It’s Saturday evening already. Where’s the day gone. We im feeling pretty level but pretty inspired and ive had nearly half a bottle of wine too! I don’t normally drink but hey ho. Well this morning I had a lay in until just after 7 and then got up, ate breakfast, had a cuppa and a little time up then went back to bed briefly to read. Well I i tended to read. I opened a book on my iPad in kindle. The next thing I knew was waking up, the iPad was locked as I’d been asleep but, and this is a weird BUT, as I looked at it I saw red weighting on it briefly and heard a voice in my head. I tried to read the writing and listen to the voice but alas it was a no go.  I’m intrigued now. Was it halucinations or just that strange state between sleep and waking? I do dream very quickly after falling asleep but I’m sure I was dreaming about permaculture as that’s what I had been reading. Plus the kindle book doesn’t have red weighting either! Very strange. Maybe it was a message from Sirius B, where I’m from originally. Sirius is where I was given some secret information and secret 3d star maps too.  

Oh well all becomes clear in the fullness of time, or so I’ve been told by others. Let’s wait and see. My only fear is that it was an  important message, but maybe that’s ok and its logged in my higher consciousness 

It is looking like today could be an oh fuck day. The results are coming in from the general election and it’s not looking good. It’s looking like the conservative party will get enough seats for a majority. I wouldn’t normally post about something like this but the wider implications are huge. The conservatives want to chop the NHS up and sell it all off so that it becomes private. Free healthcare could well disappear. They want to cut spending everywhere and mental health will suffer from these cuts. They also want to get us out of Europe and also they want to abolish human rights. Why abolish human rights? That really cannot be good. In fact it sounds awful. Thway will try to push through hunting again. They victimise the poor, they’ve created workfare schemes that allow employers to have people who are on benefits work for free. The list goes on. They are out to protect the wealthy and the knock on effect is that environmental issues won’t be as important. None of this is good for this country or for the world. People are asleep to the devastation that is going on. Fracking will once again be pushed. Where did it all go so wrong for us?  I guess this is all more relevant than it at first seems regarding what this blog is about, mental health and bipolar/cyclothymia. The limits will once again be pushed. Yes it could well be an oh fuck kind of day.  

Ok so I woke at just after 5 again. Luckily I dozed again for a while until 5:50. Life goes on. I’m not feeling too bad although my ears are ringing and I was late going to sleep. Let’s see what the day ahead brings. 

Everything has calmed down a bit. Things are going ok and I’ve immersed myself in permaculture ideas. It’s a fantastic way to live and to reap great benefits from the world. I think I’ve levelled right off though and that’s a bit boring to be honest but at the same time it’s bloody good to be on a level mood wise. I always question if this is really a normal type of mood set or if it’s all just more delusions. Who knows. I certainly don’t because they kind of morph from one into the other slightly, unless I drop into depression. Then it’s a massive nose dive into the abyss. Anyway so far so good, I’m still breathing, the world is still going around and it’s looking like it’s going to be a nice sunny day. Jolly good.   I need to get my arse in gear over a few jobs but that’ll come no problem.  

I find that when I’m level like this I think that there’s actually nothing wrong with my mental health at all. I feel a bit fraudulent and fake but then it can all change in an instant, quite literally. So I enjoy the good energy and moods while they last, I enjoy the highs however short lived or however long as long as I don’t go fully off my rocker and I try to prepare mentally for the lows. I’m still seeking enlightenment and enlightenment is still seeking me. Maybe I’ll get to the end of my life and realise I was always there or ‘here’ as all these new age gurus would put it. I see my life as a constantly moving transition of my evolution as a spiritual being. I’m still trying to live the way I know is correct. In fact possibly more so than ever before. Permaculture ties in with the Taoist and Buddhist ideals I try to live by as well as the ritual magick, mediation, sourcery and alchemy too.

Ah meditation. I’ve not had the right mind frame to meditate properly for a while now. I’ve had fleeting meditations and that’s ok. I know that if I push it when my mind isn’t quite right then it’s detrimental, much the same as reading. When my mind goes up a few notches those things go out the window and I get lost on all manner of obsessions like Facebook and Twitter etc. I can see now that I am on there less and less so my mental health is getting back into a good balance pint albeit a very precarious one as always but that’s life baby!

It’s looking like it’ll be a wet rainy day today. I’ve got some work I can do inside for a while on one job then a window to paint at home too. I’m loving my work again at the minute.  I’m tired though this morning!

I had a customer ring me last night because I’d not finished something on his window. He didn’t sound like he believed that my van had been in the garage most of last week. Oh well.

