It’s Monday night and I feel tired but good. Today I had my appointment and assessment.  After 70 minutes of talking and answering questions the psychiatric nurse came to the conclusion I’m bipolar. I said that I already new. She was cautious because not everybody wants to hear a diagnosis and she said if they don’t then that’s fair enough. I explained I am who I am and that’s all cool.  

  While we were talking she did say that from what I have said about the past I have done well not to of been sectioned and the only thing I can say about that is that I didn’t think I was so unwell and I didn’t realise I was in such a bad place at the time.  There’s lots I didn’t say but I guess I said enough and that’s all good. We talked about my life and I told her lots. She said normally they would offer coping strategies but I am already doing that and more. She told me I’m very intelligent and articulate and that it helped her understand where I was coming from. I told her some of the delusions I have had and have since remembered countless others. Anyway I guess today was good.   We spoke about medication and she feels I’m doing ok or certainly was up until very recently. She told me that because I’m intelligent and know lots, possibly more than her about bipolar because I can describe it well, it could be a good idea to now see the psychiatrist and discuss medication more fully and then I can make a decision. It’s possible that I might take an anti psychotic for a short period but that’s my choice and we need to think through possible side effects, but that it is a good idea to have some diazepam at home in the cupboard as an emergency back up in case I’m going mixed or manic and can nip it in the bud. I think that would be sensible. We did talk a bit about how they can be addictive though.  I talked through about my anxieties etc too  we discussed everything.

So anyway it was very positive and I’m so pleased I went.  At least there’s kind of a plan in place. I can call and ask any questions I might have now too and also have a number in case of a crisis. All good stuff. 

It’s Sunday morning aleads and this time tomorrow I’ll of had my appointment. I’m feeling much calmer than I did only a few days ago. In all honesty I had thought I would get sectioned and it scared me. I realise that it was the inllness talking to me and making me overly anxious and paranoid. Now I feel reasonably ok. I’m still a tiny bit high but levelling out a bit I think.  I’m still unsure as I’ve been her countless times before and have tripped myself up countless times by thinking I’m level and haven’t been. I still think that the last few weeks and even the last few I the while high have been the worst I’ve been for a long while or maybe ever. I say worst. I mean unwell. I can’t say the worst I’ve been really because it’s awesome having that strength, energy, determination, drive and passion for life.

 I’ve started planning work for further ahead than a day or two now. I have months and months of work ahead of me and people are usually prepared to wait for me so it’s all good stuff really.

I am now kind of looking forwards to tomorrow and talking about things with someone who can hopefully help in some way. I’m not sure what help I want or need but I guess I want to know that next time I get so far out there I have back up and support. Had I of had my appointment a week ago I would of been highly agitated and maybe too paranoid to be fully open with them. Maybe I still won’t be fully open with them but with it being a stranger I can at least feel not judged and they don’t know me personally either. Anyway it’s all just life. I just wish I had another outlet to really use the power that comes with the madness because I only use it at work in the winter. Summer time I guess it fuels my work and gardening. 

I have had a good day myself, although I had some bad news confirmed by a friend regarding his partner. I’m trying to see if I can do anything to help and am looking into things for them.

I’m a little concerned that I think I’ve been level for the last two days but I think the reality is I’ve not been level. I’ve just dropped from way way way high a tiny bit. I guess what I mean is my moods have settled at high for now.  

Anyway at least I have some focus back at work and have been arranging things again.  I had been avoiding phone messages but luckily I have very good customers. One customer was exceptionally nice.  She knows I have some issues and I explained a bit more today and that I have an appointment on Monday. As I was talking to her her husband came home. He asked what she was on about and after she got off the phone she told him. He asked her to phone back to tell me not to worry about pricing their work yet. He said that they want me to get better and the work can wait and that they want to use me as I’ve been highly recommended and how they understand mental health issues.  What lovely people. I guess by being open it has helped me. 

