to level me out. When we got home a short while later I went to bed to sleep for an hour or so. I had hoped the coffee would keep me awake a little so I could try to get back to clean sleeping instead of late afternoon/early evening sleep.  It didn’t work. The coffee didn’t make me stay awake early on. I did make myself turn the light off at 11pm and go to sleep. I hope I’m levelling a little.  This morning I still feel way outside of myself but not as wired as I could and I’m not anxious.  I’m not bouncing off the walls either so maybe I’m level. Maybe I’m not. I’ve no idea.  It is what it is and I’m just going with the flow.  

Last night I ended up pretty high. My wife even told me to calm things down at 9:30pm as the children were excited by it all.  I stayed downstairs while she got them sorted. It was just after midnight when I turned the light off to go to sleep and it took a short while to sleep. At1:45am my son woke up needing a pee and a drink and then he wanted the light left on as he was too hot and wanted his duvet off him. This broke my sleep and it took a lot of effort not to get up and go online or watch a film. I was awake about 6 and feeling superb. I lay in bed until 6:20 and then got up. I’m now feeling a bit anxious and wired and was just gagging but wasn’t sick. It 6:47.  I’m not sure what today will bring either. A friend on Facebook messaged me last night to tell me I’m getting ‘worse’ and I need to take care. I’m not sure how to take that really.

   Yesterday I finished work early and came home and had a sleep as my stomach was uneasy and I had pain in my right side. I cancelled my drumming lesson too as I’m not at my best. I must of switched moods maybe 10 or more times yesterday. I had changed mood 4 times before 9:30.  

 Last night I didn’t have anxiety before bed which is good. I am anxious now though and that’s probably why I gagged and nearly threw up. I’m unsure how I will be on Monday but I can hopefully show them this blog. If I can then maybe they’re reading this. ‘Hello from the future’. Anyway I’m taking each day as it comes now and each hour and minute as it comes. It is what it is. 

I had anxiety before going to sleep again last night. It was very strange too because as I lay in bed going to sleep I had either fell straight asleep or had very deep strange thoughts.  They dream/thoughts were that next week they will want to take blood and I won’t want it, so they were holding me down in a chair and forcibly taking blood from me. I was restrained by several people. It was shockingly horrible. Then I kind of woke and went into another one where they snatched me off a road and forced me into the side door of a van and I couldn’t fight them off.   Strange indeed and pretty shocking.  

 My dreams last night were about my mum and about her last husband etc. Various scenarios. All very strange and not nice. I don’t feel like I slept very well but also now I’m awake don’t feel so bad. It is what it is.

I have been reading up again about bipolar and about type one and type two. I’m getting my head around things that have happened with me or to me and trying to work it all out again. It’s not easy to read or deal with but all of what’s there in the books is what has been going on. I guess some kind of diagnosis is needed and I guess it will help too. I’m now a bit more open minded about medication too but still unsure if I would want to take it because of the side effects that go with it. I need to be fully functioning for my job etc. Lots will need to be considered. I wish I could run away from it all. 

It’s Sunday evening and today I thought I had kind of levelled a bit but the reality is I’m just getting used to being all over the fucking place. Im still a bit wired. I woke up after 9:30am and actually had anxiety before going to sleep. My appointment is on the 18th and is starting to play on my mind a little. Maybe more than a little. I woke up with a pain in my back on the right side which was going up through my neck into the right side of my brain and head. Today I’ve been wired and edgy. The thing is I kind of enjoy it but don’t like it too at the same time. I think I put everyone else in our house on edge and maybe I do. Maybe I am too unstable to be here sometimes and should take myself off at times so they can relax and just be. I don’t know. Anyway back to stuff. I’m feeling pretty amazing right now. Cold but amazing. My brain has gone up a gear and my finger can’t type quick enough. I feel limitless. I would imagine it will be suggested I go onto medication but I fear it will dull my mind and thinking although I know that’s part of the reason for being on medication. I have spoken with several people I know who are bipolar and or BPD to ask their views on medication. Some are on Meds. Some aren’t. I know it’s not for everyone going med free. Normally I cope but I have realised that the last 2 months have been the worst I have ever been or at least since 2012. I’m not sure how long this will go on for and I will keep trying to ride it out for as long as I can. It’s a rollover coaster but I a n adrenaline junky so I’m loving it as much as I hate it. It really is an amazing state if mind at times. 

I think it’s time to start to be selfish. People can fuck off. I’m tired of trying to help everyone else and then leaving nothing for myself or for others to fuck me over, ignore me or not be bothered. Maybe I’m being over paranoid but. The amount of times when I’ve been level I’ve tried to help countless others only for the tables to be turned most have fucked off out of the way. A few have actually done the opposite. A few have really surprised me and keep an eye on me. Maybe I’m being paranoid. Nothing is making too much sense now anyway.  