 I need to get my arse in gear and organise some things regarding work and jobs so that there’s not such a huge overlap with things. I’ll maybe have time later today. I don’t want to get over tired but I need to get cracking with some things though and push some things forwards! 

It’s Tuesday already and it’s the beginning of my working week. I’m feeling warm and my ears are ringing a fair bit. I’m not overly anxious either. I’m not sure what the weather is going to do but I’ve got things I can get on with anyway.  I like being busy with work. I’m sat here wondering what I can do next week and I need to write a list. Once at work everything will pop back into my memory.  I need to get back to meditating. It keeps me well. It keeps me balanced too and I think I need to find balance again.    

We went to Norwich on Sunday and I bought superman trainers. I like them because they’re a little different, like me, and I have superpowers but it’s a secret. One of my powers is being able to see through situations, not always my own, but others. While there on Sunday I heard lots of sirens. I’m not sure if they were all real or not because my wife and family didn’t hear all of them and I did ask them. That worried me a little because up until now any hallucination has been visual not auditory. Well I do get smells too so I guess that’s not the only one.  

I’ve noticed that my small muscles between my lower rear right ribs are in spasm on and off. That’s not so good. It can lead to bigger spasms. I had it a year or more ago and ended up physically unwell. It’s not the first time either. Hopefully it’ll go away.

  I’m into week two of working out again and I can see the shape returning to my muscles. I should start to put some weight on too as they fill it. It’s an amazing process to see happen on and in my own physical body. My mind to muscle connection is strong too.  

I just need a good mental balance too. 

We’ve been out today up to Norwich. I needed trainers. I bought some normal type ones and some superman trainer boots. They’re so fantastic. I love them. I might look silly in them or even look an idiot but I really don’t care. I’m superb.  I’m feeling superb too.

  I’ve been up and down so much this last week it’s shocking. I’m hoping it either levels off or I go up again asap. Either way I’ll be ok. I always am. I guess I don’t have much choice in it so it’s better to accept it than to fight it. Although I do fight it at times. I try hard to just flow like water, as Bruce Lee said ‘be like water my friend’.  Life is life and I will deal with what it throws up when it throws it at me. I’m ready to move forwards in life yet again. The last 3 or so years since I went through a breakdown I’ve been stagnant and have been living a life of fear and escapism. From now on I will move forwards even more. No holding back with my dreams and our dreams. Life is precious and short and I will make the best of it

Last night it was about midnight or just after before I went to sleep. Normally it’s 10-10:30 at the latest. Most of the past week it’s been 10pm. I’ve been pretty tired all week but I’m getting some energy back. I didn’t finish work until 5:40pm yesterday and was shattered. I considered not working out and just sitting down but I didnt. Nope. I got in and then did a workout followed by sawing some wood up. Then I helped my son do some black smithing making another coat hook. All good. I know often when I work late I get wired and vice versa. It ends up being a huge circle that I go around and around in. I’m never sure which way around it is. I guess it’s both. One triggers the other depending on where I’m at mentally. Also because I was working on a roof yesterday my hips ache today.  

Today I’m feeling pretty good. I’m tired but I’ll rest later. I’ll take it easy this weekend too. Although I’d like to get some things done in the garden. 

Last night I had angry dreams. Before waking up I had dreamt that I’d invited my dad around to sort things out. It went wrong. He started telling me what to do and started being controlling. He invaded my space, invaded my daughters space too and was exceptionally rude to my wife. I know it’s only a dream but it got to me. Anyway I grabbed a glass in the dream and took it outside to smash. It didn’t break properly, which angered me even more, so I picked it up again and threw it down harder. All the time he was still in my house. I saw a big shard of glass and was going to pick it up and cut myself, but didn’t.  Then I came back inside to get the cup he was drinking from to break but didn’t. I threw him out instead. He asked me to help him load his car but I refused and just sent him on his way.  I see this dream as quite significant because I nearly called in to see him yesterday to talk with him but I didnt. I avoided it. I’m not fully sure why I avoided it but I did. Possibly because of my mental state.  

I’m surprised at how much this dream got to me and I guess it says lots about where my head is at. I’m almost feeling normal again. Almost. Now I’ve written that I’ve got a megadeth song going around in my head! ‘Almost honest’. I think it’s because he sings the word ‘almost’ in a drawn out way. Anyway it’s going around and around now. So back to feeling almost normal…. I’m not really sure what normal is anymore. Normal to me is when inner conflicts calm down a bit I guess and I don’t have anger as much or as much super energy.  I’m really tired again at the minute but that’s ok for now. I’ll rest over the weekend and hopefully then  kick back with my super strength. Even superman needs a rest sometimes.  I’m in contact with people off a Facebook group a bit less at the minute as I feel like I’m recharging my batteries I am still in touch with 2 quite a bit L and N. They’re cool people and have helped me enormously. Probably more than they realise. Maybe more than they will ever know to be honest. I’m not sure I’ll ever be normal.  It’s boring anyway. I’m not even sure I’m levelled off either! I’m more tired than usual but I’m back working out hard and that helps me to sleep and I’m back on my bodybuilding ‘supplements’ too which are possibly helping me to grow and rest.    

