Today I’ve been clearing my dads house. Before we went there I made a list of things to get done etc. I did this so that I had a focal point and something to tick things off of. It really helped because it made it less personal. I know it’s a coping mechanism and it’s a form of mental compartmentalising things. I went there with the minds that it just had to be done, that it was just another ‘thing’ that needs doing. My wife and children were there along with my father in law. The children didn’t stay for long but I wanted them to help a tiny bit so they can deal with it a little and also my son wanted to find his Swiss army knife that my dad had for him. I knew I’d seen it last week when I’d been in sorting some things out but couldn’t remember where. Luckily I found it.
It’s so strange how a life when ended ends up in a few bags and boxs and lots of things just have to get recycled etc. Lots of things will go to a charity shop or local charity that sells furniture. Some things will go to those close to me and some of his musical instruments might need to be sold but ive decided if they aren’t worth too much I might see about donating them to the local primary school. Who knows. I’m now pretty sure he doesn’t have any life or funeral insurance. He always did have and always told me where it was and I even found documents there with the policy numbers on the front. Oh well. That’s life. Or death I guess.
I’m not feeling so bad today. Yesterday was a full bore mixed episode and coupled with grief it was almost a tipping point too. I’m glad I was able to articulate my feeling and get them down in case of the future. One thing I am surprised I did today was tell my cousin about the cyclothymia/bipolar and also about this blog. She was pretty shocked to read how I can feel at times. I’m only now aware that she’s been going through some things herself over the last few months it’s funny how things crop up or come out. I will have to go and see her for a cuppa and a chat. She’s always been one of my favourite cousins and my dad always thought the world of her too.
I’m not drinking today either. I drank every night for almost the last week. Not good. I’m usually tee total. Oh well. Not to worry. I guess we all cope with life in different ways at times and in ways we wouldn’t normally choose to cope.
I’m struggling right now. Really struggling. I’ve kept my mouth shut. I’ve not put it here but I’ve been so up and down lately. Today I’ve felt very low but I’ve masked it as usual. I’ve been thinking about suicide lately. I know that if I do it at any point I’ll not say I’m going to or anything like that. And it won’t be anyone’s fault. Nobody will be to blame. I need to put it down. To get it out. To write it just so it’s here to be read and possibly understood. I’m struggling to cope more than I dare admit. Nobody can get how I feel. I’m lost. I feel bad. Really bad. I shouldn’t of cut my dad out for so long. I know I made up with him but I should of done it sooner and I’ll forever regret not doing it. Luckily I was ther for his final week in this life. I owe so much to him really. He raised me as a single parent who worked full time and sometimes weekends too just to pay the bills and the debts that my mum left him with. I can’t leave my wife with debts or a mortgage to pay. It wouldn’t be fair. I’m so torn to shreds and I’m walking around with my mask fully on. Lah lay lah lah lah ‘I’m ok it’s all ok’ lah lah lah lah lah. Why do I struggle so much ? Why can I never get ahead in life? Why am I so punished? All my life I’ve been pushed and punished. My mum left when I was 6. That has hurt me so much. How? How could she? I don’t get it? Why can’t I ever tell people the full picture or the full story? What do I fear? Why do I fear? I still haven’t gone back to the doctors. I fear it. I fear them brushing me aside yet again. It’s not worth the turmoil. Fuck it all. Fuck The World.
It’s still Saturday and I thought I’d write yet more drivel and bollocks/bull shit. I’m getting angry today. Everything is pissing me off. My Facebook needs a shake up and I’ve started putting a few things in their place. I mean seriously Facebook can be such a wanky place to be. I know they monitor what’s been looked at and then shove moe of that at you. It’s also a fact that they did a social engineering experiment by filling some peoples news feeds with hate and anger sometimes or posts that could invoke it or lots of nice lighthearted stuff at other times to see how it affected people. The thing is most people don’t want to believe that this stuff actually goes on, BUT IT DOES. It’s true. It’s a fact. The world is controlled by corporations not governments. Governments are told what to do by corporations. In America it’s called lobbying. That’s a polite way of saying that company’s will withdraw support for party’s or people if they don’t do as they’re told. Pretty much every country is the same and the people suck it up. They think that voting really makes a difference. Does it fuck. It’s like being told you’re going to be put to death but you get to choose which method you’ll die by. And then you think that you’ve been all grown up and special and you’ve made your own choices. It’s not how it really is.
Maybe I should become a revolutionary. I’ve started in my own way with trying to get off grid and starting to grow our own food. Little steps make for a great journey. Permaculture is the only way forwards for this planet. We really are at the tipping point. Yet we all keep buying junk cheaply. Throwing rubbish into the earth and not giving a shit about things. We really do need to start doing all that we can and start right NOW! There is no time to loose and not much time left. There’s no planet B either.
