It’s 6:36am and I’m the only one up in our house. I’ve been up since 5:50 and have already practiced qigong and have meditated too. It’s a pretty calm start to the day.

I  dreamt last night that my family and I were in Nepal and were hiking to the Everest base camp. We saw several other people and had an evening in a wooden lodge type hotel place. Whilst walking we saw  rain frozen in time, kind of just levitating in the air. It was beautiful and I took photos of it. We carried on to base camp and although I didn’t have a climbing permit I had done a deal so that I could climb the mountain.  We headed up and down through the various camps and then I summited.

I am feeling quite good so far today and have lots I can do but am only concerned with finishing one job off, which should be easy enough. Stress free day ahead. Not much more to say.

It’s been a long busy day and I’m really tired. I do however feel a sense of achievement. I started to hurry us along at work but realised and backed it off. 

I am also trying to limit the amount of time I spend on Facebook too and focus on doing things that will help my mental wellbeing instead of just posting and commenting on none sense. I need to function in physical reality as well as the virtual worlds. That’s one of my goals, short term and long term. 

It’s 8:26pm here and I’m going to go shower and read some more of a book that I’d put down a few weeks ago and picked up again yesterday. It’s called ‘Beating Bipolar’by Blake LeVine. It’s a good bookso far and I’m half way through it. Maybe I need to read some uplifting fiction too pretty soon, although I can start to get a little too positive when reading uplifting books. I can start to plan too much or too far ahead. Anyway time to go shower and read.

I got up at 5:45 this morning and have already practiced qigong. I feel average, which isn’t good enough. I’m borederline on feeling down and I don’t know why. I’m certainly not at my best. Is it because I stayed up a little late on Friday and Saturday night watching film, which I don’t normally do? Hmm.. 

I’m wondering what makes me tick but not tying myself in knots over it. Maybe I need to read an inspiring book and see if it lifts me, but not too high. I almost wish I had normal moods!   What would be better would be living in my higher state and not going bonkers and having too many crazy ideas. That would be amazing. Maybe that should be a long term goal, to live in my higher happy state without getting super manic too often. Now I need to set shorter term goals and medium length goals. 

Goal setting has worked well for me in the past. Fingers crossed it will again. Actually it will, I know it will. 

I`ve been trying to be happy today but feel like I`ve been put to the test. Pretty much everything I did today took longer than it should of and used more materials too. My paint roller dried out so much in the sun and wind that it actually went hard whilst I was using another colour. I`ve never known that to happen before! Oh well lets move on…

I`m in my office pricing work up.  I thought I would just note down my thoughts and feelings from today. I have realised that there are still several things in life that I feel paranoid about and I need to deal with them I guess. Lots to think about and yet still more to work on. Its endless I guess. Oh well at least I am starting to realise these things. I have also just left a customers house and before arriving I was tired and feeling tired and down, but whilst there I lifted up and started to feel a bit manic too. I noticed my speech was getting excitable and faster too, also I was loosing track of my thinking. When I left there in my van I started to forget what I was even thinking about, pretty strange. Maybe I should go and skip.  I guess I should leave pricing for now too as I might make a mistake. I need to get it done though.

Its another day again today and although I don`t feel at m,y best right now I`m going to give today my best shot. I have to stop fretting about money and just get on with work. I have so  much work to do the money will come, it has to eventually! I think maybe I need to skip this morning and shower this morning too. I had a shower last night but I usually feel good after a shower.

Yesterday I really didn`t feel good at all, in fact I felt quite low. I could of put an end to my business and goodness knows what else. I don`t enjoy those moments. In fact if I could erase those times and only have the highs I would be superb. Right now I`m in my office with music playing. I usually type this out on my phone. I`m listening to Muse, Knights of Cydonia. It always gives me a lift.  I`m hoping today I crack on and feel good. Having someone work for me is both a blessing and a curse times. Most weekends he goes out drinking and although he thinks he`s OK on a Monday he`s not. Sometimes it can take until Wednesday until I get a proper days work out of him. He plods along too slowly for me at times, but I guess I go much quicker than most.

Anyway today has to be a better day. It will be a better day. I am supposed to do a small job first thing, then try to finish a bigger job, then go to another job to do some brickwork. I may have to postpone the brickwork until tomorrow so as to not put too much pressure on myself, plus I hate feeling pressure and I want to do the best job I can.