Life. What is life really?  

Its Thursday morning and I am waiting to her about my van. I’m hoping it will be fixed asap this morning. It was going to be ready last night.  I need it this morning to get some work done and get some concrete layer on a job. I’m not anxious though which makes a change. I’ve got a window I can paint while I wait to hear about the van. All will be good. I can make some bills out today and chase some people over some stuff too. My head hurts a bit but hopefully that will dissapear pretty soon.

I’m sleeping better again and feel like I’m still catching up from being high.  I’m not sure if I’m levelled out yet or not. I still see the occasional thing that’s not there. I still have poor memory too at times. There are a few other ongoing things too. Oh well. That’s life. Well it’s my life anyway. I’ve not meditated for a while. My head is too busy but it might help calm my thoughts down I guess. Catch 22 situation as always!    

Yesterday we had a woman around regarding a plan that’s in place to help get my son going back to school. He gets really bad anxiety. I can really relate to it. Often I mask my anxiety so that I don’t stop us doing things. It’s amazing how much one can mask over these things when fully aware of them. Others aren’t aware when you’re good at hiding it all. Much like anger. Others don’t see how close you are to going over the edge. I can have such huge inner rage and want to act on it but outwardly I look reasonably calm. I’m good at controlling it, which is a good trait to have. Having spoken with others who struggle too I have realised I’m very very lucky to keep it as under control as I do. If I didnt I would either be in hospital or prison and that’s not just because of the anger issues.

  Often I feel like I’m loosing control. I’m so used to it now it’s becoming or has become normal, not that I’m fully sure I know what normal is. I’m still engaged in my own enlightenment. Maybe this is all part of it. Maybe there’s such a crossover between mental health issues and enlightenment. Maybe enlightenment is such a break from the ‘norm’. Who knows. All I can do is understand myself more each day and deal with it from there. 

The van I bought in January or February was in the garage last week with a seized rear caliper. This week it’s in with the steering gone stiff and has probably blown the seal or plate off the back of the steering pump. Both are common faults. Hopefully the steering is covered on the warranty. The brake caliper wasn’t. It’s going to throw my day out today, but that’s not so bad, I can live with that. Also I’ve done well getting it in asap too. Normally I’d panick and bury my head in the sand but not this time. I am however starting to get paranoid about it. I’m wondering what may go wrong next.

I’ve noticed my chest is tight this morning. It may be a little stress over the van I’m not sure. I’m concious of it though. It could even just be because of working out again. Who knows.  

Today I’m not feeling too bad. I know I’ll stress about work later but that’s to be expected. I’ve a few errands to run this morning and after that a few bills and telephone calls to make too. Hopefully the van will be fixed later. I’ll try getting some rest later too. I might end up working Saturday morning. I’m not sure.    

I’m feeling kind of level today so far too. I’m missing feeling high that’s one thing. I fear resting too much though because that can se d me up too. As long as I don’t sink I don’t mind. Maybe I am still a bit high. Yesterday while working it felt like time had almost stopped. I did lots of work then looked at the clock only to realise maybe 10 minutes had passed. I’m not sure if it’s because I was so caught up in work or if I’m a bit delusional. I don’t know. I fear second guessing everything too. At least I’m not angry this morning. That’s a good thing. One thing I’ve realised is often I go into lots of detail here about some things but totally omit others. One thing I omit is the violent thoughts I often get. I’ve always had them. Years ago I almost put a glass in a guy’s face through being paranoid he was talking about me. Another time I very nearly put the back of a pool cue in a blokes face. Last year in London I fantasised about glassing a bloke because he blew smoke near me. There are countless other things. Once while drunk I fell out with a friends girlfriend and threw a glass across the road at her. It didn’t hit her luckily. I’m much more calmer these days. Although when very paranoid I do get close, especially if I’ve been drinking. I don’t drink very often at all now. I don’t like how it affects me or how it affects others either.

I’m not a nice person. I’m just a good actor. Most of the time my life is just an act too. I’m just there as the hidden silent observer hiding behind the front that is my so called persona. Often I wonder how long the act will go on for. It’s like a risset rythmn  going around and around getting faster and faster but staying the same, never going anywhere. It’s a fractal spiralling out but always the same. I’m a good actor. Most never notice the front that I put on. Oh well. That’s life for me.