Last night I ended up having anxiety most of the night and it’s heightened this morning.  It’s due to a situation at work that I was put in but also put myself in. I have no choice but to go in and see what happens and face anything. The situation is regarding someone else and they made the situation themselves but it has turned onto me in a way and I have ended up having two threatening phone calls.  I’ll face it and see what happens. It’s life and I know it’s in part down to my not thinking straight it mostly it’s down to the other person not doing what they should do and always switching blame to others and making excuses. Anyway it’s totally occupying my mind at the minute and it’s something I could do without but I have to deal with it. What I am fearful of is if I get trouble over it I might flip and loose my cool or worse grin and bear it. It is what it is and it’s only life. I won’t be threatened though. That isn’t right. 

I have realised I’ve not had a good memory lately but it was brought home to me tonight when chatting with someone o line tonight. They told me to stop repeating myself because I had already told them a few days ago. To others it just seems like I’m a bit lively and jokey and that I’m having a laugh saying mad things and saying I don’t remember stuff. Earlier today I was talking with someone at work and they were surprised by some things I told them. They were shocked. They said they thought I was just a bit bubbly and lively.  It all came out because they walked in on me as I was facing a fridge doing some strange motion and muttering away! Luckily they just thought there wasn’t any milk but I did feel silly and that I needed to explain some stuff ! So much has been going on that a day has seemed like having a weeks worth of thoughts and happenings fitted into it.  I’m bonkers but mostly it’s ok although at times it’s unbearable. I’m never sure which is coming. It’s not even a battle because it just hits me like a bus. Wallop.  I guess I ought to read back through some of the posts I’ve written over the last few days and weeks. Or maybe I shouldn’t! Hahahaha. It is what it is.  I would say I feel a bit level right now but I know it would be wrong as I’m still not fully there. Half hour ago I felt shattered but now I’m waking right up.   Any my memory seems shot and shit at times.  I’ve had a few people tell me not to say too much on Facebook because I have a business but I have others saying I’m doing well for being brutally honest about my head. Fuck knows what is right.  Haha

It will soon bemonday and I’m not sure if that will bring a type of relief or if it will bring even more questions than answers. I guess it will be what it will be.  

Last night before bed I had some anxiety, not lots but some.  Ask layin bed to go to sleep I mentally went back, maybe it was a flashback, to the last week my dad was alive. I’m not sure why it happened but it did. Maybe I’m looking for answers. I don’t know, but then I don’t know much anymore.  That’s life or at least my life.    I had quite vivid dreams last night, mostly about work and about customers bringing other trades people onto my jobs.  

Yesterday daytime my moods didn’t shift quite as much, maybe up to 8 times but most of the day they were kind of settled at high until I crashed mid afternoon.  I finished work about 4pm and came home and took my son to a toy shop ask had said I might. Before we went out I had a double shot coffee to try to level me out. When we got home a short while later I went to bed to sleep for an hour or so. I had hoped the coffee would keep me awake a little so I could try to get back to clean sleeping instead of late afternoon/early evening sleep.  It didn’t work. The coffee didn’t make me stay awake early on. I did make myself turn the light off at 11pm and go to sleep. I hope I’m levelling a little.  This morning I still feel way outside of myself but not as wired as I could and I’m not anxious.  I’m not bouncing off the walls either so maybe I’m level. Maybe I’m not. I’ve no idea.  It is what it is and I’m just going with the flow.  

Last night I ended up pretty high. My wife even told me to calm things down at 9:30pm as the children were excited by it all.  I stayed downstairs while she got them sorted. It was just after midnight when I turned the light off to go to sleep and it took a short while to sleep. At1:45am my son woke up needing a pee and a drink and then he wanted the light left on as he was too hot and wanted his duvet off him. This broke my sleep and it took a lot of effort not to get up and go online or watch a film. I was awake about 6 and feeling superb. I lay in bed until 6:20 and then got up. I’m now feeling a bit anxious and wired and was just gagging but wasn’t sick. It 6:47.  I’m not sure what today will bring either. A friend on Facebook messaged me last night to tell me I’m getting ‘worse’ and I need to take care. I’m not sure how to take that really.