Right, time to get some clothes on and go outside and skip for a litte while.

Today hasn’t been the best of days so far mood wise. I’m not as far as I wanted to be on a job either. I’m certainly Eeyore today rather than Tigger! I’ve not got any bounce in me. I’m sitting on the side of the road in my van waiting to go and look at some work and could quite happily, or unhappily, sit here and go to sleep. I really can’t be bothered with much now. There’s lots I need to do when I get home too. 

I know this feeling will pass. I didn’t notice the onset or any triggers this time either. I’m really tired. Tired of lots of things. Money tires me. Debt tires me too. I feel like a slave.  Earlier I had thoughts about packing my business up and saying f*ck it to everything. I wish I knew of a trigger for it because I don’t feel very good at all. I’m sick and tired of dusting myself down and always carrying on. Why can’t I say sod it to everything?  Why do I have to keep trudging on? Is it all worth it? I feel like by the time I’m out of debt or have spare time to do the things I want to do I’ll be too old to do them properly. I see it so often with others. All work work work. I’m sure I sound selfish, but I don’t care. Sod it.

I’m feeling very aware of myself and my thoughts at the moment.  I’ve had a bit of yoyoing with my moods over the last few days. I thought that I was getting some grip on it all but I had a slight moment of paranoia yesterday evening. I went outside and exercised and that helped me to deal with it mostly. It’s quite strange being aware of these feelings now instead of just feeling them. When I used to just feel them they were real feelings, but now when I feel them I have to question myself as to their validity and if they’re real feeling that are justified or if its just me tying myself in knots. It’s not easy having to question your feelings.  That in itself can make one feel a bit strange or could make one feel paranoid. Bloody tricky!

I guess the more aware I am of it all the more progress I can make. I just wish more people understood me and my thinking. Maybe I’m asking too much. Sometimes I think people make too much out of what I say and at other times they don’t make enough of what I say. I guess people craze me at times. I was surprised at how I coped being on my own on retreat. Maybe it’s time to book another retreat.

I guess I better start to face the day ahead. 

It’s Monday morning and its time to go chasing the wage. I never thought I’d become a wage slave, but I am. That’s life I guess. I need to go easy and get the money in. It’s going to be a wet day today so I need to knuckle down and get on with whatever I can to earn the money.

I need to take the bull by the horns and earn the pounds and pennies

I’ve had a sleepy day. I slept on the way up to the city and on the way back as well. I’ve dozed on and off whilst watching films when we got home too. I’ve needed it I guess. From what I’ve read on bipolar and Cyclothymia it’s best not to nap during the day, I’ll see if it affects me adversely or not. I just don’t want to wake up or go to work tired tomorrow. 

I’ve slept in today as I’m really tired. It’s 7:27 and although I woke at 6:10 I went back to sleep until 7:10. I’ve had very violent dreams all night. I know people say that it’s impossible but I can dream almost within seconds or a minute of falling asleep. Last night this happened and I dreamt I was punching a bloke hard with both fists. In my dream I hit him so hard it woke me up and I was snuggled up to my wife so I asked her if she noticed anything. She told me I shook or jumped. This is what woke me and it happened just as I’d hit the guy real hard. I have suffered with sleep apnea in the past.

My second dream was about being outside a pub in the village where I grew up and I was arguing with my dad. I had him pinned up against a wall and probably by the throat. I then pushed a finger up under his lower jaw between his jaw and throat, kind of where the tongue sits. It caused lots of pain. He had tears. I let him go and he went into the pub. A guy in the pub started to beat him and kick him whilst he was on the ground so I went in and intervened. I warned the guy to stop. He told me nobody knew him and he was retired. He was a very dodgy character. I picked ups glass tankard and was going to smash it into his face but stopped.

My last dream that I remember was based at a local fuel station. I was there on my motor bike with my apprentice who was on a bike too. Next thing I know is that there’s a warning that there had been a murder only a few miles away, it was kind of a post society breakdown scenario. The next minute there was huge march going past on the main road and I joined it as I wanted to get home to make sure my family were safe and the march was going past bear where I live.

Strange dreams indeed!

I’m feeling tired still because of the dreams. I’m a little edgy and will need to keep my eyes open for triggers today as tiredness can blur my mind and my thinking and I can crash down really fast.