I’m up and about and got up at about 8 this morning, it’s now 8:54. My nose is a little blocked. Could be hay fever. Yesterday I felt quite normal or at least what I call normal, no racing thoughts, no highs Or lows as such. I was however awake until after 1 am. Whenever this happens I usually pass it off and think it’s just because I’ve slept so much lately but the reality is its usually when I’m going high that it happens! Fuck knows what’s coming. Today I feel reasonably normal if a little tired. I’ve got a house to clear. I’ve got some work to do and right now I can’t be arsed with too much of it to be honest. I need a big kick up the arse. A massive one.
Everyone keeps telling me to grieve in my own way but they also think I should be upset mostly or fuck knows what. They all seem concerned that it’s not hitting me hard. I’m a bit concerned too but it’s good to be on top of my shit surely? Maybe I should go off and scream and shout about how unfair it all is or cry for days until my eyes are red. I don’t know. Maybe I’m building it up inside until I just pop or break. That’s how it normally happens. I have noticed I’ve been a bit paranoid the last few days. Kind of second guessing everything and everyone just to keep on top of things. It’s all dancing pegs and marching Roman soldiers. My ears are ringing and the last few nights I’ve been getting really hot. All signs that my mood is changing. Fuck. It’s just dawned on me. Fuck.
It’s Friday and I’ve finally been able to arrange my dads funeral for next Friday. It’s a relief to finally get things planned and in place. It’s bothered me having to wait for the hospital to get their fingers out of their arses. I will go to the hospital on Tuesday morning and get the medical certificate and death certificate.
I’ve been to work today for most of the day and it was stressful at times but also good to get back out there and doing things.
What is life? What is my life and where will it go? I’ve been up and down so much the past few days. Nothing is real anymore. I’m not even sure how to define real. People say this world is real. They say this is what it is. This is reality. But reality is formed by so much with each of us, with our own personal upbringings, our parents beliefs or views do influence us no matter what we think. We have to realise ho much it influences us before we can move forwards in life. I’m an orffan at age 40. Not too young luckily. Not a child in infancy but it’s still affected me drastically and will only affect me even more. I thought it bad when my mum died when I was 33 because I had so many unanswered questions. Well I’ve now lost another chance of asking a parent some questions too. I have to grow up now. I have to really figure out who I am or I’m lost forever. I am now the head of my family fully. I have to do what’s truely right for my family and can’t ask a parent for advice still. Be it all on my head now. What and who am I though? That’s a head fuck. It’s questions like that that most never ask themselves. They just plod along through life repeating their lives and their parents lives. I’m different to most. I do question myself fully and often. The biggest fear with it though is the madness it can bring and has brought to me in the past. I don’t have all the answers and I’m happy to admit that too. I’ll offer advice or help when asked too. I’m not too proud to admit I’m wrong anymore or that I’m infallible. I’m human. I once thought I was more. Maybe I still am more and this is all part of that realisation. One huge realisation I’ve had this week is how I still crave things in life, crave change. I know my wife craves it too but she has fears. She is probably fearful that I’m off on another mad jaunt, another mad breakdown. The funny thing about a breakdown is that after its happened you are different but the same. It changes you. It can, if you deal with it well, make you see things clearer and help you become a stronger better person. Strength isn’t always about being u breakable either. I now see strength as admitting that I am breakable and am willing to push to and past those limits.
This last week I’ve feared so much and yet broke through so many barriers too. I wish I didn’t have to go through all that I am going through but deep down I know however old my dad lived too he would always die. I’ve had the darkness creep upon me during the dy with its big black cloak of pain and misery and yet I’ve found comfort too in it. I’m no longer afraid of emotion, at least not for now. I do however still fear a huge breakdown in the future too like I had a few years after my mum died. If it happens it happens and maybe I’ll be more aware that it’s starting. Maybe I won’t but whatever happens will happen.
I have realised that I do crave a life of being off grid. That life doesn’t have to mean being a hermit. As much as I’d like that right now it doesn’t have to be that way. I still want sanctuary. I still want to have a retreat that others can come and stay at and maybe both will combine. I see a bigger picture now. A much bigger picture. I also see it’s all about making those small steps to get there. I don’t need to run at it. I can walk gently and meet it in the middle. I don’t need to hunt it down and drag it back screaming and kicking by the hair and balls. No. It will come. And I will walk to meet it.