   Yesterday I finished work early and came home and had a sleep as my stomach was uneasy and I had pain in my right side. I cancelled my drumming lesson too as I’m not at my best. I must of switched moods maybe 10 or more times yesterday. I had changed mood 4 times before 9:30.  

 Last night I didn’t have anxiety before bed which is good. I am anxious now though and that’s probably why I gagged and nearly threw up. I’m unsure how I will be on Monday but I can hopefully show them this blog. If I can then maybe they’re reading this. ‘Hello from the future’. Anyway I’m taking each day as it comes now and each hour and minute as it comes. It is what it is. 

I had anxiety before going to sleep again last night. It was very strange too because as I lay in bed going to sleep I had either fell straight asleep or had very deep strange thoughts.  They dream/thoughts were that next week they will want to take blood and I won’t want it, so they were holding me down in a chair and forcibly taking blood from me. I was restrained by several people. It was shockingly horrible. Then I kind of woke and went into another one where they snatched me off a road and forced me into the side door of a van and I couldn’t fight them off.   Strange indeed and pretty shocking.  

 My dreams last night were about my mum and about her last husband etc. Various scenarios. All very strange and not nice. I don’t feel like I slept very well but also now I’m awake don’t feel so bad. It is what it is.

I have been reading up again about bipolar and about type one and type two. I’m getting my head around things that have happened with me or to me and trying to work it all out again. It’s not easy to read or deal with but all of what’s there in the books is what has been going on. I guess some kind of diagnosis is needed and I guess it will help too. I’m now a bit more open minded about medication too but still unsure if I would want to take it because of the side effects that go with it. I need to be fully functioning for my job etc. Lots will need to be considered. I wish I could run away from it all. 

It’s Sunday evening and today I thought I had kind of levelled a bit but the reality is I’m just getting used to being all over the fucking place. Im still a bit wired. I woke up after 9:30am and actually had anxiety before going to sleep. My appointment is on the 18th and is starting to play on my mind a little. Maybe more than a little. I woke up with a pain in my back on the right side which was going up through my neck into the right side of my brain and head. Today I’ve been wired and edgy. The thing is I kind of enjoy it but don’t like it too at the same time. I think I put everyone else in our house on edge and maybe I do. Maybe I am too unstable to be here sometimes and should take myself off at times so they can relax and just be. I don’t know. Anyway back to stuff. I’m feeling pretty amazing right now. Cold but amazing. My brain has gone up a gear and my finger can’t type quick enough. I feel limitless. I would imagine it will be suggested I go onto medication but I fear it will dull my mind and thinking although I know that’s part of the reason for being on medication. I have spoken with several people I know who are bipolar and or BPD to ask their views on medication. Some are on Meds. Some aren’t. I know it’s not for everyone going med free. Normally I cope but I have realised that the last 2 months have been the worst I have ever been or at least since 2012. I’m not sure how long this will go on for and I will keep trying to ride it out for as long as I can. It’s a rollover coaster but I a n adrenaline junky so I’m loving it as much as I hate it. It really is an amazing state if mind at times. 

I think it’s time to start to be selfish. People can fuck off. I’m tired of trying to help everyone else and then leaving nothing for myself or for others to fuck me over, ignore me or not be bothered. Maybe I’m being over paranoid but. The amount of times when I’ve been level I’ve tried to help countless others only for the tables to be turned most have fucked off out of the way. A few have actually done the opposite. A few have really surprised me and keep an eye on me. Maybe I’m being paranoid. Nothing is making too much sense now anyway.  

Last night I wandered up the garden to go through things again. I’m not sure what I was thinking.    

I need to stay off Facebook I know that much. I haven’t deleted my Facebook account because it is a good point of contact for things. I have told everyone on there to fuck off this morning. They can as well.

My head and neck hurt. My ears are ringing and have been for ages. I have been avoiding phone messages too and phone calls. Normally I do the opposite and try to keep on top of those things. I’ll explain my way out of it soon enough and will listen to the messages later.

  I could run away. Only problem is I would still be there. I guess there would be other people too and I can’t be arsed with people right now. People are selfish mostly. Out for something or an agenda. Well fuck them.