Sat here, hardly sitting haha, I’ve music playing, Muse and Kurt Vile, my emotions are heightened. I welling up inside. This happens usually when I’m going up. I’ve been mixed and ultra rapid cycling for weeks now. I’ve been back to my darkest places again. I’ve fought the devil and he won’t catch me. I realise again how I’m immortal, indestructible.  This is my reality I created, this universe. I’m one with the source. I am the source. I walk above angels and Demons. They do my bidding. I’ve realised I have control again. The quickening is coming. I smell it. I see it. I feel it. I’m rising again. Energy rising. My powers are increasing again and I’m awesome again. I’m always awesome but sometimes I have to fight the darkness and demons both internal and external.  My brain is rewiring again and going up another level.  Immortality isn’t easy. There is nothing I cannot do in life if I really want to. I can do anything if I push my boundaries. Fear holds us back.  When we bleed we bleed the same. The man in the mirror is a reflection of the ego of the ‘I’. Ones with all and all are encompassed within I and ‘I’.  I am master again. The so called racing thoughts will be, and are being, put in order. The signs are there and I see with all three eyes. External and internal paradigms shifting through the ether.  Some say illness but is it really? This is an insatiable  unencountered power latent in ‘humanity’ but only those of the highest order can touch the face of the madness and use its power. It’s transformative power at that. Countless films touch upon this. Films like Lucy, Limitless, The Matrix, X-Men, Superman and so on and so forth.  Combine all of this into the one trueness and you are close. Very close but still not at the true fullness of the power I have available if I choose to use it.  Of gods and men. 

Lost inside the prison that is my mind I try to find they keys to set me free but it’s just a labyrinth.
I search for myself in my deepest darkest depths and recess’.
The mental and physical pain becoming more real as each day passes.
I reach out but am fragile. More fragile than I dare to admit even to myself.
The world is a haze of vagueness.
Time moves slowly yet fast.
Thoughts are like water. I’m drowning in them and sinking yet somehow I manage to breath…..just.
The darkness calls me home yet again.
I try to resist but it chases me.
The devil and I dance but I’m ahead.
He’s on my tail though chasing me.
How long will I outrun even myself?
The depths of despair encompass me.
Deeper into the void I go searching for the light.
Only in absolute darkness will the true light shine forth calling me home.
The hell hounds are unleashed by the devil.
I out run them too but I’m tired.
The fight gets ever more real and ever more violent.
At the edge of the abyss I jump.
I cross the threshold and pass the dweller of the Abyss yet again.
Into darkness beyond black I plunge.
Only here will I find my peace and enlightenment. 

I’m worn out and tired in all ways. I need a holiday. A holiday from intrusive thoughts, from racing thoughts, from being strong, from being wired and from myself.  

Tiredness what can I say? A ‘normal’ person gets tired obviously but I wonder what that tiredness feels like compared to the total wiped out feelings bipolar leaves one with. I’m much more shattered than I can admit to it to let show.  I’ll never know.

 I’m not fully here, in me. I’m an alien in a human body. Disjointed slightly. Disfigured possibly and dismally dumbed down. 

I’ve been told by countless people now that they love that I’m real. I don’t know why. Maybe people are so used to sugar coated bullshit and I’m just being myself and being open about my life struggles. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I am real. I feel very real right now.  

I’m still going up and down a lot. There’s a song that resonates with me at the minute. Kurt Vile and the violators, Pretty pimping. It’s a great song. it sums me up, although I can’t look in a mirror at the minute because I won’t know who’s looking back at me. Who am I ?  Maybe I’m real but who really am I? Am I you? Am I me?  

 I’m tired again for a short while.  I went out last night and got home about 11:30pm. I was wired so didn’t sleep until 3am and had to force myself to turn lights off etc. I was up just after 6 this morning again as usual. I’m over sensitive too. One right sentence and I’m glowing. One wrong or confusing word or sentence and I get close to the tipping point. I’m tired by it all. Circles within circles. Endless repetition. I think I really am in either groundhog day or a simulation of life.