Last night I wandered up the garden to go through things again. I’m not sure what I was thinking.    

I need to stay off Facebook I know that much. I haven’t deleted my Facebook account because it is a good point of contact for things. I have told everyone on there to fuck off this morning. They can as well.

My head and neck hurt. My ears are ringing and have been for ages. I have been avoiding phone messages too and phone calls. Normally I do the opposite and try to keep on top of those things. I’ll explain my way out of it soon enough and will listen to the messages later.

  I could run away. Only problem is I would still be there. I guess there would be other people too and I can’t be arsed with people right now. People are selfish mostly. Out for something or an agenda. Well fuck them. 

It’s Friday morning already and the first week back at work is almost over. It’s been a blur. It still is a blur. It wasn’t until last night when I emailed a friend that I realised I am living hour by hour and day by day. Sitting here now is quite shocking. Shocking because I nearly wasn’t. Shocking because I have got to realise. I’m living hour by hour and day by day.  I feel like I have a big stick and am pushing things so that they are just out of reach. I’m not explaining it that well I guess because I haven’t goalie what mean exactly but I kind of mean any decisions about anything. I’m mentally doing the same with work too. The inner voices are there at times but not at others. My thinking isn’t always clear and rational.

Last night I slept for an hour and a half when I got in from work and slept solidly too. The only issue with that was it meant I didn’t go toned until midnight but I really needed the sleep. It’s so tricky and such a mind fuck. I’m trying to get mycircadians back on track but if I hadn’t had the short sleep after work I could of ended up shattered or wired. I’m not sure what is the right thing to do. Anyway I had a bath last night, well I think I did, and while in there I had a moment of absolute clarity. A moment of being fully present and it was bliss for that instance.

Lately I have been full space cadet. I guess I am living with a lack of full control at the minute and I guess that fucks me over but I have no other choice than to ride it out or to die. Last night I did contemplate going up the garden but it didn’t last for long even though it cropped up a few times. They were only fleeting thoughts though.  Anyway day by day or hour by hour has to be ok for now. 

So after going to the doctors yesterday and him seeing a lot of urgency in my mental state I relaxed a but and then went high last night. A mini high.  This morning I’m struggling yet again. I couldn’t sleep straight away last night even though I went to bed about 10. It must of been about midnight when I forced myself to turn the light off and try going to sleep. Had I not of done that I would of been awake for hours.  My alarm woke me this morning and I can’t be arsed with thinking about work right now but as usual I’ll force myself to go in, wear my ‘I’m ok everything is ok’ mask.    

Ah I almost forgot. Yesterday afternoon I went to try getting almost finished on a job that I was doing before Christmas. The people there are really nice and the guy is also bipolar. Anyway I had told them I hadn’t been well last week with the cough etc I had and they asked how I was and I ended up telling them all about the doctors and why I had been. They were both so kind about it. It really touched me. They said I have done exactly what I should do and the woman said she was so proud of me for realising I need to get help. People like that amazement and really make me see how nice the world is. What lovely kind people.    

Ok so back to now. I’m anxious as fuck yet again and I have so many fears about everything. The doctor was more than true to his word. Yesterday afternoon the mental health hospital at Helesdon phoned up to sort out an appointment.  I will call them this morning because right now I feel desperate again. I’m sick and tired of this mixed episodes that I’m having. Countless mood changes in each day. I must just hang in there I guess but I know it’s going to take ages to get some kind of help. It’s like there are two or more of me. The real me inside, the worker me who carries on even in breaking point, the family man me who tries to hold it together at home even though at times I’m not. Who is the real me though? Who?

I have been to see the doctor this morning. I told him enough for him to listen properly in the short space of time a doctors appointment has. He is fast tracking me fotr psychiatric assessment. He said there are big elements of bipolarism. He offered medication for anxiety and anything else if I wanted them. I explained why I prefer not to and he totally understood and agreed that for me it’s probably the best thing. I have to say I was amazed at how well he listened. He’s told me I will be seen by psychiatrics in 3-5 days which is a huge relief. I feel a little less crazy now. My moods are still chopping and changing lots. I did have huge anxiety whilst in there because he had to talk to someone briefly and while waiting for a reply I waited outside. When asked back in he had a syringe and some anaesthetic cream on his desk. It made me paranoid and anxious that he wanted blood. Luckily he didn’t. I know ive started on a long road but at least I’m traveling it properly and not alone any more. I’m just glad he listened and was openminded.