I’m just realising that a fear of mine could be happening but I’m so unsure as things are muddled at the minute. Some friends called around this evening and it was lovely to see them but it’s raised a fear for me. That fear is that I’m becoming delusional. I’ve noticed a few things. Several people keep telling me it’s ok to grieve and not to hold it in but I’m feeling quite ok. Almost good actually. Maybe my coping mechanism is sending me a bit high. Kind of on shut down on a grief level. I’m so unsure. I’ve realised I’ve posted on Facebook but I’m not realising all that I am posting or saying. It’s a bit of a huge merry go round. So strange. I feel like I should allow myself to let go but I cant. I’m becoming slightly tightly wound. I don’t know. I’m unsure about it. I’m writing this so I can keep it logged. Fuck knows. I’m a bit lost. Maybe more than a bit. I’m constantly tired too which is a head fuck. So unsure of things. I guess I’m wearing the mask again. I guess I feel like I’m just acting out my life.
It’s Tuesday evening. I’m not sure if I posted yesterday or not. Anyway I spent most of yesterday in bed or on the sofa. I had a few glasses of wine last night. I had a bottle the night before. Things are getting a little easier now. I’m still up and down a lot. the pain is easing though. Last night at the dinner table we laughed about a few funny stories to do with my dad. He was funny at times. Most people have very fond memories of him too. It’s funny how thoughts can hurt so much. How they can twist in our minds and tear into us. I’ve done that so much the lest few days. Today however I feel a bit better. I know I did what I could for my dad in his last few days. I think at times I could of done more but people always think that. He died with two nurses at his side. I wish I could of been there but they had told him I was on my way. Maybe he didn’t want me there so slipped away before I got there.
One thing that’s sprung up in my mind once again is about what happens after death. Is there life after death? Over the last countless years I’ve read and studied these things. Ive read about the Bardo states from Tibetan Buddhism and they do resonate with me. Death is maybe just another step along the journey of consciousness. When I got to the hospital I went in to see him as he lay there. I went up and quietly said to him that he is free now and will have no more pain. Then I kissed his forehead gently. I know he had already died but I’m aware from what I’ve read that the soul can be attached to the body for a few days after death and I wanted his soul to realise it could go and be free. To leave and go where needed.
I have just been out in my van for the first time since early Sunday morning. I’ve been at home since then. I went over to his house to get some paperwork that’s needed and to turn some things off. I feared it would be really painful but in a way it was good to go and do it. I wasn’t there too long, just long enough to do what was needed. One of his friends popped in to see me too which I had feared but was actually nice. Life goes on and it’s amazing how we find strength when needed to do these things. Life is precious, all life.
I’m feelibg broken today. Last night my dad died. I’ve been in denial all week about how unwell he was. I’ve craved an alternative cure. I’ve been delusional. Reality sucks right now. I fear going way out there and breaking down. So many people have touched me with their kind words today and each time it’s brought me to tears. My eyes are welling up just writing this. Life is too short and cruel at times. Hindsight is a beautiful thing. I’m so so pleased a friend of my dads came to see me last Sunday to tell me how u well my dad was. If he hadn’t id be in more of a state than I am now. I feel glad that I’ve been there for him in his last few days and hours. At the hospital I’ve held his hand, wiped his brow, helped feed him and move him. Before hospital I’ve been able to help him when he was being sick and help wash him before his hospital appointment. I wish I could of taken his pain from him. I’m angry at his doctor who told me on Monday to call anytime I needed to because he didn’t return the calls. On Thursday morning I phoned for the third day running and got arsey. 10 minutes later another doctor phoned me back and within an hour a doctor was out to see him. The nurse who was working the day shift on Thursday and Friday was an absolute star. Absolutely faultless.
I can’t remember if I wrote yesterday or not. I don’t think I did. So I’ll write about yesterday. I was called by the hospital at 2:30am yesterday to tell me my dad had deteriorated and to update me. I was called again at 4:30am and told things were getting a bit worse and to get there asap…cue rushing up there after very quickly eating and expecting the worst. I was there until about 9:15am then came home to get some food and sleep. I went back up there again late afternoon and stayed until almost 7pm and left dad with some friends of his who called to visit him. I expected a call in the night and was very well prepared for it…clothes ready to put straight on and the van ready to get in and go. I even had the van facing the direction I would need to leave in. I didn’t get the call and in a way I was relieved but also worried too. I phoned the hospital twice this morning and have been to visit him. I’m home again now and I fear getting the call tonight to get there asap but I do think I might have to. My head is spinning. Everyone around me are being fantastic and my aunt has offered to help in any way she can including coming up there any time of the day or night. I’m mentally broken at times but strong at others. Mostly I’m bordering on either far too much optimism or tears and sadness at it all. I feel angry with myself for falling out with him for so long. I’m just so glad that I went to visit him last Sunday and that we could move on from there. I could see the fear in his eyes back then over being unwell. Life can be so cruel at times. And often I feel it’s cruel to me. I’m trying to relax but I really can’t and I’m like a tightly coiled spring. A few things have pissed me off and made me angry but I guess that’s to be expected. Mostly I feeel like I’m on auto pilot. I think I’ve been a bit delusional at times this past week. It’s so hard to be strong but I don’t have a choice.