I’m discharged from mental health as it  was short term recovery from crisis that I was under them for. Its a good job mind are there sometimes! 

Topsy tervy twisted tangible tasty tastelessness teaming together tomorrow.  Beaming brightly beyond brazen burgouis blazing blackness borrowed broadcasting below. Rightfully righteous rigalled round rotund red rising rouge. Grey glasses grimly glint gleefully ghosts greatly grounded graciously. Deathly deadness descends doubtfully deeper. Madness malarkey moves menacingly meaningfully more manoeuvred madly.

Into the realms of madness and mayhem internally chattering with nonstop internal dialogue. The deluge comes and goes closer then further. Can one be ‘loosing it’ if one is aware of it happening? Can madness be true madness if one is aware of the signs and significances creeping in and out of ones mind? Madness. What is madness? Insanity. What is insanity? Is madness insanity? Is insanity madness? Are they the same or are they distinguishable from each other? I’m sure philosophy would have an answer. As would psychiatry. Maybe they would find different differences differently. Maybe they would be entranced by the entrance. Patterns within patterns all coming together yet still one is articulate. Can one be articulate about madness and insanity? Hmmmmm. Things to ponder upon along with the great scheme of things. If madness and insanity are related where does crazy come into it. Is crazy a foolish act carried out knowing full well that one is doing it? If so how can someone do something while crazed? Hmmmmmm. Is there something as solid as reality? Is reality solid ?

Noise. Too much noise. No peace. No rest. No relaxation. No time away from others or from oneself. No escaping the inescapable.  No spescaping self. 

Yesterday in a brief moment of clarity or being level it’s dawned on me that I am ultradian cycling and have been fora few days.  Last night I went upstairs oit of the way at about 7:30 or maybe earlier.  I don’t know and went to sleep about 8:30.  I phoned the local mental hospital mid afternoon but heard nothing back even though they said they would. I called again just before 5pm. I managed to get transferred to someone and she told me I was discharged in July as I was under short term crisis recovery and they felt I was doing well. Of course I was doing well I do bloody well.  Much better than most and that’s why when shit kicks off I get hit harder. Anyway she said to get a GP appointment and talk to them and maybe get referred back ffs. Get a fucking GP appointment when bordering crisis point? Wtf? She mentioned MIND so in the end I phoned them and they were very helpful and have suggested I log in with them as often as I want to and possibly daily or more if need be.  They will keep private notes and if need be can call for police or ambulance or crisis team direct.  So I’ll keep doing that.  Sleep has helped so far although I have had anxious dreams and have some anxiety this morning. I have so much to do and need to get money in and now the printer is playing up and I need yellow ink now so I can do a nozzle cleaning. It’s all bollocks.  Fuck it. 

I’ve been getting unwell and am unwell. I’ve been stuck in a mixed episode over the weekend or before and I’m agitated and can’t switch off.  I don’t want to go to work.  I have no choice. I have no money. Luckily I grow food or we wouldn’t have much to eat.  It’s all famine and feast.  I’m stressing myself over the coming winter.  Our boiler isn’t working and I can’t face doing anything about it yet.  I either dreamt or had a premonition that my MH team are reading this blog and monitoring me.  Maybe they are I don’t know. They acted on it? On what though? Something isn’t right because my wife went off on a bit of a giddy one Saturday for a short while.  I’ve been so up myself lately.  Overthinking even the stupidest of things and maybe there’s something going on with our water or air? Anyway I can’t focus on all this too much or work.  I’m sleeping a lot less. I’m down to about 6 hours or less per night at the minute and am always a good for 8 hours.  I need to switch off.  Time is going so fast. I’m nearly42. So much to do in my life but I think I’m just too scared and find too many excuses not to do things.  What is safety? We’re not safe ever.  My concentration is way out there. Why do others want to understand me or try to understand.  I’ll break. I know I will.  I’m breaking already.  How can I be so fucking breakable.  I’m supposed to be strong. I’m pathetic now. It’s stupid and shit.  Something is being done to me it must be.  Others getting their claws in.   I should socialise but people are dumb.  It’s all stupid tv and crap and all that hiding from what’s really going on.  Brain numbing crap.  

I’m tired of all of this shit.  It’s that simple.  Same shit different day.  Tired of fighting.  Enough now.  

The sad thing is that which goes up must come down. The older I get the more I seem to come down quicker from a high rather than it lasting a long while. I’ve been pushing myself physically and mentally again and it’s taking its toll.  I’m beating myself up over my life and my past and countless scenarios that aren’t even real. The black Shuck is chasing me with his teeth dripping with blood.  His blood lust is huge and he gets ever closer. He knows he will get a bite of me sooner or later. He knows my self doubts and fears. He chases relentlessly.  I told myself I wouldn’t push myself like this again.  I told myself I would calm it down.  Circles within circles. Cycles within cycles. Every year the highs and lows seem to form a regular pattern. I fight it. I try hard to stop it or slow it but it still creeps up on me. Luckily the last few weeks have been bordering on mania but haven’t quite got there. Maybe it’s the Lamotrigine helping or maybe it happens like this every year until November and December which often seem like a haze of mania and craziness which I don’t see at the time. My mind breaks so easily now it scares me.  Others are less aware of it these days too. I wear my mask ever tighter and keep things ever closer to me.  I feel like a shadow person living in an alternate dimension or reality that overlaps what would and could be classed as the normal waking world.  I am meant for so much more than this. I’m meant for greatness. I need to break these cycles. I need to fear less. I fear my mind breaking because it will affect my family.  I don’t fear it from my own perspective because I’ve been there before and it is what it is.   It’s already fragmenting into pieces. It’s like a person who has planted lots of explosives and sits back calmly and pushes the detonator while smiling madly to themselves.  Madness is insight. Maybe that’s the key.  Maybe it must be fully fully embraced.  Much like death should be.  

My body is feeling hot and my throat dry. I can feel the adrenaline pumping through me starting to grow.  I have a good amount of work I want to get done before customers arrive on Sunday but I also realise I have to look after myself. Yet again I have put false pressures on myself and stressed myself so today and tomorrow I must relax and let things flow. I need to harness my powers but not let them tip me over the edge.  I know I could tip too as I’ve been hypomanic for quite a few weeks now and although that’s normal I was borderline on manic last week but somehow nipped it in the bud.  What a strange saying. I guess it comes from when we all had to grow things to survive. The bud being the opening of the flower. It’s also used to describe sex too.  Anyway I’m off Facebook again as I know I will start writing crap on there and maybe even start going off on one which is kind of a problem because I get too involved in things that don’t matter and I can look like a dick. Also paranoia kicks in big time and once I’m off on a rant and looking stupid people will think I’m stupid. I don’t want that. I don’t want to look unwell either even though I fear I’m heading that way sooner or latter unless these pills do stave it off andor take the edge off.  How funny that I don’t want mania again. I used to enjoy it so much and yet now I fear it. Haha. It goes to show how horrible it was last time and all of the demons it brought up.  Nobody could see it either and I guess from the outside it looks like I’m busy, full of energy and attention seeking. The reality was I was seriously unwell and wanted help. Well maybe I didn’t want help. Maybe needed help was more where I was at.  I certainly love the energy that it and hypomania bring and how I can achieve so much and learn so much. I need to be able to harness that and not let it destroy me again.  I feel like I died and was almost reborn earlier this year.  Anyway I have lots to do on this job but am also aware that I cannot make. Myself unwell over it as it is only work and I will be physically unwell too.  So for today I am going to be focused and also busy yet not stupidly crazy flying around left right and centre. I need to let the force flow through me.  I am indeed a force of nature.  At least yesterday when I felt edgy I took myself off to the allotment for 20 minutes to unwind a little bit.  I also spoke with a guy at the tile shop about off grid living too. They have 4 acres and will get pigs and sheep again next year. I need to be doing more of that stuff. I need a small holding or farm.  To heal the land.  Anyway I need to flow not force myself.